STEPS FIVE, SIX, & SEVEN

My spirit leads me on this journey inward to a new landscape. Through my transformation I explore these ringed layers of life, glimpsing into the core of my higher power as though it were the trunk of a tree: utopia. There, the TIMELESS NOW beams light of SERENITY and BALANCE to the far corners of my being. My heart beats ripples of SELF REFLECTION.

My spiritual growth continues its evolution by way of HONESTY and ACCEPTANCE. Working these steps daily, a renewed sense of wellbeing fills me with joy and peace previously unknown. I now see the magnitude of the PERSPECTIVE I am gaining—the possible worlds within reach, the opportunities for growth, the availability of love and boundless hope.

By aligning with my higher power I tune into the true nature of my being. The clarity and strength of my character improves as though a fog of FEARS and DOUBTS lift away into evaporated history. I am learning to be CONTENT with the SIMPLICITY of this view for it holds the keys of UNDERSTANDING the way.

STEP FOUR

I now enquire into the TRUE NATURE of my being. This inventory is a fact-finding mission both honest and extensive. I do not use my temporal eyes for they see but the fleeting moments passing in the physical world. My five senses act as make-up that create a mask that surfacely enhances my being. This disguise is not exact, so I use my THIRD EYE to transcend.

My mind’s-eye is in a cavern deep within my being capable of examining my life wholly. It is a BALANCED view, seeing all aspects from favorable to less-desirable. My INTENTIONS lead me to focus on developing SPRITUALLY by transforming the unhealthy behavior PATTERNS into positive attributes of the character of my being. Naturally, I am a HUMAN being, NOT PERFECT being and will always have a shadow that eludes the radiant light. As long as I am mindful the shadow cannot control me.

As my CONSCIOUSNESS becomes AWARE of this profound knowledge, I feel my skin as though it were the branches from the TREE OF LIFE extending out from the very depths of my being, muscles flexing as leaves rustle in the wind. As my RECOVERY progresses I feel closer to my HIGHER POWER evermore.

STEP THREE

My body is my frame, the vehicle for my LIFE. It is strong and masculine. I am a man.

Up ahead are my future windows of OPPORTUNITY. I am no longer tied to specific outcomes and remain flexible with the options present IN THE NOW. The future uncertain, I choose to be open-minded and accepting. Looking ahead, my rear-view reminds me of my ADDICTION. The past reminder of my journey is in my present view. The TREE OF LIFE in fresh, rainbow is the complimentary touchstone to my serenity, my HIGHER POWER.

My journey down the road of RECOVERY, on to STEP THREE, I surrender my being to the universe. I have some tools to gauge my recovery on the dashboard: SERENITY is my fuel. If I am full of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness I can travel far in my recovery. I can also check my STEPS-PER-YEAR to see how fast I’m going. And, of course, my MEETINGS-PER-WEEK gauges how I’m moving through the steps each year. My tracking is complete with my SOBER DAYS.

My recovery dashboard also provides several indicator lights, warning of a RELAPSE. The TRIGGERS are also the things that I can surrender and turn back over to the UNIVERSE. Those things beyond my control and out-of-bounds for the ego light up, then I know to let it go. At any time, I can stop for a trigger and my being stops recovery.

STEP TWO

From the ROOTS of my heritage a solid foundation of my being took hold, sprawling far and wide in support. After a geographical move, I sprung forth, breaking out of the ground. Each passing year, a new trunk ring, unfurling leaves of SUCCESS. Growth and maturation create branches reaching further. The tree of my being grows evermore deep down into the COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS and upward to a HIGHER STATE OF BEING – INFINITY.

Burning bright, graduating with honors twice, my education provides the energy required for the EVOLUTION OF MY BEING. As all things do, seasons of CHANGE brought twilight. The darkness of my addiction casts long shadows on my being; the sun sets. However, there is beauty in the fall for an end is also a new beginning – INFINITY.

And as my tree of life grows, so does that of the UNIVERSE. All of the subatomic particles have amassed in an array beyond compare. Attuning my being to the UNIVERSAL TREE OF LIFE, my physical, mental, and spiritual health take their rightful, honest location. Living in the NOW, wholly acknowledging how the piece of my being fits into the proverbial puzzle, is the very essence of SERENITY and PEACE. Accepting this SPIRITUAL TRUTH, I do recover.

STEP ONE

Here is the dilemma. I am shackled to my vice: VODKA. I am POWERLESS, a slave. On top of the mountainous ADDICTION of top shelf bottles are diamonds. USE is POWERFUL, GLAMOROUS, PRESTIGIOUS, SEXY at the surface level. I covet my DRUG of choice and spend top dollar to get HIGH.

Invoking Atlas, I stand at the edge of the world all alone with the burden of my UNMANGEABLE life. This raging maelstrom of EMPLOYMENT, FINANCES, HEALTH PROBLEMS wages war on my LIFE. It is only a matter of TIME until I buckle, falling into a DEATH crevasse not to return.

Under the barrage of stimuli, I can no longer THINK or ACT because I am UNDER THE INFLUENCE. My mood fluctuating rapidly CRANKY, SAD, STRESSED, CALM, ALERT, HAPPY. My SPIRIT, the cat, takes a nap. Brooklyn to China, I cannot ESCAPE. Only a 911 life line can divert CRISIS.

STEP ZERO

I am driving a car through LIFE. This vehicle created a MASK, both POWERFUL and UNIQUE. It protects my SOUL. My windows filter the BELIEFS through which I see my world…some tinted, some rosey.

As I drive, I follow the ups and downs, twists and turns. To my left, the tree of life: HEALTH, FAMILY, FRIENDS, SPIRITUALITY. It is the color of MONEY, nourished by my CAREER through various JOBS. To my right, boulders fallen: those who lost to ADDICTION. This path I follow guide lines of DENIAL, MANIPULATION, PRIDE that keep me in route to USE, DISILLUSIONS, IGNORANCE.

In the distance a mountain range looms under dusk. My ADDICTION is massive and treacherous. Peaks of PAIN, SUFFERING, DEPRESSION, pitted with INSANITY, ANXIETY, INSOMNIA, are just the tips of my DISEASE. Up there, I am ALONE and HELPLESS. I consider SUICIDE to escape the DEPENDENCE on such a desolate environment.

As the brake lights flash and I round yet another bender, I see the sign: DEATH. Beware of the grim reaper’s future. Light beams of RECOVERY and SOBRIETY illuminate this landscape. As night falls and I can barely see, AA and IOP lead my EDUCATION. I don’t have to follow this path; I now choose ABSTINENCE to make my new STYLE.

Favorites

1. color to wear: green
2. pet: cat
3. flower: tiger lily
4. number: 69
5. smell: Chanel Allure Homme Sport
6. taste: mint
7. hobby: art
8. city: NYC
9. food: cheese
10. drink: used to be vodka martini, now espresso
11. book: The Lord of the Rings
12. author: Ayn Rand
13. magazine: WAD
14. music: dance/electronic
15. artist: M.I.A.
16. clothing: hoodies
17. time of day: midnight
18. saying: "Style is how you live your whole life."

Cosmic Changes

It is truly amazing where life can take you--where you take your life, rather. My world has been turned upside down and inside out, but with all of this change I am learning more about myself and how I fit into this existence. I am returning to blogging as a way to enact my intentions and a return to journaling. Somehow, if I put it out here it is more real than sitting in a book on my shelf. It also helps me include artwork and be otherwise creative.

To best set the tone for future entries, I should highlight some of what has brought me here. I suffered greatly during the economic fall out, and still haven't recovered. I took a job in China about 20 months ago, but was deported. With pennies to my name I had to move back in with my parents. Fortunately, I was still able to collect unemployment, but I used that money to party through last summer when all those resources were tapped. I've been through a hodgepodge of jobs since this past fall, but the party continued along with the deterioration of my mental, physical, and spiritual health. On May 5th I dialed 911 while severely intoxicated and contemplating suicide to end all of the madness. After a short stint in the ER (that's another story), I was involuntarily committed to a detox and psych ward for 7 days. Though, I would have gone anyway...that's why I dialed the life line and asked for help! My aftercare includes an IOP for drug/alcohol counseling, AA/NA meetings, a psychiatrist, two counselors, and so forth. I am happy to say that I have been clean and sober for 52 days. Stopping drinking and not picking up has been the surprisingly easy part; the personal growth and facing life has been the hard part. This blog will be a lot of exploration and contemplation of my self filled with musing, discoveries, artwork, and everything else fabulous along the way.

And, as my dad once told me, "You have a choice in the type of man you want to be."

Supersize Me

SO much emotion and no outlets...don't know how to feel...don't know what to think...don't know what to do...I'm lost it seems, without a map and certainly no service station. I'm mad at myself. A very raw anger. At first I want to kill myself, but then it seems a long and slow torture is more apt. Not really...I'm happy to be alive, so then why so hurt? I can't pin-point it. I'm disappointed, angry, sad, vengeful, and it goes on and on...just like the beat...on and on....so, I know that's what I must do, obviously. I had a dream to this effect: it was MC ESCHER's stairs, but escalators instead...on a trip to no where. It did not matter how I went, I was always going up to down, but never with a long term goal. It doesn't seem all that prophetic until the key detail: it was all in the basement of the student center of my Uni. Ever since school I've had lots of ups and downs, but haven't really gotten anywhere. I'm sure that's up for debate, but I do feel like I'm back at square one. Force of habit has me job hunting and going down all of the same routes, but I'm not convinced that's best for me. Bottom line, though, is that I'm good at what I do already, and there are bills to be paid...so, either that or...would you like fries with that? In the mean time, check out my beloved Sherry Vine: SUPERSIZER: Britney Spears Womanizer Parody

Warren's Gay War

So we all know that Rick Warren has been asked to give prayer at Obama's inauguration...and that Warren does not have a stellar track record with the LGBT community (in fact an overwhelming negative record...he doesn't like 'em)...and that the LGBT community at large is outraged with this invitation after Obama campaigned for presidency with promises of equal rights and ultimately that gender and sexual identity are matters of human rights, not religious speculation nor capitol directives nor any other faction of popular opinion. In defense, Obama says the invitation is an olive branch to never refuse discourse on questionable topics, but even more so saying that they don't have to agree on every detail to work together or even participate in a national event based on a percentile'd match on platform. I have the utmost respect for Obama on this view. He has the opinion of equality for the LGBT community, but much of America does not agree and he would still invite a conservative minister to bless his inauguration. It's smart because he's obviously appealing to heartland America and the ideals of this country, even if he doesn't fully agree...that's big for a man to say we don't even "mostly" agree, but we can shake hands and give best wishes and so forth. I think the real problem is the LGBT community blindly took Obama's beliefs as something that would over rule every other facet of his presidency...that gay marriage was more important than the economy...that a lesbian kiss on prime time should prioritize higher than the failing automotive industry....that a hate crime in the south should be headlined over the failing health insurance policies....I think it is ultimately too easy to hold your values over those of your neighbors or the greater good of those around us. Do I think gay marriage is important? Do I feel that the love I feel for a boyfriend is as valid as my brother's to his wife? Do I think the LGBT community is misunderstood and miscalculated at large? Does my daily confrontation with the real world conflict constantly as a gay man? YES! My caveat is that just as being gay is only part of my life, it is also only part of the rest of the worlds' life. Even if Obama was a gay man himself, he could not and, respectably, would not, only converse with people in favor of the LGBT community (hello, ethnic cleansing, slavery, my in-laws!). The same arguments used in support of LGBT's can be used against them on many levels. He said he supports you, and has showed this many times, not every time, but many. Be thankful.

Cell-Mate

All of the best made plans completely unfurled. A massive disconnect in language and culture in the midst of possibly the worst news possible on the other side of the planet away from all of my friends and family a head above the rest. Primal. Survival. All under a shroud of secrecy and vagueness. Is this really me? Can I handle the truth? Confirmation. Twice. Thrice. The shred of possibility the size of a grain of sand is now luminous and volatile and I will have to climb this Mt. Everest and live to tell about it. I hope to capture some amazing photographs along the way. It's not cold though. I hope I don't catch a cold. What happens when I catch a cold? It could turn into pneumonia. I could die. I am going to die. I am going to die, eventually. The blatant humility and humanity in the finality of the miracle of life is death's blessing. Here is a list of thousands of other deaths...seeeee? Smoking kills, but that's okay, right? Plus, some people make money off of it. I also don't drive with a seat-belt, drink too much, eat too much, work too much, think too much. Is this really me? Seriously? Seriously. It is serious. I am a Sirius person. A month later and I can write now. I first learned to speak. Before that I got on a merry-go-round like all of the kiddies: I'm lost, confused, sad, defiant, wishful, angry, nauseous, myself again, sarcastic, drunk, healthy, scared, upset, confident, honest, realistic, surprised, horny, positive+

.sirfukdupalot.

.sirfukdupalot.
!sirfukdupalot.
:sirfukdupalot.
"sirfukdupalot.

when crazy met bitch 2

crack my right ankle 3 times before going to bed while falling asleep, and 3 times before I'll get out of bed...i must...

When crazy met bitch...

Everybody has little oddities: slang, mannerisms, beliefs, and so forth. I don't remember when I started to notice mine, but one that strikes me particularly odd is when I have to make a simple, mundane decision: do I drink water or juice? smoke a cigarette or make another drink? chicken or beef? It doesn't really matter what the answer is, but sometimes I find it hard to just pick one...because it doesn't really matter. I have turned to beauty products (shampoo, lotion, toothpaste, etc) for the answers. I remember starting very young...probably 8 or 9 years-old. So to find the answer, I pick up a bottle/tube and look at the ingredient section. Including the header of "ingredients" I start to count the number of times the letter "e" appears. Before I start counting, though, I decide that an odd quantity is option 1 (chicken) and an even quantity is option 2 (beef).........sometimes this step is more complex, such as "chicken" has an odd number of letters so it would be chosen if "e" shows up an odd number of times and "beef" has an even number of letters so it would be chosen if "e" shows up an even number of times. Thus, I count away, sometimes recounting 3 times to make sure it's right, then I go on with my day. CRAZY!

How do you know the end?

How do you know when it's the end? Lights on at the club, casket carried to the grave, termination papers served, I thought endings were easy to identify. Friendship is harder. People grow up; people grow apart. One of my best friends for last 6 years and I are currently not speaking. Without belaboring the details, I'll try to hit key points. We took trip together and visited some of his family. He was humiliated by my actions and barely spoke to me during trip. Instead of trying to deal with it then, I chose to wait til after trip to deal in an attempt to minimize negativity while on trip. I really didn't want a full blowout thousands of miles from home. After home, he said he couldn't talk to me about it and needed more time/space. So going on a month now I have given just that. It feels weird not talking for so long when we would talk everyday if not every other day. But over this time I've also had time to reconsider our friendship. It is weird because I don't really feel all that sad...just upset that we never got to talk about it...never really made an attempt to understand each other's feelings. I've lost touch with friends before, even best ones, but never amidst a fight (well if you can say that a mutual decision to not talk a fight...not much action). With this much time gone past, I'm not sure if I ever will hear anything from him. I guess that's okay. I can't sit and wait. My life has already gone on, but I had hoped his friendship would be still be part of it. I'm happy and thankful for all good and bad times. I know I learned a lot, but also know that nothing lasts forever. So here is goodbye....

Alone...

Please don't come near
my heart is breaking
It is a place I need to be
alone...
Do not worry, do not fret
I will come back to you
But for now, this place
is for me alone.

Reflection...

Reflect upon the choice
-Accept yourself...
As I accept you in life
for I am grateful,
you exist...in here & now,
& forever in my thoughts
forever in my heart.

Salaryman

It started as a joke about my volatile working conditions and the amount of work I was doing compared to my peers, yet I still managed to get the short straw: "Salaryman does your work while you're at the water cooler." I wear him (me) on a chain around my neck to keep it real. No joke. I will do your work for you, right Titicaca?

Bad Dreams

I'm in a cab with 4 other people plus the driver...all friends. We are on a long cab ride down an interstate from like Florida to NYC. The cab driver keeps getting pulled over for speeding. Part way through our trip we stop at hotel. We go to a Rite Aide. All I remember about the hotel room was the shower. It was a large white room with a glass door and several overhead spouts. I take a shower after everyone else has gone to bed. In morning I walk down the street into a really complex parking lot following signs for C. After seeing long lines for the one entrance, we found out that we could go to a different area to meet my brother. It seemed to be for some kind of outdoor festival. It was a beachy parking lot and extended as far as I could see. By the time we got to him it was time to go as it was getting dark. There were hordes of people leaving I got in a SUV with 3 other people and I remember we had to leave someone behind. I knew these people, but didn't actually know them. So we are finding way out of the crazy parking lot and a truck is coming at us in a 1 lane road the wrong way. The lady driving SUV I'm in is maybe 50's but grey she freaks out and starts twisting the wheel back and forth rapidly. She won't slow down and the truck isn't either, so just before we crash head-on she swerves right rapidly and goes up over a sort of planter about 2ft high and framed out with wood filled will small shrubs. Obviously SUV makes it over eventually but it is really rough. As soon as we are over it all the wheels fall off, doors fall off and we have to jump out. When I look back the SUV is just a frame and oil/gas spilling out everywhere tires rolled off to side still. So I walk away as they freak out and try to find my parents again so I can leave. Meanwhile I'm freaking cause I lost my camera and can't find it. I walk a long time in parking lot again and finally find my parents. We call hotel and they are checking if I lost my camera there. I get in the back seat and my dad starts to tell me what a huge failure I am. He says he can't depend on me and I've just fucked my life up beyond repair. I am crying and my mum just stays out of it. We have to circle through a lot of parking lot still to get out. We cross the bridge that only 1 of the 4 lanes is completed. Not all of pylons are done either. I think they may be making a 2nd story to the bridge. We drive really fast and there are cones to keep us in our lane. We are headed to open beach. Someone is parked right in our path and when we go to go right to get around there are a bunch of police blocking the way. 2 sports cars race around either side of us in front and slam on brakes. We do too to keep from pushing them into police barricade. Finally we get around and I get my little dog out waiting to walk up onto the beach. I'm told I can't stand there for a minute longer with him or I'll be arrested...and I have to pick him up and carry him. He is a puppy and wiggling a lot so I have a hard time picking him up. I get lots of compliments on the dog. So I walk out to the last dune and stand overlooking the beach. There is a helicopter rescue in place. The man that was drowning is close enough to shore I can't figure out why a life guard didn't just swim out. He is hanging onto the string and being brought up into the helicopter. He's not in a basket or anything. About 50ft up he drops suddenly into the water like the wench gave out because the string went down with him. The helicopter keeps trying to pick him up for like 10 minutes but keeps dropping him. It is like dumping him. Then the helicopter crashes into the water a few hundred feet away from the shore. I can see two people swimming away from it. The first guy is still struggling. It looks like as helicopter sinks it will pull him further out and under water. The helicopter doesn't sink though and the blade is still spinning just under the surface of the water. I wake up.

Piercings

I have my tongue pierced, my left ear twice, my right ear twice (in an orbital), and both nipples. I am currently contemplating a nose ring, but haven't decided if it will look bad ass a la Lenny Kravitz or goober a la Carson Daly. I did find an amusing article about nipple rings. It raises a flag for me because I had to take out all of my jewelry before surgery last year, and although wasn't painful, was a bit difficult to maneuver. It is easier to have a piercer do it for you...think about it: you don't take jewelry in/out every day like they do. Another flag goes up because I'm traveling overseas soon and know what a pain it would be to have to take them out. I, too, would have to use pliers. I can already hear my mum, "Then you shouldn't get any piercings!" Thanks, mum. I still want that tattoo of a heart on my bicep that says, "I love MOM."