untitled
There is no point in being subtle...
I can not reach you in no other way...
My way to you is
Vibrant + In Color
I know no other way...
Forgive me my flood of emotion
For it is all I give you
It is all of me
Monday, February 11, 2008
Il est moi.
A stupid survey, but a way to get a glimpse of my world other than my rambling haha...
1. What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
The actual connection is up for debate still...we're dating...so far so good...
2. What is wrong with you right now?
It's not me; it's the rest of the world.
3. Do you miss your girlfriend/boyfriend?
The closest I have to one, yes...
4. When did you last cry?
xmas
5. Who do you hate?
Truly hate...as in I couldn't talk to, <5 probably...hate as in can be in same room but wouldn't talk to unless I had to (cake or death sitch)...same <5 and maybe 5 more
6. What do you want in your life right now?
what I got...to be happy...
7. What did you last eat?
pizza
8. Who last worried you?
my older brother
9. What do you smell like?
my own personal essence...I should bottle this shit...
10. Drinking?
sweet tea
11. What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
down feather pillows
12. When did you last talk to your closest friend of the opposite sex?
few hours
13. What do you wear to bed?
nothing
14. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
no inherently if that make sense...relationships are work...
15. When did you last talk to your closest friend of the same sex?
few hours ago
16. What is stressing your mind?
life
17. Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
no more/less than the same sex
18. Who did you get this survey off of?
ET fingers
19. What is your name?
JAX
20. How tall are you?
5'10"
21. Who was last mean to you?
Titicaca
22. What is your screen name?
psyther
23. How often do you log onto Myspace?
2-3x/wk
24. When were you last confused?
At the beginning of this question
25. Who can you count on to always be there for you?
my family
26. Whose house did you go to today?
the Puerto Rican's
27. How about the night before that?
same
28. Do you like anyone right now?
Yes
29. Are you bored?
No
30. What is the last movie you watched?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
31. Do you say "dawg"?
yes
32. What are you excited about?
this w/e
33. Why do you like who you like?
If you met him you'd understand
34. Who was last to touch your butt?
myself
35. When you sleep do you dream about heroin addicts?
mostly
36. What’s on your mind right now?
the end of this quiz
38. Name someone whose name starts with the letter "A".
Allah
39. Do you care what others think about you?
yes, caring is one thing, but obsessing is another
40. What jewelry do you have on now?
2 rings, body jewelry
41. When is your birthday?
once a year
42. Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
no
43. Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?
fuck, I hope so
44. What do you look forward to in the next 3 months?
warmer weather
45. Who was the last person to call you?
my black friend
46. Who was the last missed call?
same black friend
47. What's your ring tone?
generic ring on iPhone
48. Do you plan on moving out within the next year?
no
49. What were you doing at 9 PM last night?
sleeping
50. What happened at noon today?
still sleeping
STR8-ACTING
There is a breed of gay men known as "straight-acting." Many argue, and I tend to agree,that "straight-acting" is just that: acting...pretending someone you're not...keeping all of your gay signifiers in the closet...pretending to be butch or masculine (at least more so than you maybe naturally are). I must admit though that there is something attractive about a straight, gay man. I don't think that it is a desire to have someone who doesn't let their homosexuality dictate every facet of their life. I think there are men out there that act more stereotypically "straight" than "gay." I think that as men are in transitioning to living a gay lifestyle and come out of the closet they are comfortable first with gay men who appear otherwise straight so as not to out themselves as far as quick. I don't think that "straight-acting" gay men are self-labeled. I am pretty sure that gay men have created the "straight-acting" box as a meme to the hetero's "metrosexual" box...a sort of half-way house to label the mannerisms and thoughts of those not apparently swinging in either direction. I only find it interesting because of the number of gay men and straight women that think I'm straight acting...against the equal number of gay men and straight men that think I'm metrosexual...guess it just goes to show you how far a label will wear...Right now I can only surmise that my attraction for "straight-acting" is the sense of illusion and the inherent mystery. I like to go out with a guy and it not be obvious that it's a date *or* that we are close friend from college going for a drink to catch up on life. I have always taken pride in being true to myself, but lately my straight friends have noted that I am more gay around my gay friends and more straight around my straight friends and my family in general. Body crisis. Am I really adjusting my behavior and attitude chameleon-like as a way to fit in better? No one has ever said though that I wasn't being myself. I'm leaning towards a conclusion that I have many, many facets to my life and one person will only ever see part of the real me. Take the cave allegory. I am me, casting shadows to all of you such that you only will ever see a shape of who I am. You may see many parts of once, but until I let you on the other side of the fire with me and breathe the fresh air...I remain the dark side of the moon...
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
the gay stigma
I don't have any direct links, but you know by now that a staph infection typically confined to hospital patients has escaped into the gay community and wrecking all kinds of havoc...especially in Boston and San Francisco. In reading blogs (proclaimed gay, proclaimed straight, or just unproclaimed) the consensus is that the gay men are at greatest risk for catching the bacterial infection that will make you go blind, grow hair on the palms of your hands, and wish you had fucked a vagina instead. On one side I'm hearing a resounding rebuttal that it is the 80's AIDS crisis all over again, blaming gay men for all the world's problems (note: it may have gained a notoriety in the 80's, but it's still a crisis...it never left). Other side simply acknowledges that infection rates and other statistics indicate that (at least part of) the gay community scientifically does have higher infection rates, and debatably high-risk behaviors that would foster a pandemic. Again I find myself in a grey area. Yes, if you look at patients being treated for the satanical staph strain, a lot of them are sexually active gay men. Herein lies my qualms. In college I had an intro sociology course SOCI-201 of some sort that was painfully straight-forward, but the professor always found a way to pinpoint relevant and contemporary applications/examples. I now forget technical name, although I know I aced that exam, but you have to be careful in how you interpret data. Her example involved drug use. Interview a random sample of narcotic junkies and the vast majority will admit to having smoked pot, and often it was the first drug they used to get high. Based on this information the only *logical* explanation is that weed is a gateway drug into predestined drug addictions. One toke on good ol' Puff and within months you'll have lost 50lbs selling your ass for a rock. Allow me to stop right here with the full story. Now go interview a random sample of people who have smoked up in their lives. If yes, then you ask what other drugs they have used. The vast majority will not answer heroine, cocaine, crystal meth, GHB, or probably even K. I suppose having actually references would help this argument now, but think about it. How many people do you know have every smoked weed v. how many have detrimental drug dependencies? So back to our incubating, 21st C. apocalypse. To indicate a baseline statistic on gay men v. everyone else and rates of infection is one thing. Stating or even suggestions that based on sexual orientation alone you are at more or less risk is complete and utter bullshit. As the NRA says, "It's not guns that kill people; People kill people." Sexual behaviors would put you at more/less risk. I guess what really upsets me most is that so many people fail to recognize this logic. Especially in the gay community, I find it disconcerting that one could so easily dismiss a serious health concern (for yourself, your friends, your family, for anyone) because you felt it was a personal attack on your sexual identity. I understand being defensive as a minority, but if you succumb to these lewd, outlandish generalizations and can only rant and rave in reactionary manners, then you are keeping the stereotypes and prejudices alive. Being gay doesn't give you AIDS. Being gay doesn't give you Satan Secret Staph #69. Being gay also doesn't give you an excuse not to educate yourself, recognize the currents events of the world, and act as an intelligent and integral human being. Don't bitch and moan about being a scapegoat. If it bothers you that much, then do something to change it.
Riding the roller coaster...
So inevitably after seeing things get better something to the contrary happens. It's a huge philosophical thorn. How do you explain the evil in the world? Is it the original sin? Is there no god and we're just living Darwinistic? Is it a balance that tilts between good and bad? All I can say for sure is that there is a lot of unnecessary negativity in the world. So you tripped and face-planted in a mud puddle right before the biggest meeting of your career...is it THAT big of a deal? No, I didn't, but this post is just a quick note to self: think and act on what really matters.
Monday, January 21, 2008
5 ALIVE
I know I've been down in the dumps, but here, here I've got the cure: a five day weekend. It is simple, take advantage of the national holiday and call out sick for two days. Bingo, Bango take your five days. Between below freezing temperatures, 500.00 worth of new clothes, 2 G's, 1/4 green, 100.00 at the ATM, and a good mix of friends I have survived if not endured. Here I am Miss Broadway giving the last rave-up to get it good and lay my sights on the future. I like it. Uh-huh. I know full well it will blow, and suck, seemingly contradictory, but life none-the-less. I want to make sure posts do not occur just after a bad day as I vent because I have good times too. After a ski binge I did some credit card damage and left town to party, but more than that I was able to spend some good time with some close friends. The actual party was not drugs; it was the people in whom I have trusted my heart. Just a notch posting on my blog that amidst all of it, I'm still here.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
going the full circle
You know there are some people that you just click with: you have great conversations, always something meaningful to say and not fluffed small talk. A business associate is one of those people for me. I guess it's now been a year and a half that I started to change the way I ate and lost a good 30-35 pounds. I wasn't fat by any means, but I had to buy up a size or two in jeans depending on cut and my blood pressure was high. Avoiding taking a daily pill and embracing my dislike of running I knew I had to change my diet at the very least. Well this leads up to a year ago. I had jotted this conversation flow and randomly found it while filing, but it was just too cool how full circle we went. We had a meeting and after the business talk she commented on the weight I had lost and how good I looked. Well, it turned into a hour and a half conversation recapped below. I always find the flow of conversation interesting, how bridges are formed through unique, personal experiences.
The biggest component of my weight loss was portion control. Basically don't eat so much all the time. I still don't consider it binge eating, but I could easily put down 2 double cheeseburgers, a McChicken sandwich, a small fry, and a 4 pc chicken nugget as a meal. Portion control helped, along with eating slower to recognize satiety before overeating. Having recently had a 2nd child and wanting to lose the last 15 pounds she was interested and had never really thought that even if eating healthy if it's too much it could still hinder weight loss. Lifestyles are a big part of how we eat (what, when, where, how). As a busy mom of two along with a full time job it's hard to eat right. And that as a family she's left eating what the kids and husband want to eat. Fortunately homemade chicken noodle soup is a favorite, and healthy. Working 11-12 hour days on both sides plus a commute make it hard to cook, which is generally healthier because of ingredient control. Obviously, what's normal? How do most people eat? The majority of Americans considered to be overweight, so what's going on with our eating. Most of us are doing something wrong...it can't be all genetic or glandular. Passing seemingly normal people on the street of all sizes, they may be crazy. They appear normal, but maybe have an eating disorder. You can never know until you live with them. You can learn a lot about someone by the what/when/where/how people eat. What kind of portion is normal anyway? What lifestyle is normal? Normal for us is city life. She's adjusting to suburbia and a commute post birth of her children. The move was mostly financial and so the kids could have a more normal life. People eat differently in suburbia than they do in the country. Fortunately her neighborhood has a good Chinese restaurant. Her favorite was midtown east near her apartment...plus they would deliver for free....15 minutes wait at most. So how crazy is the city? There are so many great restaurants in the city to eat at or even stop for drinks. Heck, you can buy food on almost any street corner. You can't control portions at restaurant, but you can always get the doggie bag. Some of our favorite restaurants only have moderate portions. Some of the best restaurants skimp a little on portion even though you're paying a lot, but we both acknowledged we never left hungry. We just felt the portions were a little small. But isn't NYC amazing in its diversity? So many normal and abnormal people? A multitude of ethnic food options...not only to go out, but also in the grocery stores if your so inclined to cook. I'm trying to diversify my mum's good home-cooked country recipes with new tastes available in the city. With so many people around, you're unable to avoid interacting in the melting pot. The wait-staff at my neighborhood sushi bar is incredibly polite and hospitable now that they know me. She knows my usual, often even recommending a new sake that they have a case of I might like. I like it dry. How big a portion should you be drinking anyway? First rule to lose weight is to cut out alcohol. Sometimes with all of these people and cultures intertwined it feels like you're in another world. Go to the heart of Chinatown on LES and none of the signs are in English. I've been to Europe, but never so submerged into a city alone that I could get lost or communicate. I always seemed to be in tourist-friendly cities. With work a lot of colleagues have to go to the East for short periods. It seems that total submersion is good in small doses...comforting to know you'll be back in NYC soon where you feel at home. Even with all these differences abroad or in the city, you still build relationships people on many levels. So many New Yorkers are transplants, but we still make friends and find lovers. We still have families and careers. She has a family friend that was not happy with public school system, and decided she would home school her children. The catch is they sold their home and with that money and savings, they bought a mobile home so they could drive around the US. Now, when teaching they can actually go firsthand to somewhere of relevance (the government in D.C. is easiest example). They've also been able to see many different parts of the country and many different ways of life. The children have had no problem adapting to the lifestyle. All of their friends are other home-schoolers they see periodically at conventions or other planned meetings with families on the road. Their social interaction is completely different from ours' in the city. Even still we have to find a balance between people. How you interact is really important. You have to learn where they come from, how they live, and so forth. Especially because you're meeting so many different people you have to reach that balance in understanding and respect to make all levels of interaction a positive experience (walking past someone and not punching them because of what they are wearing or because they have kids all the way to marrying and converting religions and living differently). If there isn't harmony then conflict arises. There is so much strife in the world because people cannot coexist peacefully. To reach this balance with other people, though, you really need to find a balance in yourself. You have to balance the different parts of your life: money, love, family, etc. If you're not balanced how can you expect to find balance with other people? In college my Dad advised that my life would have 4 parts: eating, sleeping, studying, and partying. At any one time I would only have the money and physical resources to do 3 at a time...one thing would always be left out. I would have to choose to party or study, eat or sleep, party or sleep, and all permutations therein. The trick he claims was to find the balance in that 4-part life and wisely choose what could not be done when. Even now in the bustle of NYC it's hard to find a good balance. When I'm feeling most balanced my eating healthy and in good portions at proper times is easiest. When my schedule is interrupted or changes, falling off balance, it's when I'm most likely to overeat or eat junk food. Even when stressed from work or very angry and upset (even at states of euphoria and act invincible so yes I'll have seconds and dessert) I've noticed I eat differently. It's not always bad. Sometimes because it is late I won't eat pasta and have a salad or chicken and vegetables instead. Moderation is really key. Control your portions: the amount of food you eat, the people you interact with, your sleep, your life. It's an old adage that everything is good in moderation. So far it's worked for my weight-loss, maybe that is missing component to her diet. She also thinks that you have to place moderation on your portion of work too. I agree...we work too much and don't take enough vacation.
After discussing the balancing of the parts of your life and how it's all about moderation to have just enough of each that I proclaimed, "Portion control!" We both sighed at sat back in our seats at the same time laughing. She said, "We made it full circle." It certainly not the type of conversation I expected to have at work, especially as she only comes in for meetings with me a few times a month. She doesn't even work for the same company. But after 90 minutes we both felt calm, relaxed, and ready to tackle that 2nd half of our days. I'm still amazed at how we moved through that conversation of that long without it feeling so long. The full circle is yet another reminder of the beautiful complexity of humans and the awesome world in which we live.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
HUSH
Look.
Feel.
The wings softly envelope you,
keeping you safe...
Sigh.
Quietly cry.
It's alright, the wings softly envelope you,
keeping you safe...
Always keeping you safe.
Always keeping you safe.
ALBUM COVER
Here's what you do:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
2.http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover
A Treatise on Dykes and Queens
Early in my studies of Eastern religion I learned the basic symbolism of the Taoist Yin Yang. In case you don't know, and because it is fundamental to this treatise, I'll explain now.
The Yin Yang represents the cyclical nature of life. It is round and curves. It is composed of two polar opposites...traditionally white and black. There is an obvious movement around the symbol as these opposites interact...male/female, light/dark, healthy/sick, fast/slow, exciting/boring, and so forth. So as in life, there is a constant state of flux in the Yin Yang. Furthermore, when either side is at it's greatest, widest, most pure state the seed of it's opposite surfaces...a spot of white at the heart of black; a spot of black at the heart of white.
It should be relatively obvious where I am going now with my treatise. I propose that some homosexual males and females have become an uber sex. A male becomes so male, interested in males, that he has in effect become feminine--queen. Likewise a female becomes so female, interested in females, that she has in effect become masculine--dyke. Gender roles have not only reversed, but also turned inside out. Sure, homosexuality isn't a necessary factor, but it illustrates this point most clearly. First to mind comes Fabio as heterosexual, but so male he starts to present stereotypical feminine characteristics. I'm sure there are other countless examples, even in your close circle of friends...and to many varying degrees.
Bottom line, sexuality and gender are actually very fluid...perfectly illustrated by the Yin Yang. Masculinity and femininity are constantly shifting around and just when one extreme is reached the opposite surfaces, continuing the cycle. It is also worthy to note that even though these opposites are abound amidst constant change, they are still one. The Yin Yang is still one. It is a whole. You could not have male without female. You could not have gay men without lesbian woman. Dykes and queens are one in the same.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Another teen preggers...
I know it seems an odd choice of rant, but Jamie Lynn is still blowing up headlines with her 'underage' pregnancy. Those of you who are fortunate enough to know me also know my utter disdain for trolls. Yes, children/enfants/babies/kids = trolls. As much as you question my desire not to be caught dead within 10 feet of one of these horrible dark creaturous spawns, I equally question why anyone would want to have them or be near them. No, I was not abused or dropped on my head. I may have willingly thrashed my head against pavement and other hard surfaces, but I only see it as logical considering I was a troll. I obviously wasn't ignorant of my putrifying status and tried desparately to eliminate a troll from our magnificent planet. ANYWAY, so we all know now that younger Spears is preggers. She has been lambasted for having unprotected sex, and doing so outside of wedlock. While I know there are statutory rape laws and so forth, she knew what she was doing. And honestly, if your body is physically capable of reproducing why is it so taboo to perpetuate Satan's legion at her age? Nature obviously doesn't approve. Her family, mostly, seems to be supportive. Numerous people got preggers in my highschool at her age, younger, and a few a year or two older. Bill Albert, spokesman for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy: "It's obviously a very sad development for Jamie, but it's really helped to jump start discussion about these issues. That's critical.[source]" Why is it a sad development? Really, it was either her choice or her short-sightedness. It's not like there isn't money to provide. The family structure is questionable, but people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Who of you come from a perfect family? Think about what's wrong with that logic: how good are you of a parent if it took a young celebrity to get pregnant for you to discuss safe sex and family planninng with your trolls? and in the same logic feel your superior wisdom warrants a condemnation of said celebrity because *that* would never happen to your troll? Smells like bullshit to me. Then again she is named after both her mother and father.
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