1. color to wear: green
2. pet: cat
3. flower: tiger lily
4. number: 69
5. smell: Chanel Allure Homme Sport
6. taste: mint
7. hobby: art
8. city: NYC
9. food: cheese
10. drink: used to be vodka martini, now espresso
11. book: The Lord of the Rings
12. author: Ayn Rand
13. magazine: WAD
14. music: dance/electronic
15. artist: M.I.A.
16. clothing: hoodies
17. time of day: midnight
18. saying: "Style is how you live your whole life."
It is truly amazing where life can take you--where you take your life, rather. My world has been turned upside down and inside out, but with all of this change I am learning more about myself and how I fit into this existence. I am returning to blogging as a way to enact my intentions and a return to journaling. Somehow, if I put it out here it is more real than sitting in a book on my shelf. It also helps me include artwork and be otherwise creative.
To best set the tone for future entries, I should highlight some of what has brought me here. I suffered greatly during the economic fall out, and still haven't recovered. I took a job in China about 20 months ago, but was deported. With pennies to my name I had to move back in with my parents. Fortunately, I was still able to collect unemployment, but I used that money to party through last summer when all those resources were tapped. I've been through a hodgepodge of jobs since this past fall, but the party continued along with the deterioration of my mental, physical, and spiritual health. On May 5th I dialed 911 while severely intoxicated and contemplating suicide to end all of the madness. After a short stint in the ER (that's another story), I was involuntarily committed to a detox and psych ward for 7 days. Though, I would have gone anyway...that's why I dialed the life line and asked for help! My aftercare includes an IOP for drug/alcohol counseling, AA/NA meetings, a psychiatrist, two counselors, and so forth. I am happy to say that I have been clean and sober for 52 days. Stopping drinking and not picking up has been the surprisingly easy part; the personal growth and facing life has been the hard part. This blog will be a lot of exploration and contemplation of my self filled with musing, discoveries, artwork, and everything else fabulous along the way.
And, as my dad once told me, "You have a choice in the type of man you want to be."
The problem is I always think and act as though I'm like everyone else (talk about believing in what you feel)...when in fact the problem is not everyone thinks like me, so they're not the same as me...nobody thinks I could be like them...so can you treat them like you want to be treated...does the golden rule work if they define it differently? Can you really treat all people equally? Sometime you have to tell people what they want to hear versus what they need to hear...and what's really fair about either side of that? Where's the integrity in that flip flop scenario? And who has any jurisdiction to decide what someone else needs or wants to hear? And for that matter, who is an individual to know what they want or need to hear until it has already been said? Otherwise, wouldn't we just be a society of individuals disconnected from each other? Or, aren't we already selfish enough? Then again, I fall back on balance. Find the balance and you land safely in any decision with those around you...those nouns, verbs, and adjectives that define your life. Hence the question: What is the meaning of life? Who am I? What do I want? What do I need? What do I want to need? What is the real question here?
I think that creationism is the easy way out. It is a way to describe the phenomenon of life itself, without examining life itself. It is easy to say that there are a set of rules that were prescribed long ago. It is a dedication of tradition to follow these beliefs. Moreso, it is hard to question that everything you thought you knew may not be true. So take the hard road--the road less traveled if you will. The gift bestowed upon mankind is reason; use it. Does it make sense to accept doctrines carte blanche? I cannot believe so, especially when such doctrines have provided the most strife between us. It doesn't make sense that land should be ravaged and people devastated over whether or not Jesus' life dictates which doctrines we follow. But say if it did, what did he say, not in the context of his life, but now. A fine line, fissure even, spreads across humanity in the wake of this approach. Understanding and compassionate thinking remain key. Bring peace into your life. It is better for all of humankind.
SO much emotion and no outlets...don't know how to feel...don't know what to think...don't know what to do...I'm lost it seems, without a map and certainly no service station. I'm mad at myself. A very raw anger. At first I want to kill myself, but then it seems a long and slow torture is more apt. Not really...I'm happy to be alive, so then why so hurt? I can't pin-point it. I'm disappointed, angry, sad, vengeful, and it goes on and on...just like the beat...on and on....so, I know that's what I must do, obviously. I had a dream to this effect: it was MC ESCHER's stairs, but escalators instead...on a trip to no where. It did not matter how I went, I was always going up to down, but never with a long term goal. It doesn't seem all that prophetic until the key detail: it was all in the basement of the student center of my Uni. Ever since school I've had lots of ups and downs, but haven't really gotten anywhere. I'm sure that's up for debate, but I do feel like I'm back at square one. Force of habit has me job hunting and going down all of the same routes, but I'm not convinced that's best for me. Bottom line, though, is that I'm good at what I do already, and there are bills to be paid...so, either that or...would you like fries with that? In the mean time, check out my beloved Sherry Vine: SUPERSIZER: Britney Spears Womanizer Parody
So we all know that Rick Warren has been asked to give prayer at Obama's inauguration...and that Warren does not have a stellar track record with the LGBT community (in fact an overwhelming negative record...he doesn't like 'em)...and that the LGBT community at large is outraged with this invitation after Obama campaigned for presidency with promises of equal rights and ultimately that gender and sexual identity are matters of human rights, not religious speculation nor capitol directives nor any other faction of popular opinion. In defense, Obama says the invitation is an olive branch to never refuse discourse on questionable topics, but even more so saying that they don't have to agree on every detail to work together or even participate in a national event based on a percentile'd match on platform. I have the utmost respect for Obama on this view. He has the opinion of equality for the LGBT community, but much of America does not agree and he would still invite a conservative minister to bless his inauguration. It's smart because he's obviously appealing to heartland America and the ideals of this country, even if he doesn't fully agree...that's big for a man to say we don't even "mostly" agree, but we can shake hands and give best wishes and so forth. I think the real problem is the LGBT community blindly took Obama's beliefs as something that would over rule every other facet of his presidency...that gay marriage was more important than the economy...that a lesbian kiss on prime time should prioritize higher than the failing automotive industry....that a hate crime in the south should be headlined over the failing health insurance policies....I think it is ultimately too easy to hold your values over those of your neighbors or the greater good of those around us. Do I think gay marriage is important? Do I feel that the love I feel for a boyfriend is as valid as my brother's to his wife? Do I think the LGBT community is misunderstood and miscalculated at large? Does my daily confrontation with the real world conflict constantly as a gay man? YES! My caveat is that just as being gay is only part of my life, it is also only part of the rest of the worlds' life. Even if Obama was a gay man himself, he could not and, respectably, would not, only converse with people in favor of the LGBT community (hello, ethnic cleansing, slavery, my in-laws!). The same arguments used in support of LGBT's can be used against them on many levels. He said he supports you, and has showed this many times, not every time, but many. Be thankful.
All of the best made plans completely unfurled. A massive disconnect in language and culture in the midst of possibly the worst news possible on the other side of the planet away from all of my friends and family a head above the rest. Primal. Survival. All under a shroud of secrecy and vagueness. Is this really me? Can I handle the truth? Confirmation. Twice. Thrice. The shred of possibility the size of a grain of sand is now luminous and volatile and I will have to climb this Mt. Everest and live to tell about it. I hope to capture some amazing photographs along the way. It's not cold though. I hope I don't catch a cold. What happens when I catch a cold? It could turn into pneumonia. I could die. I am going to die. I am going to die, eventually. The blatant humility and humanity in the finality of the miracle of life is death's blessing. Here is a list of thousands of other deaths...seeeee? Smoking kills, but that's okay, right? Plus, some people make money off of it. I also don't drive with a seat-belt, drink too much, eat too much, work too much, think too much. Is this really me? Seriously? Seriously. It is serious. I am a Sirius person. A month later and I can write now. I first learned to speak. Before that I got on a merry-go-round like all of the kiddies: I'm lost, confused, sad, defiant, wishful, angry, nauseous, myself again, sarcastic, drunk, healthy, scared, upset, confident, honest, realistic, surprised, horny, positive+
You may be familiar with the drinking game "Fotch" but at the advent of a threesome some adaptations were made:
2=you [drink]
3=triple kiss
4=whore (you choose who you want to kiss)
5=kiss person on your left
6=dicks (you choose who you want to feel up)
7=hand out 7 "drink" counts
8=kiss person on your right
9=rhyme (e.g. I suck cock, when it's as hard as rock, and never watch the clock....each person adding a phrase)
10=category (e.g. lube brands, sexual positions, etc)
J=rule (e.g. Everytime I drink, you take off an article of clothing)
Q=question (e.q. When was your last hookup?)
K=dare
A=waterfall
I know what I like to talk about on here and thought it would be fun to compare that to a word cloud (above). Turns out, my perceptions match to the reality of this blog. If you are unfamiliar with these clouds, the size/scale of the world is relative to the frequency of use.
PEOPLE: Yes, I'm gay
So he's finally come out. Any self-respecting gay man knew, if not suspicious. I'm very ambivalent towards his situation. I know what it means to be in the closet and cannot really imagine the added stress of public scrutiny at large. I digress my support, though, in how vehemently he denied any/all gay rumors. It's one thing to be in the closet and avoid questioning; it's another thing to flat out deny and act offended that the question exists. I do understand that he was uncomfortable and did not know how to handle the situation. Furthermore, anyone who has ever denied their identity has most certainly lied. I feel that because his story is very much the macrocosm of coming out, it is easy to dissect his interviews. I also feel that it is important to look where he is know in his life and his approach for the future. He certainly came out for the right reason: his newborn son. While we can bicker about couldas and shouldas, we can't change the past. We may not agree with his history, but we can agree that he has a much better, definitely healthier approach to his life. Ultimately, I am happy for him and I am glad that he has accepted, publicly, his life in the hopes of a better life for his spawn. His career and his personal life to date, although impacted by being in the closet, is/was not enough to come out. It is clear that this isn't a move to sell more records. It is a personal choice that *NO ONE* can fully understand, so we much attempt to understand it the best we can. The best I can understand is having a child puts life in a new perspective.
It is quite apparent that gays and lesbians are not considered equal, often with the defiant caveat that "we were all created equal," but somehow homosexuality has polluted the waters of equality. I hear bitchn' all the time caught in a rip tide of helplessness and exasperation. With the impending presidential election, candidates are perhaps under the greatest scrutiny ever for leading the face of a democratic free world. Anyone who is up on their history knows that homosexuality has been around forever; anyone who is up on their biology and ecology knows that humans are not the only species that can be homosexual. Aside from all of the tired arguments of genetics (I was fucking born with it.), In true American form, we want to have the instant gratification of rectifying the great injustice of prejudice...but other minorities (women, Jews, blacks, and so forth) are still working through it. It cannot happen over night. Accept that. In the mean time, I think it is really important that as a community (LGBT as a whole, really) we do need to put up a unified front. Remember, "United we stand; divided we fall." ???? Let us learn from our past. As a whole, the human race has so much potential. It actually sickens me that as far as we have come with technology to bring our world together, the disconnect still exists if you put two different people in a room together. I truly believe in the possibility of world peace, but not in a idealistic, pure utopian way. I see the real problem with achieving equal rights for homosexuals (if we can't do all LGBT at once, then baby steps are better than nothing) is that we gays cannot agree on what it means to be gay in our culture. The discord pits gay subcultures against each other: the Stepfords, the club kids, the closeted men, etc. Everyone examining the gay subculture sees something totally different. How many times in coming out has the surprised rung out, "Oh! I didn't think you were because X. Y. & Z." It is great to gain acceptance, and I do not mean to undermine these small steps, but if we can't show that the only difference is an attraction to members of same sex than opposite, how can we ever establish equality? Lead by example. Please show that homosexuality is not just seedy clubs and crystal meth. I do party and I have had my fair share of deviant acts that would cause my parents immediate and irreparable harm mentally and physically, but I also strive to demonstrate to them, and everyone, that liking men is no different than liking cheese.
crack my right ankle 3 times before going to bed while falling asleep, and 3 times before I'll get out of bed...i must...
Everybody has little oddities: slang, mannerisms, beliefs, and so forth. I don't remember when I started to notice mine, but one that strikes me particularly odd is when I have to make a simple, mundane decision: do I drink water or juice? smoke a cigarette or make another drink? chicken or beef? It doesn't really matter what the answer is, but sometimes I find it hard to just pick one...because it doesn't really matter. I have turned to beauty products (shampoo, lotion, toothpaste, etc) for the answers. I remember starting very young...probably 8 or 9 years-old. So to find the answer, I pick up a bottle/tube and look at the ingredient section. Including the header of "ingredients" I start to count the number of times the letter "e" appears. Before I start counting, though, I decide that an odd quantity is option 1 (chicken) and an even quantity is option 2 (beef).........sometimes this step is more complex, such as "chicken" has an odd number of letters so it would be chosen if "e" shows up an odd number of times and "beef" has an even number of letters so it would be chosen if "e" shows up an even number of times. Thus, I count away, sometimes recounting 3 times to make sure it's right, then I go on with my day. CRAZY!
