A Conundrum

The problem is I always think and act as though I'm like everyone else (talk about believing in what you feel)...when in fact the problem is not everyone thinks like me, so they're not the same as me...nobody thinks I could be like them...so can you treat them like you want to be treated...does the golden rule work if they define it differently? Can you really treat all people equally? Sometime you have to tell people what they want to hear versus what they need to hear...and what's really fair about either side of that? Where's the integrity in that flip flop scenario? And who has any jurisdiction to decide what someone else needs or wants to hear? And for that matter, who is an individual to know what they want or need to hear until it has already been said? Otherwise, wouldn't we just be a society of individuals disconnected from each other? Or, aren't we already selfish enough? Then again, I fall back on balance. Find the balance and you land safely in any decision with those around you...those nouns, verbs, and adjectives that define your life. Hence the question: What is the meaning of life? Who am I? What do I want? What do I need? What do I want to need? What is the real question here?

The easy road is not the high road

I think that creationism is the easy way out. It is a way to describe the phenomenon of life itself, without examining life itself. It is easy to say that there are a set of rules that were prescribed long ago. It is a dedication of tradition to follow these beliefs. Moreso, it is hard to question that everything you thought you knew may not be true. So take the hard road--the road less traveled if you will. The gift bestowed upon mankind is reason; use it. Does it make sense to accept doctrines carte blanche? I cannot believe so, especially when such doctrines have provided the most strife between us. It doesn't make sense that land should be ravaged and people devastated over whether or not Jesus' life dictates which doctrines we follow. But say if it did, what did he say, not in the context of his life, but now. A fine line, fissure even, spreads across humanity in the wake of this approach. Understanding and compassionate thinking remain key. Bring peace into your life. It is better for all of humankind.

Supersize Me

SO much emotion and no outlets...don't know how to feel...don't know what to think...don't know what to do...I'm lost it seems, without a map and certainly no service station. I'm mad at myself. A very raw anger. At first I want to kill myself, but then it seems a long and slow torture is more apt. Not really...I'm happy to be alive, so then why so hurt? I can't pin-point it. I'm disappointed, angry, sad, vengeful, and it goes on and on...just like the beat...on and on....so, I know that's what I must do, obviously. I had a dream to this effect: it was MC ESCHER's stairs, but escalators instead...on a trip to no where. It did not matter how I went, I was always going up to down, but never with a long term goal. It doesn't seem all that prophetic until the key detail: it was all in the basement of the student center of my Uni. Ever since school I've had lots of ups and downs, but haven't really gotten anywhere. I'm sure that's up for debate, but I do feel like I'm back at square one. Force of habit has me job hunting and going down all of the same routes, but I'm not convinced that's best for me. Bottom line, though, is that I'm good at what I do already, and there are bills to be paid...so, either that or...would you like fries with that? In the mean time, check out my beloved Sherry Vine: SUPERSIZER: Britney Spears Womanizer Parody

Warren's Gay War

So we all know that Rick Warren has been asked to give prayer at Obama's inauguration...and that Warren does not have a stellar track record with the LGBT community (in fact an overwhelming negative record...he doesn't like 'em)...and that the LGBT community at large is outraged with this invitation after Obama campaigned for presidency with promises of equal rights and ultimately that gender and sexual identity are matters of human rights, not religious speculation nor capitol directives nor any other faction of popular opinion. In defense, Obama says the invitation is an olive branch to never refuse discourse on questionable topics, but even more so saying that they don't have to agree on every detail to work together or even participate in a national event based on a percentile'd match on platform. I have the utmost respect for Obama on this view. He has the opinion of equality for the LGBT community, but much of America does not agree and he would still invite a conservative minister to bless his inauguration. It's smart because he's obviously appealing to heartland America and the ideals of this country, even if he doesn't fully agree...that's big for a man to say we don't even "mostly" agree, but we can shake hands and give best wishes and so forth. I think the real problem is the LGBT community blindly took Obama's beliefs as something that would over rule every other facet of his presidency...that gay marriage was more important than the economy...that a lesbian kiss on prime time should prioritize higher than the failing automotive industry....that a hate crime in the south should be headlined over the failing health insurance policies....I think it is ultimately too easy to hold your values over those of your neighbors or the greater good of those around us. Do I think gay marriage is important? Do I feel that the love I feel for a boyfriend is as valid as my brother's to his wife? Do I think the LGBT community is misunderstood and miscalculated at large? Does my daily confrontation with the real world conflict constantly as a gay man? YES! My caveat is that just as being gay is only part of my life, it is also only part of the rest of the worlds' life. Even if Obama was a gay man himself, he could not and, respectably, would not, only converse with people in favor of the LGBT community (hello, ethnic cleansing, slavery, my in-laws!). The same arguments used in support of LGBT's can be used against them on many levels. He said he supports you, and has showed this many times, not every time, but many. Be thankful.

Cell-Mate

All of the best made plans completely unfurled. A massive disconnect in language and culture in the midst of possibly the worst news possible on the other side of the planet away from all of my friends and family a head above the rest. Primal. Survival. All under a shroud of secrecy and vagueness. Is this really me? Can I handle the truth? Confirmation. Twice. Thrice. The shred of possibility the size of a grain of sand is now luminous and volatile and I will have to climb this Mt. Everest and live to tell about it. I hope to capture some amazing photographs along the way. It's not cold though. I hope I don't catch a cold. What happens when I catch a cold? It could turn into pneumonia. I could die. I am going to die. I am going to die, eventually. The blatant humility and humanity in the finality of the miracle of life is death's blessing. Here is a list of thousands of other deaths...seeeee? Smoking kills, but that's okay, right? Plus, some people make money off of it. I also don't drive with a seat-belt, drink too much, eat too much, work too much, think too much. Is this really me? Seriously? Seriously. It is serious. I am a Sirius person. A month later and I can write now. I first learned to speak. Before that I got on a merry-go-round like all of the kiddies: I'm lost, confused, sad, defiant, wishful, angry, nauseous, myself again, sarcastic, drunk, healthy, scared, upset, confident, honest, realistic, surprised, horny, positive+

CLAY = GAY ?!

PEOPLE: Yes, I'm gay

So he's finally come out. Any self-respecting gay man knew, if not suspicious. I'm very ambivalent towards his situation. I know what it means to be in the closet and cannot really imagine the added stress of public scrutiny at large. I digress my support, though, in how vehemently he denied any/all gay rumors. It's one thing to be in the closet and avoid questioning; it's another thing to flat out deny and act offended that the question exists. I do understand that he was uncomfortable and did not know how to handle the situation. Furthermore, anyone who has ever denied their identity has most certainly lied. I feel that because his story is very much the macrocosm of coming out, it is easy to dissect his interviews. I also feel that it is important to look where he is know in his life and his approach for the future. He certainly came out for the right reason: his newborn son. While we can bicker about couldas and shouldas, we can't change the past. We may not agree with his history, but we can agree that he has a much better, definitely healthier approach to his life. Ultimately, I am happy for him and I am glad that he has accepted, publicly, his life in the hopes of a better life for his spawn. His career and his personal life to date, although impacted by being in the closet, is/was not enough to come out. It is clear that this isn't a move to sell more records. It is a personal choice that *NO ONE* can fully understand, so we much attempt to understand it the best we can. The best I can understand is having a child puts life in a new perspective.

!=

It is quite apparent that gays and lesbians are not considered equal, often with the defiant caveat that "we were all created equal," but somehow homosexuality has polluted the waters of equality. I hear bitchn' all the time caught in a rip tide of helplessness and exasperation. With the impending presidential election, candidates are perhaps under the greatest scrutiny ever for leading the face of a democratic free world. Anyone who is up on their history knows that homosexuality has been around forever; anyone who is up on their biology and ecology knows that humans are not the only species that can be homosexual. Aside from all of the tired arguments of genetics (I was fucking born with it.), In true American form, we want to have the instant gratification of rectifying the great injustice of prejudice...but other minorities (women, Jews, blacks, and so forth) are still working through it. It cannot happen over night. Accept that. In the mean time, I think it is really important that as a community (LGBT as a whole, really) we do need to put up a unified front. Remember, "United we stand; divided we fall." ???? Let us learn from our past. As a whole, the human race has so much potential. It actually sickens me that as far as we have come with technology to bring our world together, the disconnect still exists if you put two different people in a room together. I truly believe in the possibility of world peace, but not in a idealistic, pure utopian way. I see the real problem with achieving equal rights for homosexuals (if we can't do all LGBT at once, then baby steps are better than nothing) is that we gays cannot agree on what it means to be gay in our culture. The discord pits gay subcultures against each other: the Stepfords, the club kids, the closeted men, etc. Everyone examining the gay subculture sees something totally different. How many times in coming out has the surprised rung out, "Oh! I didn't think you were because X. Y. & Z." It is great to gain acceptance, and I do not mean to undermine these small steps, but if we can't show that the only difference is an attraction to members of same sex than opposite, how can we ever establish equality? Lead by example. Please show that homosexuality is not just seedy clubs and crystal meth. I do party and I have had my fair share of deviant acts that would cause my parents immediate and irreparable harm mentally and physically, but I also strive to demonstrate to them, and everyone, that liking men is no different than liking cheese.

How do you know the end?

How do you know when it's the end? Lights on at the club, casket carried to the grave, termination papers served, I thought endings were easy to identify. Friendship is harder. People grow up; people grow apart. One of my best friends for last 6 years and I are currently not speaking. Without belaboring the details, I'll try to hit key points. We took trip together and visited some of his family. He was humiliated by my actions and barely spoke to me during trip. Instead of trying to deal with it then, I chose to wait til after trip to deal in an attempt to minimize negativity while on trip. I really didn't want a full blowout thousands of miles from home. After home, he said he couldn't talk to me about it and needed more time/space. So going on a month now I have given just that. It feels weird not talking for so long when we would talk everyday if not every other day. But over this time I've also had time to reconsider our friendship. It is weird because I don't really feel all that sad...just upset that we never got to talk about it...never really made an attempt to understand each other's feelings. I've lost touch with friends before, even best ones, but never amidst a fight (well if you can say that a mutual decision to not talk a fight...not much action). With this much time gone past, I'm not sure if I ever will hear anything from him. I guess that's okay. I can't sit and wait. My life has already gone on, but I had hoped his friendship would be still be part of it. I'm happy and thankful for all good and bad times. I know I learned a lot, but also know that nothing lasts forever. So here is goodbye....

The days of my life...

...in a car running down trolls. I'm fucked up and getting fucked. That's the way my cookie crumbles. Homemade my grandmother's recipe...I may get carpel tunnel...or just tunnel deep and dark. Chunnel my way b/t metropoli, Greek slaves naked and fighting. My place is no ring, but bitch can fuck you up. I'm country...squirrely in fact...fermented pumpkin holed up with MAC in the tree...surprised? You don't even know me...say my name, bitch...say it right? You gotta bring better game if u want the title let alone flash ur nipple at the Super Bowl. You don't see my fire crotch blazing blogs and rags...not like u haven't seen it before. I've heard it all before...the record is broken, screeching ur banshee ass too long into the night. Bob White sells my coke all through the night...whooper-will...yes I will. Conviction without being convicted I walk that line. It's the edge...sharp and dangerous, but subtle in choice I drop my blade in the bush.

Life as we know it...

If anyone actually still reads all this shit (as if...) just dropping a line to say, "Hi! I'm alive, and the world is fucked up!" Right? I have many upon many grievances with the world and how as a human race live our lives. The disparity between who we want to be, the ideals we value, and the pretty face painted outward in day-to-day mundane activities is a far cry from the truth and who *WE* actually are. The life I know now is not the life I want. It's time for change. It's time to stand up and represent. As one hot bitch says, "Quiet down now; I need to make a sound!!!" FUCK ALL.

There is no one right way for people to live.

The revolution won't take place all at once.
It will be achieved incrementally, by people working off each other's ideas.
It will be led by no one.
It will not be the initiative of any political, governmental, or religious body.
It has no targeted end point.
It will proceed according to no plan.
It will reward those who further the revolution with the coin of the revolution.

Alone...

Please don't come near
my heart is breaking
It is a place I need to be
alone...
Do not worry, do not fret
I will come back to you
But for now, this place
is for me alone.

Reflection...

Reflect upon the choice
-Accept yourself...
As I accept you in life
for I am grateful,
you exist...in here & now,
& forever in my thoughts
forever in my heart.

Lost and Found

You wake up one day and look in the mirror. You are a visitor in your own face. Perceptions reflect reality and the rays of light radiate. You trip and fall losing all sense of sense blinded by the light. Really, what does make sense? I know I have 5, all of which register the pain and suffering of falling. Scrapes and bruises inside and out. That's what I see in the mirror. It is an all out war. Luckily I've come out fighting. In the darkest, deepest days you can have light if you remember to turn it on. Switch. No one said life was easy. No one said life was fair. In fact, as much as one may not say about life, there is much to be said. Contradiction. Change. Cheese. Now take one step forward, even if it means taking two steps back. Go back to before you thought you knew. What do you really know? Who do you really know?

MUSE

You have probably noticed some sketches/ paintings of angels recently. These are a series given to me as a gift by a close friend. She has rediscovered her art because of my adamant persuasions. Well I can't say I did it single-handedly, but I know my encouragement has been a major factor. How? you ask...because she has outright told me that I am her muse. For whatever reason, who I am and/or my life has struck a chord in her. I know that even without me she would have started pursuing her true love again, but equally, I enjoy creative feedback on my projects from her. People without an eye for art simply like or dislike, but it is difficult to hold an intelligent conversation when your audience does not have any practical knowledge of art or little appreciation for art. Well I am honored and flattered to be the source of inspiration for someone else. I hope you are enjoying her angels as much as I am...excuse me while I go be a source of inspiration and a guiding genius...

untitled

There is no point in being subtle...
I can not reach you in no other way...
My way to you is
Vibrant + In Color

I know no other way...

Forgive me my flood of emotion
For it is all I give you
It is all of me

STR8-ACTING

There is a breed of gay men known as "straight-acting." Many argue, and I tend to agree,that "straight-acting" is just that: acting...pretending someone you're not...keeping all of your gay signifiers in the closet...pretending to be butch or masculine (at least more so than you maybe naturally are). I must admit though that there is something attractive about a straight, gay man. I don't think that it is a desire to have someone who doesn't let their homosexuality dictate every facet of their life. I think there are men out there that act more stereotypically "straight" than "gay." I think that as men are in transitioning to living a gay lifestyle and come out of the closet they are comfortable first with gay men who appear otherwise straight so as not to out themselves as far as quick. I don't think that "straight-acting" gay men are self-labeled. I am pretty sure that gay men have created the "straight-acting" box as a meme to the hetero's "metrosexual" box...a sort of half-way house to label the mannerisms and thoughts of those not apparently swinging in either direction. I only find it interesting because of the number of gay men and straight women that think I'm straight acting...against the equal number of gay men and straight men that think I'm metrosexual...guess it just goes to show you how far a label will wear...Right now I can only surmise that my attraction for "straight-acting" is the sense of illusion and the inherent mystery. I like to go out with a guy and it not be obvious that it's a date *or* that we are close friend from college going for a drink to catch up on life. I have always taken pride in being true to myself, but lately my straight friends have noted that I am more gay around my gay friends and more straight around my straight friends and my family in general. Body crisis. Am I really adjusting my behavior and attitude chameleon-like as a way to fit in better? No one has ever said though that I wasn't being myself. I'm leaning towards a conclusion that I have many, many facets to my life and one person will only ever see part of the real me. Take the cave allegory. I am me, casting shadows to all of you such that you only will ever see a shape of who I am. You may see many parts of once, but until I let you on the other side of the fire with me and breathe the fresh air...I remain the dark side of the moon...

TOUCH

A brush of fingertips
To ease my heavy heart touch...

A subtle heat
To warm and sooth touch...

Stay, lean on me...

Let me, let my skin
Draw from your energy touch...

Quietly, I relax
Quietly I stay
My heartbeat has calmed.

the gay stigma

I don't have any direct links, but you know by now that a staph infection typically confined to hospital patients has escaped into the gay community and wrecking all kinds of havoc...especially in Boston and San Francisco. In reading blogs (proclaimed gay, proclaimed straight, or just unproclaimed) the consensus is that the gay men are at greatest risk for catching the bacterial infection that will make you go blind, grow hair on the palms of your hands, and wish you had fucked a vagina instead. On one side I'm hearing a resounding rebuttal that it is the 80's AIDS crisis all over again, blaming gay men for all the world's problems (note: it may have gained a notoriety in the 80's, but it's still a crisis...it never left). Other side simply acknowledges that infection rates and other statistics indicate that (at least part of) the gay community scientifically does have higher infection rates, and debatably high-risk behaviors that would foster a pandemic. Again I find myself in a grey area. Yes, if you look at patients being treated for the satanical staph strain, a lot of them are sexually active gay men. Herein lies my qualms. In college I had an intro sociology course SOCI-201 of some sort that was painfully straight-forward, but the professor always found a way to pinpoint relevant and contemporary applications/examples. I now forget technical name, although I know I aced that exam, but you have to be careful in how you interpret data. Her example involved drug use. Interview a random sample of narcotic junkies and the vast majority will admit to having smoked pot, and often it was the first drug they used to get high. Based on this information the only *logical* explanation is that weed is a gateway drug into predestined drug addictions. One toke on good ol' Puff and within months you'll have lost 50lbs selling your ass for a rock. Allow me to stop right here with the full story. Now go interview a random sample of people who have smoked up in their lives. If yes, then you ask what other drugs they have used. The vast majority will not answer heroine, cocaine, crystal meth, GHB, or probably even K. I suppose having actually references would help this argument now, but think about it. How many people do you know have every smoked weed v. how many have detrimental drug dependencies? So back to our incubating, 21st C. apocalypse. To indicate a baseline statistic on gay men v. everyone else and rates of infection is one thing. Stating or even suggestions that based on sexual orientation alone you are at more or less risk is complete and utter bullshit. As the NRA says, "It's not guns that kill people; People kill people." Sexual behaviors would put you at more/less risk. I guess what really upsets me most is that so many people fail to recognize this logic. Especially in the gay community, I find it disconcerting that one could so easily dismiss a serious health concern (for yourself, your friends, your family, for anyone) because you felt it was a personal attack on your sexual identity. I understand being defensive as a minority, but if you succumb to these lewd, outlandish generalizations and can only rant and rave in reactionary manners, then you are keeping the stereotypes and prejudices alive. Being gay doesn't give you AIDS. Being gay doesn't give you Satan Secret Staph #69. Being gay also doesn't give you an excuse not to educate yourself, recognize the currents events of the world, and act as an intelligent and integral human being. Don't bitch and moan about being a scapegoat. If it bothers you that much, then do something to change it.

Riding the roller coaster...

So inevitably after seeing things get better something to the contrary happens. It's a huge philosophical thorn. How do you explain the evil in the world? Is it the original sin? Is there no god and we're just living Darwinistic? Is it a balance that tilts between good and bad? All I can say for sure is that there is a lot of unnecessary negativity in the world. So you tripped and face-planted in a mud puddle right before the biggest meeting of your career...is it THAT big of a deal? No, I didn't, but this post is just a quick note to self: think and act on what really matters.