Some friendships take the work of a creative hand stitching the bonds together. I find myself closer to him everyday, but it's complicated. But what's not complicated in life. So, I look at the big picture: my life is brighter with him in it and it keeps me flexible. And warm this winter.
My spirit leads me on this journey inward to a new landscape. Through my transformation I explore these ringed layers of life, glimpsing into the core of my higher power as though it were the trunk of a tree: utopia. There, the TIMELESS NOW beams light of SERENITY and BALANCE to the far corners of my being. My heart beats ripples of SELF REFLECTION.
My spiritual growth continues its evolution by way of HONESTY and ACCEPTANCE. Working these steps daily, a renewed sense of wellbeing fills me with joy and peace previously unknown. I now see the magnitude of the PERSPECTIVE I am gaining—the possible worlds within reach, the opportunities for growth, the availability of love and boundless hope.
By aligning with my higher power I tune into the true nature of my being. The clarity and strength of my character improves as though a fog of FEARS and DOUBTS lift away into evaporated history. I am learning to be CONTENT with the SIMPLICITY of this view for it holds the keys of UNDERSTANDING the way.
I now enquire into the TRUE NATURE of my being. This inventory is a fact-finding mission both honest and extensive. I do not use my temporal eyes for they see but the fleeting moments passing in the physical world. My five senses act as make-up that create a mask that surfacely enhances my being. This disguise is not exact, so I use my THIRD EYE to transcend.
My mind’s-eye is in a cavern deep within my being capable of examining my life wholly. It is a BALANCED view, seeing all aspects from favorable to less-desirable. My INTENTIONS lead me to focus on developing SPRITUALLY by transforming the unhealthy behavior PATTERNS into positive attributes of the character of my being. Naturally, I am a HUMAN being, NOT PERFECT being and will always have a shadow that eludes the radiant light. As long as I am mindful the shadow cannot control me.
As my CONSCIOUSNESS becomes AWARE of this profound knowledge, I feel my skin as though it were the branches from the TREE OF LIFE extending out from the very depths of my being, muscles flexing as leaves rustle in the wind. As my RECOVERY progresses I feel closer to my HIGHER POWER evermore.
My body is my frame, the vehicle for my LIFE. It is strong and masculine. I am a man.
Up ahead are my future windows of OPPORTUNITY. I am no longer tied to specific outcomes and remain flexible with the options present IN THE NOW. The future uncertain, I choose to be open-minded and accepting. Looking ahead, my rear-view reminds me of my ADDICTION. The past reminder of my journey is in my present view. The TREE OF LIFE in fresh, rainbow is the complimentary touchstone to my serenity, my HIGHER POWER.
My journey down the road of RECOVERY, on to STEP THREE, I surrender my being to the universe. I have some tools to gauge my recovery on the dashboard: SERENITY is my fuel. If I am full of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness I can travel far in my recovery. I can also check my STEPS-PER-YEAR to see how fast I’m going. And, of course, my MEETINGS-PER-WEEK gauges how I’m moving through the steps each year. My tracking is complete with my SOBER DAYS.
My recovery dashboard also provides several indicator lights, warning of a RELAPSE. The TRIGGERS are also the things that I can surrender and turn back over to the UNIVERSE. Those things beyond my control and out-of-bounds for the ego light up, then I know to let it go. At any time, I can stop for a trigger and my being stops recovery.
From the ROOTS of my heritage a solid foundation of my being took hold, sprawling far and wide in support. After a geographical move, I sprung forth, breaking out of the ground. Each passing year, a new trunk ring, unfurling leaves of SUCCESS. Growth and maturation create branches reaching further. The tree of my being grows evermore deep down into the COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS and upward to a HIGHER STATE OF BEING – INFINITY.
Burning bright, graduating with honors twice, my education provides the energy required for the EVOLUTION OF MY BEING. As all things do, seasons of CHANGE brought twilight. The darkness of my addiction casts long shadows on my being; the sun sets. However, there is beauty in the fall for an end is also a new beginning – INFINITY.
And as my tree of life grows, so does that of the UNIVERSE. All of the subatomic particles have amassed in an array beyond compare. Attuning my being to the UNIVERSAL TREE OF LIFE, my physical, mental, and spiritual health take their rightful, honest location. Living in the NOW, wholly acknowledging how the piece of my being fits into the proverbial puzzle, is the very essence of SERENITY and PEACE. Accepting this SPIRITUAL TRUTH, I do recover.
Here is the dilemma. I am shackled to my vice: VODKA. I am POWERLESS, a slave. On top of the mountainous ADDICTION of top shelf bottles are diamonds. USE is POWERFUL, GLAMOROUS, PRESTIGIOUS, SEXY at the surface level. I covet my DRUG of choice and spend top dollar to get HIGH.
Invoking Atlas, I stand at the edge of the world all alone with the burden of my UNMANGEABLE life. This raging maelstrom of EMPLOYMENT, FINANCES, HEALTH PROBLEMS wages war on my LIFE. It is only a matter of TIME until I buckle, falling into a DEATH crevasse not to return.
Under the barrage of stimuli, I can no longer THINK or ACT because I am UNDER THE INFLUENCE. My mood fluctuating rapidly CRANKY, SAD, STRESSED, CALM, ALERT, HAPPY. My SPIRIT, the cat, takes a nap. Brooklyn to China, I cannot ESCAPE. Only a 911 life line can divert CRISIS.
I am driving a car through LIFE. This vehicle created a MASK, both POWERFUL and UNIQUE. It protects my SOUL. My windows filter the BELIEFS through which I see my world…some tinted, some rosey.
As I drive, I follow the ups and downs, twists and turns. To my left, the tree of life: HEALTH, FAMILY, FRIENDS, SPIRITUALITY. It is the color of MONEY, nourished by my CAREER through various JOBS. To my right, boulders fallen: those who lost to ADDICTION. This path I follow guide lines of DENIAL, MANIPULATION, PRIDE that keep me in route to USE, DISILLUSIONS, IGNORANCE.
In the distance a mountain range looms under dusk. My ADDICTION is massive and treacherous. Peaks of PAIN, SUFFERING, DEPRESSION, pitted with INSANITY, ANXIETY, INSOMNIA, are just the tips of my DISEASE. Up there, I am ALONE and HELPLESS. I consider SUICIDE to escape the DEPENDENCE on such a desolate environment.
As the brake lights flash and I round yet another bender, I see the sign: DEATH. Beware of the grim reaper’s future. Light beams of RECOVERY and SOBRIETY illuminate this landscape. As night falls and I can barely see, AA and IOP lead my EDUCATION. I don’t have to follow this path; I now choose ABSTINENCE to make my new STYLE.
All of the best made plans completely unfurled. A massive disconnect in language and culture in the midst of possibly the worst news possible on the other side of the planet away from all of my friends and family a head above the rest. Primal. Survival. All under a shroud of secrecy and vagueness. Is this really me? Can I handle the truth? Confirmation. Twice. Thrice. The shred of possibility the size of a grain of sand is now luminous and volatile and I will have to climb this Mt. Everest and live to tell about it. I hope to capture some amazing photographs along the way. It's not cold though. I hope I don't catch a cold. What happens when I catch a cold? It could turn into pneumonia. I could die. I am going to die. I am going to die, eventually. The blatant humility and humanity in the finality of the miracle of life is death's blessing. Here is a list of thousands of other deaths...seeeee? Smoking kills, but that's okay, right? Plus, some people make money off of it. I also don't drive with a seat-belt, drink too much, eat too much, work too much, think too much. Is this really me? Seriously? Seriously. It is serious. I am a Sirius person. A month later and I can write now. I first learned to speak. Before that I got on a merry-go-round like all of the kiddies: I'm lost, confused, sad, defiant, wishful, angry, nauseous, myself again, sarcastic, drunk, healthy, scared, upset, confident, honest, realistic, surprised, horny, positive+
It is quite apparent that gays and lesbians are not considered equal, often with the defiant caveat that "we were all created equal," but somehow homosexuality has polluted the waters of equality. I hear bitchn' all the time caught in a rip tide of helplessness and exasperation. With the impending presidential election, candidates are perhaps under the greatest scrutiny ever for leading the face of a democratic free world. Anyone who is up on their history knows that homosexuality has been around forever; anyone who is up on their biology and ecology knows that humans are not the only species that can be homosexual. Aside from all of the tired arguments of genetics (I was fucking born with it.), In true American form, we want to have the instant gratification of rectifying the great injustice of prejudice...but other minorities (women, Jews, blacks, and so forth) are still working through it. It cannot happen over night. Accept that. In the mean time, I think it is really important that as a community (LGBT as a whole, really) we do need to put up a unified front. Remember, "United we stand; divided we fall." ???? Let us learn from our past. As a whole, the human race has so much potential. It actually sickens me that as far as we have come with technology to bring our world together, the disconnect still exists if you put two different people in a room together. I truly believe in the possibility of world peace, but not in a idealistic, pure utopian way. I see the real problem with achieving equal rights for homosexuals (if we can't do all LGBT at once, then baby steps are better than nothing) is that we gays cannot agree on what it means to be gay in our culture. The discord pits gay subcultures against each other: the Stepfords, the club kids, the closeted men, etc. Everyone examining the gay subculture sees something totally different. How many times in coming out has the surprised rung out, "Oh! I didn't think you were because X. Y. & Z." It is great to gain acceptance, and I do not mean to undermine these small steps, but if we can't show that the only difference is an attraction to members of same sex than opposite, how can we ever establish equality? Lead by example. Please show that homosexuality is not just seedy clubs and crystal meth. I do party and I have had my fair share of deviant acts that would cause my parents immediate and irreparable harm mentally and physically, but I also strive to demonstrate to them, and everyone, that liking men is no different than liking cheese.
How do you know when it's the end? Lights on at the club, casket carried to the grave, termination papers served, I thought endings were easy to identify. Friendship is harder. People grow up; people grow apart. One of my best friends for last 6 years and I are currently not speaking. Without belaboring the details, I'll try to hit key points. We took trip together and visited some of his family. He was humiliated by my actions and barely spoke to me during trip. Instead of trying to deal with it then, I chose to wait til after trip to deal in an attempt to minimize negativity while on trip. I really didn't want a full blowout thousands of miles from home. After home, he said he couldn't talk to me about it and needed more time/space. So going on a month now I have given just that. It feels weird not talking for so long when we would talk everyday if not every other day. But over this time I've also had time to reconsider our friendship. It is weird because I don't really feel all that sad...just upset that we never got to talk about it...never really made an attempt to understand each other's feelings. I've lost touch with friends before, even best ones, but never amidst a fight (well if you can say that a mutual decision to not talk a fight...not much action). With this much time gone past, I'm not sure if I ever will hear anything from him. I guess that's okay. I can't sit and wait. My life has already gone on, but I had hoped his friendship would be still be part of it. I'm happy and thankful for all good and bad times. I know I learned a lot, but also know that nothing lasts forever. So here is goodbye....
If anyone actually still reads all this shit (as if...) just dropping a line to say, "Hi! I'm alive, and the world is fucked up!" Right? I have many upon many grievances with the world and how as a human race live our lives. The disparity between who we want to be, the ideals we value, and the pretty face painted outward in day-to-day mundane activities is a far cry from the truth and who *WE* actually are. The life I know now is not the life I want. It's time for change. It's time to stand up and represent. As one hot bitch says, "Quiet down now; I need to make a sound!!!" FUCK ALL.
I took my rentals to the Cloisters. It was part Easter and part hang out / have a good time. The whole museum is still in Manhattan part of the Metropolitan Museum of Art located 190+ street at Fort Tryon Park. Specializing in Renaissance art, the Cloisters brings something outer inner. Amidst a major city is this throwback that decidedly makes you question Mary, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. Designer sheets just aren't made the same these days.
