A Conundrum

The problem is I always think and act as though I'm like everyone else (talk about believing in what you feel)...when in fact the problem is not everyone thinks like me, so they're not the same as me...nobody thinks I could be like them...so can you treat them like you want to be treated...does the golden rule work if they define it differently? Can you really treat all people equally? Sometime you have to tell people what they want to hear versus what they need to hear...and what's really fair about either side of that? Where's the integrity in that flip flop scenario? And who has any jurisdiction to decide what someone else needs or wants to hear? And for that matter, who is an individual to know what they want or need to hear until it has already been said? Otherwise, wouldn't we just be a society of individuals disconnected from each other? Or, aren't we already selfish enough? Then again, I fall back on balance. Find the balance and you land safely in any decision with those around you...those nouns, verbs, and adjectives that define your life. Hence the question: What is the meaning of life? Who am I? What do I want? What do I need? What do I want to need? What is the real question here?

8" - WHITE

PRICE LE$$

Spotted in the stall today at Borders:

NYC

New York New York, big city of dreams and everything in New York ain't always what it seems. Thanks, Epiphany! Peace. Love. Unity. Respect.

There is no one right way for people to live.

The revolution won't take place all at once.
It will be achieved incrementally, by people working off each other's ideas.
It will be led by no one.
It will not be the initiative of any political, governmental, or religious body.
It has no targeted end point.
It will proceed according to no plan.
It will reward those who further the revolution with the coin of the revolution.

Bad Dreams

I'm in a cab with 4 other people plus the driver...all friends. We are on a long cab ride down an interstate from like Florida to NYC. The cab driver keeps getting pulled over for speeding. Part way through our trip we stop at hotel. We go to a Rite Aide. All I remember about the hotel room was the shower. It was a large white room with a glass door and several overhead spouts. I take a shower after everyone else has gone to bed. In morning I walk down the street into a really complex parking lot following signs for C. After seeing long lines for the one entrance, we found out that we could go to a different area to meet my brother. It seemed to be for some kind of outdoor festival. It was a beachy parking lot and extended as far as I could see. By the time we got to him it was time to go as it was getting dark. There were hordes of people leaving I got in a SUV with 3 other people and I remember we had to leave someone behind. I knew these people, but didn't actually know them. So we are finding way out of the crazy parking lot and a truck is coming at us in a 1 lane road the wrong way. The lady driving SUV I'm in is maybe 50's but grey she freaks out and starts twisting the wheel back and forth rapidly. She won't slow down and the truck isn't either, so just before we crash head-on she swerves right rapidly and goes up over a sort of planter about 2ft high and framed out with wood filled will small shrubs. Obviously SUV makes it over eventually but it is really rough. As soon as we are over it all the wheels fall off, doors fall off and we have to jump out. When I look back the SUV is just a frame and oil/gas spilling out everywhere tires rolled off to side still. So I walk away as they freak out and try to find my parents again so I can leave. Meanwhile I'm freaking cause I lost my camera and can't find it. I walk a long time in parking lot again and finally find my parents. We call hotel and they are checking if I lost my camera there. I get in the back seat and my dad starts to tell me what a huge failure I am. He says he can't depend on me and I've just fucked my life up beyond repair. I am crying and my mum just stays out of it. We have to circle through a lot of parking lot still to get out. We cross the bridge that only 1 of the 4 lanes is completed. Not all of pylons are done either. I think they may be making a 2nd story to the bridge. We drive really fast and there are cones to keep us in our lane. We are headed to open beach. Someone is parked right in our path and when we go to go right to get around there are a bunch of police blocking the way. 2 sports cars race around either side of us in front and slam on brakes. We do too to keep from pushing them into police barricade. Finally we get around and I get my little dog out waiting to walk up onto the beach. I'm told I can't stand there for a minute longer with him or I'll be arrested...and I have to pick him up and carry him. He is a puppy and wiggling a lot so I have a hard time picking him up. I get lots of compliments on the dog. So I walk out to the last dune and stand overlooking the beach. There is a helicopter rescue in place. The man that was drowning is close enough to shore I can't figure out why a life guard didn't just swim out. He is hanging onto the string and being brought up into the helicopter. He's not in a basket or anything. About 50ft up he drops suddenly into the water like the wench gave out because the string went down with him. The helicopter keeps trying to pick him up for like 10 minutes but keeps dropping him. It is like dumping him. Then the helicopter crashes into the water a few hundred feet away from the shore. I can see two people swimming away from it. The first guy is still struggling. It looks like as helicopter sinks it will pull him further out and under water. The helicopter doesn't sink though and the blade is still spinning just under the surface of the water. I wake up.

About the old header

Some of my favorite types of photographs are abstracts of shape/form, color, and brightness. This picture started with me sitting at my desk as the sun was setting. The entry way into my kitchen was to my left. Looking up at the ceiling the dining room wall framed the ceiling in the kitchen. The middle grey is the flat side of entry way that is a good 18" from the ceiling parallel. Some quick touches in Photoshop, and header created.

New Do

I have been wanting to cut my hair shorter for a while. Until college I always had longer hair (past ears but never to chin), and had shorter hair then on, buzzed. I took off the guard and now I can trim my beard and head on same short setting...about once a week is good. It is crazy how fast my hair does grow. Fortunately, as some dear friends have pointed out, I have a nicely shaped skull and never have to worry about when I go bald because I look good without hair. This picture a friend took right after I got it done. I joke that it is my crazy, bald Britney look because I too am going crazy. Not really, but maybe a little. I have a lot of life stressers right now, but not that broken down yet. I like to change my look up and I was getting tired of the faux hawk. So this is where you comment and tell me how wonderful my nearly bald head looks.

EclipsE

As you may or may not know, I was eclipsed last week! MOOOOOOOOON! Things are pretty hectic in my world...drama, drama, drama...I didn't get my promotion at work so I'm in an all-out body/self crisis...I've immersed myself in my art though. It's a good refuge (above).

untitled

There is no point in being subtle...
I can not reach you in no other way...
My way to you is
Vibrant + In Color

I know no other way...

Forgive me my flood of emotion
For it is all I give you
It is all of me

GUNG HAY FAT CHOY!!!

the gay stigma

I don't have any direct links, but you know by now that a staph infection typically confined to hospital patients has escaped into the gay community and wrecking all kinds of havoc...especially in Boston and San Francisco. In reading blogs (proclaimed gay, proclaimed straight, or just unproclaimed) the consensus is that the gay men are at greatest risk for catching the bacterial infection that will make you go blind, grow hair on the palms of your hands, and wish you had fucked a vagina instead. On one side I'm hearing a resounding rebuttal that it is the 80's AIDS crisis all over again, blaming gay men for all the world's problems (note: it may have gained a notoriety in the 80's, but it's still a crisis...it never left). Other side simply acknowledges that infection rates and other statistics indicate that (at least part of) the gay community scientifically does have higher infection rates, and debatably high-risk behaviors that would foster a pandemic. Again I find myself in a grey area. Yes, if you look at patients being treated for the satanical staph strain, a lot of them are sexually active gay men. Herein lies my qualms. In college I had an intro sociology course SOCI-201 of some sort that was painfully straight-forward, but the professor always found a way to pinpoint relevant and contemporary applications/examples. I now forget technical name, although I know I aced that exam, but you have to be careful in how you interpret data. Her example involved drug use. Interview a random sample of narcotic junkies and the vast majority will admit to having smoked pot, and often it was the first drug they used to get high. Based on this information the only *logical* explanation is that weed is a gateway drug into predestined drug addictions. One toke on good ol' Puff and within months you'll have lost 50lbs selling your ass for a rock. Allow me to stop right here with the full story. Now go interview a random sample of people who have smoked up in their lives. If yes, then you ask what other drugs they have used. The vast majority will not answer heroine, cocaine, crystal meth, GHB, or probably even K. I suppose having actually references would help this argument now, but think about it. How many people do you know have every smoked weed v. how many have detrimental drug dependencies? So back to our incubating, 21st C. apocalypse. To indicate a baseline statistic on gay men v. everyone else and rates of infection is one thing. Stating or even suggestions that based on sexual orientation alone you are at more or less risk is complete and utter bullshit. As the NRA says, "It's not guns that kill people; People kill people." Sexual behaviors would put you at more/less risk. I guess what really upsets me most is that so many people fail to recognize this logic. Especially in the gay community, I find it disconcerting that one could so easily dismiss a serious health concern (for yourself, your friends, your family, for anyone) because you felt it was a personal attack on your sexual identity. I understand being defensive as a minority, but if you succumb to these lewd, outlandish generalizations and can only rant and rave in reactionary manners, then you are keeping the stereotypes and prejudices alive. Being gay doesn't give you AIDS. Being gay doesn't give you Satan Secret Staph #69. Being gay also doesn't give you an excuse not to educate yourself, recognize the currents events of the world, and act as an intelligent and integral human being. Don't bitch and moan about being a scapegoat. If it bothers you that much, then do something to change it.

Riding the roller coaster...

So inevitably after seeing things get better something to the contrary happens. It's a huge philosophical thorn. How do you explain the evil in the world? Is it the original sin? Is there no god and we're just living Darwinistic? Is it a balance that tilts between good and bad? All I can say for sure is that there is a lot of unnecessary negativity in the world. So you tripped and face-planted in a mud puddle right before the biggest meeting of your career...is it THAT big of a deal? No, I didn't, but this post is just a quick note to self: think and act on what really matters.

A Treatise on Dykes and Queens

Early in my studies of Eastern religion I learned the basic symbolism of the Taoist Yin Yang. In case you don't know, and because it is fundamental to this treatise, I'll explain now.

The Yin Yang represents the cyclical nature of life. It is round and curves. It is composed of two polar opposites...traditionally white and black. There is an obvious movement around the symbol as these opposites interact...male/female, light/dark, healthy/sick, fast/slow, exciting/boring, and so forth. So as in life, there is a constant state of flux in the Yin Yang. Furthermore, when either side is at it's greatest, widest, most pure state the seed of it's opposite surfaces...a spot of white at the heart of black; a spot of black at the heart of white.

It should be relatively obvious where I am going now with my treatise. I propose that some homosexual males and females have become an uber sex. A male becomes so male, interested in males, that he has in effect become feminine--queen. Likewise a female becomes so female, interested in females, that she has in effect become masculine--dyke. Gender roles have not only reversed, but also turned inside out. Sure, homosexuality isn't a necessary factor, but it illustrates this point most clearly. First to mind comes Fabio as heterosexual, but so male he starts to present stereotypical feminine characteristics. I'm sure there are other countless examples, even in your close circle of friends...and to many varying degrees.

Bottom line, sexuality and gender are actually very fluid...perfectly illustrated by the Yin Yang. Masculinity and femininity are constantly shifting around and just when one extreme is reached the opposite surfaces, continuing the cycle. It is also worthy to note that even though these opposites are abound amidst constant change, they are still one. The Yin Yang is still one. It is a whole. You could not have male without female. You could not have gay men without lesbian woman. Dykes and queens are one in the same.

Child of the Night

3rd Street

Wake up!

Colored Dots

When you look at the comic page really close...held all the way up to your nose...it's just a bunch of dots. It doesn't make any sense; it doesn't look like anything. Through heartbreak and sorrow, through joy and laughter life looks like a bunch of brightly colored dots--or not. But step back, and see that all those dots are connected. Life is funny that way. We are all connected and makes sense.

another day

concEivE

EVERY DAY IS AN ADVENTURE. EVERY DAY YOU FOLLOW THE SCHEDULE. EVERY PERSON CAN NOT BE PLEASED EVERY TIME. EVERY LIFE IS IMPORTANT. EVERY DREAM DESERVES TO BE REALIZED. EVERY STORE SELLS THE SAME CLOTHING. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. ESCAPE THE WORLD OF EVERY.