Friday, December 2, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Some friendships take the work of a creative hand stitching the bonds together. I find myself closer to him everyday, but it's complicated. But what's not complicated in life. So, I look at the big picture: my life is brighter with him in it and it keeps me flexible. And warm this winter.
My spirit leads me on this journey inward to a new landscape. Through my transformation I explore these ringed layers of life, glimpsing into the core of my higher power as though it were the trunk of a tree: utopia. There, the TIMELESS NOW beams light of SERENITY and BALANCE to the far corners of my being. My heart beats ripples of SELF REFLECTION.
My spiritual growth continues its evolution by way of HONESTY and ACCEPTANCE. Working these steps daily, a renewed sense of wellbeing fills me with joy and peace previously unknown. I now see the magnitude of the PERSPECTIVE I am gaining—the possible worlds within reach, the opportunities for growth, the availability of love and boundless hope.
By aligning with my higher power I tune into the true nature of my being. The clarity and strength of my character improves as though a fog of FEARS and DOUBTS lift away into evaporated history. I am learning to be CONTENT with the SIMPLICITY of this view for it holds the keys of UNDERSTANDING the way.
I now enquire into the TRUE NATURE of my being. This inventory is a fact-finding mission both honest and extensive. I do not use my temporal eyes for they see but the fleeting moments passing in the physical world. My five senses act as make-up that create a mask that surfacely enhances my being. This disguise is not exact, so I use my THIRD EYE to transcend.
My mind’s-eye is in a cavern deep within my being capable of examining my life wholly. It is a BALANCED view, seeing all aspects from favorable to less-desirable. My INTENTIONS lead me to focus on developing SPRITUALLY by transforming the unhealthy behavior PATTERNS into positive attributes of the character of my being. Naturally, I am a HUMAN being, NOT PERFECT being and will always have a shadow that eludes the radiant light. As long as I am mindful the shadow cannot control me.
As my CONSCIOUSNESS becomes AWARE of this profound knowledge, I feel my skin as though it were the branches from the TREE OF LIFE extending out from the very depths of my being, muscles flexing as leaves rustle in the wind. As my RECOVERY progresses I feel closer to my HIGHER POWER evermore.
My body is my frame, the vehicle for my LIFE. It is strong and masculine. I am a man.
Up ahead are my future windows of OPPORTUNITY. I am no longer tied to specific outcomes and remain flexible with the options present IN THE NOW. The future uncertain, I choose to be open-minded and accepting. Looking ahead, my rear-view reminds me of my ADDICTION. The past reminder of my journey is in my present view. The TREE OF LIFE in fresh, rainbow is the complimentary touchstone to my serenity, my HIGHER POWER.
My journey down the road of RECOVERY, on to STEP THREE, I surrender my being to the universe. I have some tools to gauge my recovery on the dashboard: SERENITY is my fuel. If I am full of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness I can travel far in my recovery. I can also check my STEPS-PER-YEAR to see how fast I’m going. And, of course, my MEETINGS-PER-WEEK gauges how I’m moving through the steps each year. My tracking is complete with my SOBER DAYS.
My recovery dashboard also provides several indicator lights, warning of a RELAPSE. The TRIGGERS are also the things that I can surrender and turn back over to the UNIVERSE. Those things beyond my control and out-of-bounds for the ego light up, then I know to let it go. At any time, I can stop for a trigger and my being stops recovery.
From the ROOTS of my heritage a solid foundation of my being took hold, sprawling far and wide in support. After a geographical move, I sprung forth, breaking out of the ground. Each passing year, a new trunk ring, unfurling leaves of SUCCESS. Growth and maturation create branches reaching further. The tree of my being grows evermore deep down into the COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS and upward to a HIGHER STATE OF BEING – INFINITY.
Burning bright, graduating with honors twice, my education provides the energy required for the EVOLUTION OF MY BEING. As all things do, seasons of CHANGE brought twilight. The darkness of my addiction casts long shadows on my being; the sun sets. However, there is beauty in the fall for an end is also a new beginning – INFINITY.
And as my tree of life grows, so does that of the UNIVERSE. All of the subatomic particles have amassed in an array beyond compare. Attuning my being to the UNIVERSAL TREE OF LIFE, my physical, mental, and spiritual health take their rightful, honest location. Living in the NOW, wholly acknowledging how the piece of my being fits into the proverbial puzzle, is the very essence of SERENITY and PEACE. Accepting this SPIRITUAL TRUTH, I do recover.
Here we go again with maybe writing this thing.
There is too much to catch up on. So much has happened. What I have is now: today. But don't worry, I'm still a crazy dreamer.
The concept has changed, but not the look or the layout. This page was always meant to be a look into my worldview so you my reader can see what I see. Here, let me show you. Let's just say that things got really BAD, but they are getting better. See my step work.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Always quick to find a reason not to love...I lay down my arms and surrender...in your arms...
In your arms
a strong embrace
the comfort of home
quiet I rest
For this I long
to lay in peace
in the warmth of breath
from your heart
Whispers of our souls
sparks that ignite
I lose myself
becoming something new
in your arms
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Here is the dilemma. I am shackled to my vice: VODKA. I am POWERLESS, a slave. On top of the mountainous ADDICTION of top shelf bottles are diamonds. USE is POWERFUL, GLAMOROUS, PRESTIGIOUS, SEXY at the surface level. I covet my DRUG of choice and spend top dollar to get HIGH.
Invoking Atlas, I stand at the edge of the world all alone with the burden of my UNMANGEABLE life. This raging maelstrom of EMPLOYMENT, FINANCES, HEALTH PROBLEMS wages war on my LIFE. It is only a matter of TIME until I buckle, falling into a DEATH crevasse not to return.
Under the barrage of stimuli, I can no longer THINK or ACT because I am UNDER THE INFLUENCE. My mood fluctuating rapidly CRANKY, SAD, STRESSED, CALM, ALERT, HAPPY. My SPIRIT, the cat, takes a nap. Brooklyn to China, I cannot ESCAPE. Only a 911 life line can divert CRISIS.
I am driving a car through LIFE. This vehicle created a MASK, both POWERFUL and UNIQUE. It protects my SOUL. My windows filter the BELIEFS through which I see my world…some tinted, some rosey.
As I drive, I follow the ups and downs, twists and turns. To my left, the tree of life: HEALTH, FAMILY, FRIENDS, SPIRITUALITY. It is the color of MONEY, nourished by my CAREER through various JOBS. To my right, boulders fallen: those who lost to ADDICTION. This path I follow guide lines of DENIAL, MANIPULATION, PRIDE that keep me in route to USE, DISILLUSIONS, IGNORANCE.
In the distance a mountain range looms under dusk. My ADDICTION is massive and treacherous. Peaks of PAIN, SUFFERING, DEPRESSION, pitted with INSANITY, ANXIETY, INSOMNIA, are just the tips of my DISEASE. Up there, I am ALONE and HELPLESS. I consider SUICIDE to escape the DEPENDENCE on such a desolate environment.
As the brake lights flash and I round yet another bender, I see the sign: DEATH. Beware of the grim reaper’s future. Light beams of RECOVERY and SOBRIETY illuminate this landscape. As night falls and I can barely see, AA and IOP lead my EDUCATION. I don’t have to follow this path; I now choose ABSTINENCE to make my new STYLE.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
1. color to wear: green
2. pet: cat
3. flower: tiger lily
4. number: 69
5. smell: Chanel Allure Homme Sport
6. taste: mint
7. hobby: art
8. city: NYC
9. food: cheese
10. drink: used to be vodka martini, now espresso
11. book: The Lord of the Rings
12. author: Ayn Rand
13. magazine: WAD
14. music: dance/electronic
15. artist: M.I.A.
16. clothing: hoodies
17. time of day: midnight
18. saying: "Style is how you live your whole life."
It is truly amazing where life can take you--where you take your life, rather. My world has been turned upside down and inside out, but with all of this change I am learning more about myself and how I fit into this existence. I am returning to blogging as a way to enact my intentions and a return to journaling. Somehow, if I put it out here it is more real than sitting in a book on my shelf. It also helps me include artwork and be otherwise creative.
To best set the tone for future entries, I should highlight some of what has brought me here. I suffered greatly during the economic fall out, and still haven't recovered. I took a job in China about 20 months ago, but was deported. With pennies to my name I had to move back in with my parents. Fortunately, I was still able to collect unemployment, but I used that money to party through last summer when all those resources were tapped. I've been through a hodgepodge of jobs since this past fall, but the party continued along with the deterioration of my mental, physical, and spiritual health. On May 5th I dialed 911 while severely intoxicated and contemplating suicide to end all of the madness. After a short stint in the ER (that's another story), I was involuntarily committed to a detox and psych ward for 7 days. Though, I would have gone anyway...that's why I dialed the life line and asked for help! My aftercare includes an IOP for drug/alcohol counseling, AA/NA meetings, a psychiatrist, two counselors, and so forth. I am happy to say that I have been clean and sober for 52 days. Stopping drinking and not picking up has been the surprisingly easy part; the personal growth and facing life has been the hard part. This blog will be a lot of exploration and contemplation of my self filled with musing, discoveries, artwork, and everything else fabulous along the way.
And, as my dad once told me, "You have a choice in the type of man you want to be."
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The problem is I always think and act as though I'm like everyone else (talk about believing in what you feel)...when in fact the problem is not everyone thinks like me, so they're not the same as me...nobody thinks I could be like them...so can you treat them like you want to be treated...does the golden rule work if they define it differently? Can you really treat all people equally? Sometime you have to tell people what they want to hear versus what they need to hear...and what's really fair about either side of that? Where's the integrity in that flip flop scenario? And who has any jurisdiction to decide what someone else needs or wants to hear? And for that matter, who is an individual to know what they want or need to hear until it has already been said? Otherwise, wouldn't we just be a society of individuals disconnected from each other? Or, aren't we already selfish enough? Then again, I fall back on balance. Find the balance and you land safely in any decision with those around you...those nouns, verbs, and adjectives that define your life. Hence the question: What is the meaning of life? Who am I? What do I want? What do I need? What do I want to need? What is the real question here?