Wake up!

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AMAZING

PRICE LE$$

Overheard in line at Duane Reade, "No, not Marlboro reds. They'll kill me." Laughing, "I want the lights."

Raid Update

32 busted

Hands up!

Friday night just got way out of control. After partying all day, and night in fact. We were at mr black circa 5:00 AM dancing having a good time without being too trifling when all of the sudden the music stops and the cops start filing in. The first one had a sledge (like he had to break down the door???) and yelling for everyone to put their hands above their heads where he can see them. Drug raid. Immediately the entire staff is rounded up and cuffed. They're taking the cash registers and searching the entire place. Then we noticed that there were 3 or 4 undercover cops that we had seen in plain clothes now moving freely about. So they're busting a drug ring led by the people who work there...OK...not so bad. But when can we leave? 5 at a time we are allowed up stairs on the sidewalk where we are questioned and frisked. I did actually have to laugh because, like most nights out, I didn't have a shirt on. The first question, "Where's your shirt?" You just raided a gay club at 5 AM...boys are dancing without shirts on...what did you expect? He didn't get very far because the guy next to me barely spoke English and was giving them a really hard time, so my cop just sort of patted me on the back with a "Get out of here..." We had to wait across the street as rest of our friends came out. I guess I don't have any legal rights at that point even in a public place??? Also comical was the amount of baggies that instantly appeared on the floor...mission accomplished I guess.

Sushi Dreaming

So I dreamt last night I was at a Madonna concert and she picked me out of the crowd to come on stage. Her people took me backstage while she continued her performance. They put me in an all black leather outfit and hoist me up in the air, and floated me out on stage where Madonna was in a similar black leather outfit with metal studs, and a whip. She was also tethered up. Madonna began to whip me in rhythm to the song. Part way through she asked me if I wanted it harder and I said yes, so she did. After the song was over we floated around front row finger tips just brushing the crowds. Next song Madonna and I sang together arms around eachothers' shoulders. Weird thing is I don't know the songs she/we sang and have never been to a Madonna concert...some dream.

KALA

M.I.A. dropped "KALA" on Tuesday. I went to Virgin to buy it and got a free poster and banadana. Now I'll fit it with all the other cool kids! She is my favorite artist, though, for those of you who don't know me. I fell in love with Galang before it realeased in the US when I first heard it in a Bugz in the Attic Essential Mix on Radio 1 about 3 years ago. If you haven't heard her, you should at least check out her videos. She is an amazing artist with a lot to say, saying it in a fresh and original way.

www.miauk.com

www.myspace.com/mia

Summer Rain

I had the most amazing walk home from the train last night. A strong t-storm cell was blowing through with torrential rain...literally curtains of water. I didn't have my umbrella and I wasn't about to congregate with the local riff-raff at the station, so off I went. It is one of the greatest, most refreshing feelings: cool rain drops falling all over you on a warm summer evening. I was soaking wet, all the way through my underwear, wringing out my water-logged jeans and t-shirt when I got back. The looks from passersby and people holed up under awnings were most amusing...like I was completely crazy. It's just rain, people. And if I'm any judge of character most of them could use a good soaking!

Colored Dots

When you look at the comic page really close...held all the way up to your nose...it's just a bunch of dots. It doesn't make any sense; it doesn't look like anything. Through heartbreak and sorrow, through joy and laughter life looks like a bunch of brightly colored dots--or not. But step back, and see that all those dots are connected. Life is funny that way. We are all connected and makes sense.

randoM

The weirdest request I ever got after hooking up was for resume paper. Yes, let's blow eachother, and by the way do you have resume paper? Why in fact I do! I have a standard white with watermark and an antiqued white both in heavier stock...which do you prefer? I'm not sure if I am more weak by the request, or that I obliged with an option of resume papers...he took the white watermark...

Gays are evil...didn't you know?

PRICE LE$$

Chatting brings all kinds of entertainment. I have a short list of what works and what doesn't on my profile. This recent exchange gave me a good chuckle...shut him right up...

boy: dAM U SOUND LIEK EERYTHING U STATE WHAT DOESN'T. BUT WHO THE FUCK A i & U DNT FUCKIGN CARE.. SRRY.. FOR BEING PRESUMPTIOUS.

me: damn, insulting me and can't even spell your way through it...no need to be sorry you made yourself quite clear...in fact upholding my assumptions about you...but why the fuck do you care?

boy: NAH I CAN SPELL, JUST ON A PDA & MY FINGERS R TOO BIG & I DIDN'T PROOF IT CAUSE IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.. bUT PLS BRING OR SEND ALL THE UNTRIMMED, UN PLUCKED REAL SMELLY , MASC MEN HERE PAPA.. HAVE FIN UN BENSONHURST.. HMM UR ALL MUSCLE, WHAT MUST i BE LOL..

me: no need for excuses dude, and you must be a size queen cause I never said I was all muscle....if I find some unkept men I'll be sure to pass 'em on...you must like sloppy seconds...

boy poet speak

paradise

like a summer rain storm
fall ing over my tan skin
so full of life
I thought to myself
what if we love ?
every heart never alone

Hide and seek...

...come out, come out wherever you are!

I find the whole coming out process very cliched. When did it become this obligatory phase to sit down with friends and family and discuss your sexuality? I guess culturally it's always been the large pink elephant in the room (world really) that no one talks about. It's taken the maturity of ourselves to step up to the plate and talk about it. I've come to realize it's not for the one coming out, but for everyone else's benefit because they don't know or don't understand. So this leads me know into the cliched coming out blog post. I think it's best possible scenario, and I really couldn't be happier with how the past 2 months have turned out.

I came out first to my best friends who were very supportive and loving. They're all gay and I'm sure that played a large role in their acceptance, obviously. Actually some are not out, partially out, and out all the way. This first step was the easy part...but how to tell my family. I really got past the cliched obligatory part of telling my family after the recent passing of the 3 remaining grandparents, and my youngest brothers impending college graduation. I realized that part of my family has passed on and they never knew the whole me, and the rest of us were moving on with our lives. I've never been a big family man even though I come from a large family. After moving to NYC and living on my own I really began to know how important close family ties are. At the same time I also accepted that this full disclosure could alienate me from my entire family and I had to be prepared to deal with that. So, with through some very deep heart-to-heart talks with my best friends, I made a conscious decision to make sure I told them 1) in person and 2) before the rest of my friends. I wanted to be sure they heard it from me and not someone else. Then, I also needed to find an appropriate time. I was okay with whenever, but I only see my family on important occaisions and major holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, surgery, funerals, etc.). I did not want my coming out to be a big deal or take away from the few times we are celebrating or mourning as a family. I do not see my sexuality as a big deal and think it's important to convey that to the people I love.

Mum and Dad

I originally wanted to tell my family all at once, but I knew that was very unlikely without other friends or family also present as both my brothers have serious girlfriends and my parents entertain a lot. I knew getting the rentals at once would be easier. I was going home over Memorial Day weekend for my younger brother's graduation, and would have the rest of the weekend to relax at home with my rentals. I really was nervous to be honest. I was certain that mum would be okay because she is so eternally loving and could never disown any of her sons, and believe me we have been putting this theory to the test! I wasn't sure about dad though. I knew he loved me, but he is established as the strong father figure in our family and I often heard him make snide comments about my gay friends. He really follows the middle america, redneck, traditional mentality, although not really conservative or close-minded. That day I talked to one of my best friends who was also home at the beach on vacation and he reminded me that there is never a good time and there will always be a reason not to do it, so just do it! He asked me how I was going to tell them exactly. I knew I couldn't say, "I like boys." or "I prefer guys." or "I think I'm gay." I knew I had to be direct as to avoid any confusion. So as Sunday progressed mum took her nap, and dad was watching the race. After mum woke up we sat in the kitchen with a glass of wine. 4 o'clock is wine time, so we had some cheese and other nibbly things as we began to think about what we wanted to do for supper. I asked if we could eat at the table, to which she agreed. I know that she likes us to sit down and eat together instead of at the counter or living room. I set the table and dad lit the grill. So do it now, during supper, or after? I had put it off this long, but mum was cooking and dad was still tuned into the race. Okay so I put it off a little bit longer. We had cheese burgers, corn, and macaroni and cheese. Our talk was light over dinner. I started to segway talking about my nana who was just passed away, and my youngest brother's graduation the day before. The subject quickly turned. Mum was still so happy that all her boys made it through college in 4 years, etc. My plan wasn't exactly going as I intended. It was still good conversation though. Dad got up and put the milk away. Side note, I grew up drinking milk with supper...and still do. It is a country thing I guess that all of my friends find amusement in that I will drink milk with anything. Anyway, so I knew I had to do it then or else I would have completed defaulted on my extended stay at home...sort of giving myself a guilt trip and a swift kick in the ass. My voiced faultered a bit, but...

"I need to talk to you guys about something."

Dad came and sat back down, rerouting from his short walk to the recliner.

Mum, sounding slightly worried "What is it?"

Me, "Well I tried to bring it up earlier about nana and us all moving out on our own."

Mum, "You can tell us."

Me, "I just want you to know what is going on in my life. I think it's important."

Mum, starting to get more worried and wide-eyed, "It's okay. You can tell us. What is it?"

Me, "I'm gay."

Mum, "Well we were wondering if you were."

Dad, "We still love you. We don't think anything less of you."

Mum, "We just want you to be happy."

Whew. A sense of relief filled the room, and not just for me. We then sat and talked. Well mum and I talked. Dad really didn't say anything else, which I was expecting. We talked about my exgirlfriend, how I knew, how long I knew, who else knows, and so forth. They told me that they don't understand it and didn't want to offend me by asking questions, which caused me to laugh out loud. I reassured them that it would take a lot to offend me and that I wanted them to be comfortable to ask me questions. If I didn't want to or couldn't answer them that I would be honest about it, but that I wanted them to ask me questions and reassured them that I didn't expect them to understand it. Mum also made a comment about my staunch character that she knew I was going to do what I wanted to do anyway, that I always have. It came across slightly insulting, but I knew what she was trying to say. She knew that if they chose not to accept my sexuality that it wouldn't stop me. So the underlying choice that they accepted it before I told them outright really strengthened our relationship, and I love them more now than ever. She did note though that I said I was gay and not that I thought I was. I am the first in my family to be openly gay, but we are pretty sure that her brother who passed away a few years ago was gay. I talked about it with one of my good friends a while ago, but never with my family. I felt slightly miffed that they never talked to me about my uncle in this way, but I still am not sure how exactly they felt about it. I let that one go. I got a big hug from both and we cleaned up dinner. I told them that I was going to tell my brothers, but that they could tell whomever they wanted if they felt comfortable, but I didnt expect them to tell anyone. I made sure they knew I wasn't ashamed and that they were told so they heard it from me first. The next day dad took me to the train to take back to the city. We never talked about it, and still haven't talked about it. However, he gave me a hug and kiss good bye as usual, but this was the longest hug he ever gave me (not the typical macho guy hug that's 10 seconds max with one or two pats on the back...it was a good minute long). And, he told me how much he loved me. I even sensed him getting choked up a bit, but he swallowed hard and let go with a big smile and told me to have safe trip home.

My brothers

I am the middle child, and only since going to college has my relationship with them gotten better. They are both closer with eachother than I am with either of them. I knew they both had friends who were gay and that they didn't have any categorical objections to it. About six weeks after telling my rentals I was going home again for a big family bonfire. I knew I would be able to talk to my brothers then. I pulled them aside individually over the weekend at different times to talk to them. I told them the same way I told my rentals: I wanted them to hear it from me first and that as we are all moving on with our lives I felt it was important they knew what was going on in my life. Both of their first reactions was telling me how happy they were for me followed by a huge bear hug. I found it odd that they both mentioned a trip back during the Christmas holiday they had taken home to visit my uncles (mum's brothers) and they had talked to them both about my uncle (their brother). He told my brothers that the family wanted me to know that it was okay for me to come to them because they were upset that their brother never could or never did tell them. Another side note is that my nana used to always call me by his name by mistake when I was young. My older brother told me though that he wasn't comfortable approaching me about it and felt weird that my uncles had sort of put a resposibility on him to talk to me about it for the whole family. I'm not sure how I feel about my whole family talking about my sexuality when I'm not around given that no one was surprised, but I really do know that it shows how much they love me and really didn't know how to approach it. And as one of my friends jokes with me, "You smell that? *sniff* *sniff* Smells like faggot!" It is something that I've never hidden and I have never tried to act straight...in fact I've never tried to act anything. I am always just me. Both my brothers asked about my exgirlfriend and told me how happy they were for me that I was comfortable talking to them. I sensed a greater mutual respect between us really. And now I know that my family loves me for me.

Taking all of this into consideration I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting on my past. That's a whole other post though. The good news is that I'm out to my closest friends and to my family, and I have their love and support. Cheers to that sweetie, darling.

another day