The weirdest request I ever got after hooking up was for resume paper. Yes, let's blow eachother, and by the way do you have resume paper? Why in fact I do! I have a standard white with watermark and an antiqued white both in heavier stock...which do you prefer? I'm not sure if I am more weak by the request, or that I obliged with an option of resume papers...he took the white watermark...
Chatting brings all kinds of entertainment. I have a short list of what works and what doesn't on my profile. This recent exchange gave me a good chuckle...shut him right up...
boy: dAM U SOUND LIEK EERYTHING U STATE WHAT DOESN'T. BUT WHO THE FUCK A i & U DNT FUCKIGN CARE.. SRRY.. FOR BEING PRESUMPTIOUS.
me: damn, insulting me and can't even spell your way through it...no need to be sorry you made yourself quite clear...in fact upholding my assumptions about you...but why the fuck do you care?
boy: NAH I CAN SPELL, JUST ON A PDA & MY FINGERS R TOO BIG & I DIDN'T PROOF IT CAUSE IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.. bUT PLS BRING OR SEND ALL THE UNTRIMMED, UN PLUCKED REAL SMELLY , MASC MEN HERE PAPA.. HAVE FIN UN BENSONHURST.. HMM UR ALL MUSCLE, WHAT MUST i BE LOL..
me: no need for excuses dude, and you must be a size queen cause I never said I was all muscle....if I find some unkept men I'll be sure to pass 'em on...you must like sloppy seconds...
paradise
like a summer rain storm
fall ing over my tan skin
so full of life
I thought to myself
what if we love ?
every heart never alone
...come out, come out wherever you are!
I find the whole coming out process very cliched. When did it become this obligatory phase to sit down with friends and family and discuss your sexuality? I guess culturally it's always been the large pink elephant in the room (world really) that no one talks about. It's taken the maturity of ourselves to step up to the plate and talk about it. I've come to realize it's not for the one coming out, but for everyone else's benefit because they don't know or don't understand. So this leads me know into the cliched coming out blog post. I think it's best possible scenario, and I really couldn't be happier with how the past 2 months have turned out.
I came out first to my best friends who were very supportive and loving. They're all gay and I'm sure that played a large role in their acceptance, obviously. Actually some are not out, partially out, and out all the way. This first step was the easy part...but how to tell my family. I really got past the cliched obligatory part of telling my family after the recent passing of the 3 remaining grandparents, and my youngest brothers impending college graduation. I realized that part of my family has passed on and they never knew the whole me, and the rest of us were moving on with our lives. I've never been a big family man even though I come from a large family. After moving to NYC and living on my own I really began to know how important close family ties are. At the same time I also accepted that this full disclosure could alienate me from my entire family and I had to be prepared to deal with that. So, with through some very deep heart-to-heart talks with my best friends, I made a conscious decision to make sure I told them 1) in person and 2) before the rest of my friends. I wanted to be sure they heard it from me and not someone else. Then, I also needed to find an appropriate time. I was okay with whenever, but I only see my family on important occaisions and major holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, surgery, funerals, etc.). I did not want my coming out to be a big deal or take away from the few times we are celebrating or mourning as a family. I do not see my sexuality as a big deal and think it's important to convey that to the people I love.
Mum and Dad
I originally wanted to tell my family all at once, but I knew that was very unlikely without other friends or family also present as both my brothers have serious girlfriends and my parents entertain a lot. I knew getting the rentals at once would be easier. I was going home over Memorial Day weekend for my younger brother's graduation, and would have the rest of the weekend to relax at home with my rentals. I really was nervous to be honest. I was certain that mum would be okay because she is so eternally loving and could never disown any of her sons, and believe me we have been putting this theory to the test! I wasn't sure about dad though. I knew he loved me, but he is established as the strong father figure in our family and I often heard him make snide comments about my gay friends. He really follows the middle america, redneck, traditional mentality, although not really conservative or close-minded. That day I talked to one of my best friends who was also home at the beach on vacation and he reminded me that there is never a good time and there will always be a reason not to do it, so just do it! He asked me how I was going to tell them exactly. I knew I couldn't say, "I like boys." or "I prefer guys." or "I think I'm gay." I knew I had to be direct as to avoid any confusion. So as Sunday progressed mum took her nap, and dad was watching the race. After mum woke up we sat in the kitchen with a glass of wine. 4 o'clock is wine time, so we had some cheese and other nibbly things as we began to think about what we wanted to do for supper. I asked if we could eat at the table, to which she agreed. I know that she likes us to sit down and eat together instead of at the counter or living room. I set the table and dad lit the grill. So do it now, during supper, or after? I had put it off this long, but mum was cooking and dad was still tuned into the race. Okay so I put it off a little bit longer. We had cheese burgers, corn, and macaroni and cheese. Our talk was light over dinner. I started to segway talking about my nana who was just passed away, and my youngest brother's graduation the day before. The subject quickly turned. Mum was still so happy that all her boys made it through college in 4 years, etc. My plan wasn't exactly going as I intended. It was still good conversation though. Dad got up and put the milk away. Side note, I grew up drinking milk with supper...and still do. It is a country thing I guess that all of my friends find amusement in that I will drink milk with anything. Anyway, so I knew I had to do it then or else I would have completed defaulted on my extended stay at home...sort of giving myself a guilt trip and a swift kick in the ass. My voiced faultered a bit, but...
"I need to talk to you guys about something."
Dad came and sat back down, rerouting from his short walk to the recliner.
Mum, sounding slightly worried "What is it?"
Me, "Well I tried to bring it up earlier about nana and us all moving out on our own."
Mum, "You can tell us."
Me, "I just want you to know what is going on in my life. I think it's important."
Mum, starting to get more worried and wide-eyed, "It's okay. You can tell us. What is it?"
Me, "I'm gay."
Mum, "Well we were wondering if you were."
Dad, "We still love you. We don't think anything less of you."
Mum, "We just want you to be happy."
Whew. A sense of relief filled the room, and not just for me. We then sat and talked. Well mum and I talked. Dad really didn't say anything else, which I was expecting. We talked about my exgirlfriend, how I knew, how long I knew, who else knows, and so forth. They told me that they don't understand it and didn't want to offend me by asking questions, which caused me to laugh out loud. I reassured them that it would take a lot to offend me and that I wanted them to be comfortable to ask me questions. If I didn't want to or couldn't answer them that I would be honest about it, but that I wanted them to ask me questions and reassured them that I didn't expect them to understand it. Mum also made a comment about my staunch character that she knew I was going to do what I wanted to do anyway, that I always have. It came across slightly insulting, but I knew what she was trying to say. She knew that if they chose not to accept my sexuality that it wouldn't stop me. So the underlying choice that they accepted it before I told them outright really strengthened our relationship, and I love them more now than ever. She did note though that I said I was gay and not that I thought I was. I am the first in my family to be openly gay, but we are pretty sure that her brother who passed away a few years ago was gay. I talked about it with one of my good friends a while ago, but never with my family. I felt slightly miffed that they never talked to me about my uncle in this way, but I still am not sure how exactly they felt about it. I let that one go. I got a big hug from both and we cleaned up dinner. I told them that I was going to tell my brothers, but that they could tell whomever they wanted if they felt comfortable, but I didnt expect them to tell anyone. I made sure they knew I wasn't ashamed and that they were told so they heard it from me first. The next day dad took me to the train to take back to the city. We never talked about it, and still haven't talked about it. However, he gave me a hug and kiss good bye as usual, but this was the longest hug he ever gave me (not the typical macho guy hug that's 10 seconds max with one or two pats on the back...it was a good minute long). And, he told me how much he loved me. I even sensed him getting choked up a bit, but he swallowed hard and let go with a big smile and told me to have safe trip home.
My brothers
I am the middle child, and only since going to college has my relationship with them gotten better. They are both closer with eachother than I am with either of them. I knew they both had friends who were gay and that they didn't have any categorical objections to it. About six weeks after telling my rentals I was going home again for a big family bonfire. I knew I would be able to talk to my brothers then. I pulled them aside individually over the weekend at different times to talk to them. I told them the same way I told my rentals: I wanted them to hear it from me first and that as we are all moving on with our lives I felt it was important they knew what was going on in my life. Both of their first reactions was telling me how happy they were for me followed by a huge bear hug. I found it odd that they both mentioned a trip back during the Christmas holiday they had taken home to visit my uncles (mum's brothers) and they had talked to them both about my uncle (their brother). He told my brothers that the family wanted me to know that it was okay for me to come to them because they were upset that their brother never could or never did tell them. Another side note is that my nana used to always call me by his name by mistake when I was young. My older brother told me though that he wasn't comfortable approaching me about it and felt weird that my uncles had sort of put a resposibility on him to talk to me about it for the whole family. I'm not sure how I feel about my whole family talking about my sexuality when I'm not around given that no one was surprised, but I really do know that it shows how much they love me and really didn't know how to approach it. And as one of my friends jokes with me, "You smell that? *sniff* *sniff* Smells like faggot!" It is something that I've never hidden and I have never tried to act straight...in fact I've never tried to act anything. I am always just me. Both my brothers asked about my exgirlfriend and told me how happy they were for me that I was comfortable talking to them. I sensed a greater mutual respect between us really. And now I know that my family loves me for me.
Taking all of this into consideration I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting on my past. That's a whole other post though. The good news is that I'm out to my closest friends and to my family, and I have their love and support. Cheers to that sweetie, darling.
EVERY DAY IS AN ADVENTURE. EVERY DAY YOU FOLLOW THE SCHEDULE. EVERY PERSON CAN NOT BE PLEASED EVERY TIME. EVERY LIFE IS IMPORTANT. EVERY DREAM DESERVES TO BE REALIZED. EVERY STORE SELLS THE SAME CLOTHING. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. ESCAPE THE WORLD OF EVERY.
I never carry change or cash so that I don't feel guilty about not giving to beggers--not that I would any way. This guy was begging today on 53rd jingling the change in his dixie cup, "Can anyone help me please? Spare change? What? Credit cards? TGIF people!" I still didn't give anything, but I did find amusement in his creativity in appealing to the working class' excitement for the weekend.
I went to an advanced screening of "Sunshine." Same director as "Trainspotting," "The Beach," and "28 Day Later" so I knew that it couldn't be awful. I'm still on the fence about how good I thought it actually was though. Thankfully a cheap romance wasn't threaded into the plot. And the movie played beautifully (thanks to help from NASA I believe) with the imagery of the sun. Basically in the future our sun is going to burn out, casting Earth into a solar winter. "Sunshine" looks at a last attempt to reignite the sun and save mankind. There are several good twists that keep you on the edge of your seat, but still seemed to move a bit slow at 108 minutes running. I won't give away the ending, but one of the major underlying concepts that drives the film is that we are just star dust...ashes to ashes. So yes, you should go see it. It is a beautiful film, but probably not going to be a huge summer blockbuster like "Die Hard 4" or "Transformers" because it is much more of a movie (in a pure artistic and raw sense) than just pure entertainment aimed at filling the theaters.
SUNSHINE
I have to ask: is it really appropriate for the ice cream truck to drive around at 10 o'clock at night?
I think I need to invest in security cameras, or something to monitor myself. As myself I cannot be held responsible for myself. I went to happy hour last night: five martinis, a bottle of saki, and a few rolls of sushi. When I woke up, I was sprawled in the middle of my livingroom floor. Naked. My clothes were strewn about the apartment. I had not hooked up and there was no porn open on my computer. I have no idea what I was doing or even attempting to do. I guess I just fell out. Who can say.
love
full mouth
tingle play
celebrate plump
under butt
oil river
boy skin
immense popsicle
feel puddle
giggle
come
brilliant
--SEAN (guest poet)
PANHANDLING WITH A MARC JACOBS SHOPPING BAG
"If you could spare a moment of your time to help me out. My husband got sick about a year ago and lost his job. We are homeless. We spend the nights in the shelter, but have to leave in the morning. At this time of day [evening] we start to plan what we are going to do tomorrow. If you have any spare change to help us eat we'd appreciate it. Thank you. Have a good evening."
Style is essentially a good mix of proportion, color, texture, and references. If it's "good" then it is obviously qualitative and what works for some doesn't work for others. Generally though there is good style and bad style. There is no such thing as a universal style; no such thing as only one thing in "vogue" because fashion is not absolute.
Anyone who knows anything about fashion and style knows that trends are two-fold. A style can be going up in popularity in one area and down in another. It is cyclical and organic...a constant flux of change. Apparel is very much about "in the now" and balancing with vintage and timeless pieces.
You can't take style out of context. Here today "yes, fashionable" and tomorrow it is out of style--or so it would seem. A great example is the upcoming GAP campaign to feature Williamsburg style skinny jeans. All the fashionistas in NYC are screaming that the rocker chic look is SOOO over and we s/b jumping at wider leg culottes as starlets are already doing in SoCo. Honestly is the Hedi Slimane for Dior skinny look capute? Slimane did leave Dior, but I don't see skinny going out of style anytime in the next decade if ever in my life.
I think it really matters how you feel and how you pull it together. The attitude behind your look is very apparent, and we (public/friends/etc) can sense how you feel about the way you're dressed, so rock it out. After all it's just clothes, right?
