PEACE

world peace

I am at peace.

Centered and grounded like a tree.

In Honor

This morning we lost a friend in recovery. I carry forward the lessons learned--his experience, strength, and hope. The humble, honest light of his spirit shines outward and inward.

PRICE LE$$

From a co-worker to a manager 3 levels up.

Close-Knit Friends

Some friendships take the work of a creative hand stitching the bonds together. I find myself closer to him everyday, but it's complicated. But what's not complicated in life. So, I look at the big picture: my life is brighter with him in it and it keeps me flexible. And warm this winter.

STEPS FIVE, SIX, & SEVEN

My spirit leads me on this journey inward to a new landscape. Through my transformation I explore these ringed layers of life, glimpsing into the core of my higher power as though it were the trunk of a tree: utopia. There, the TIMELESS NOW beams light of SERENITY and BALANCE to the far corners of my being. My heart beats ripples of SELF REFLECTION.

My spiritual growth continues its evolution by way of HONESTY and ACCEPTANCE. Working these steps daily, a renewed sense of wellbeing fills me with joy and peace previously unknown. I now see the magnitude of the PERSPECTIVE I am gaining—the possible worlds within reach, the opportunities for growth, the availability of love and boundless hope.

By aligning with my higher power I tune into the true nature of my being. The clarity and strength of my character improves as though a fog of FEARS and DOUBTS lift away into evaporated history. I am learning to be CONTENT with the SIMPLICITY of this view for it holds the keys of UNDERSTANDING the way.

STEP FOUR

I now enquire into the TRUE NATURE of my being. This inventory is a fact-finding mission both honest and extensive. I do not use my temporal eyes for they see but the fleeting moments passing in the physical world. My five senses act as make-up that create a mask that surfacely enhances my being. This disguise is not exact, so I use my THIRD EYE to transcend.

My mind’s-eye is in a cavern deep within my being capable of examining my life wholly. It is a BALANCED view, seeing all aspects from favorable to less-desirable. My INTENTIONS lead me to focus on developing SPRITUALLY by transforming the unhealthy behavior PATTERNS into positive attributes of the character of my being. Naturally, I am a HUMAN being, NOT PERFECT being and will always have a shadow that eludes the radiant light. As long as I am mindful the shadow cannot control me.

As my CONSCIOUSNESS becomes AWARE of this profound knowledge, I feel my skin as though it were the branches from the TREE OF LIFE extending out from the very depths of my being, muscles flexing as leaves rustle in the wind. As my RECOVERY progresses I feel closer to my HIGHER POWER evermore.

STEP THREE

My body is my frame, the vehicle for my LIFE. It is strong and masculine. I am a man.

Up ahead are my future windows of OPPORTUNITY. I am no longer tied to specific outcomes and remain flexible with the options present IN THE NOW. The future uncertain, I choose to be open-minded and accepting. Looking ahead, my rear-view reminds me of my ADDICTION. The past reminder of my journey is in my present view. The TREE OF LIFE in fresh, rainbow is the complimentary touchstone to my serenity, my HIGHER POWER.

My journey down the road of RECOVERY, on to STEP THREE, I surrender my being to the universe. I have some tools to gauge my recovery on the dashboard: SERENITY is my fuel. If I am full of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness I can travel far in my recovery. I can also check my STEPS-PER-YEAR to see how fast I’m going. And, of course, my MEETINGS-PER-WEEK gauges how I’m moving through the steps each year. My tracking is complete with my SOBER DAYS.

My recovery dashboard also provides several indicator lights, warning of a RELAPSE. The TRIGGERS are also the things that I can surrender and turn back over to the UNIVERSE. Those things beyond my control and out-of-bounds for the ego light up, then I know to let it go. At any time, I can stop for a trigger and my being stops recovery.

STEP TWO

From the ROOTS of my heritage a solid foundation of my being took hold, sprawling far and wide in support. After a geographical move, I sprung forth, breaking out of the ground. Each passing year, a new trunk ring, unfurling leaves of SUCCESS. Growth and maturation create branches reaching further. The tree of my being grows evermore deep down into the COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS and upward to a HIGHER STATE OF BEING – INFINITY.

Burning bright, graduating with honors twice, my education provides the energy required for the EVOLUTION OF MY BEING. As all things do, seasons of CHANGE brought twilight. The darkness of my addiction casts long shadows on my being; the sun sets. However, there is beauty in the fall for an end is also a new beginning – INFINITY.

And as my tree of life grows, so does that of the UNIVERSE. All of the subatomic particles have amassed in an array beyond compare. Attuning my being to the UNIVERSAL TREE OF LIFE, my physical, mental, and spiritual health take their rightful, honest location. Living in the NOW, wholly acknowledging how the piece of my being fits into the proverbial puzzle, is the very essence of SERENITY and PEACE. Accepting this SPIRITUAL TRUTH, I do recover.

A New Start. Again.

Here we go again with maybe writing this thing.

There is too much to catch up on. So much has happened. What I have is now: today. But don't worry, I'm still a crazy dreamer.

The concept has changed, but not the look or the layout. This page was always meant to be a look into my worldview so you my reader can see what I see. Here, let me show you. Let's just say that things got really BAD, but they are getting better. See my step work.

Stay tuned.

ARMS

Always quick to find a reason not to love...I lay down my arms and surrender...in your arms...

In your arms
a strong embrace
the comfort of home
quiet I rest

For this I long
to lay in peace
in the warmth of breath
from your heart

Whispers of our souls
sparks that ignite
I lose myself
becoming something new

Deeply raw
naturally divine
I belong
in your arms

STEP ONE

Here is the dilemma. I am shackled to my vice: VODKA. I am POWERLESS, a slave. On top of the mountainous ADDICTION of top shelf bottles are diamonds. USE is POWERFUL, GLAMOROUS, PRESTIGIOUS, SEXY at the surface level. I covet my DRUG of choice and spend top dollar to get HIGH.

Invoking Atlas, I stand at the edge of the world all alone with the burden of my UNMANGEABLE life. This raging maelstrom of EMPLOYMENT, FINANCES, HEALTH PROBLEMS wages war on my LIFE. It is only a matter of TIME until I buckle, falling into a DEATH crevasse not to return.

Under the barrage of stimuli, I can no longer THINK or ACT because I am UNDER THE INFLUENCE. My mood fluctuating rapidly CRANKY, SAD, STRESSED, CALM, ALERT, HAPPY. My SPIRIT, the cat, takes a nap. Brooklyn to China, I cannot ESCAPE. Only a 911 life line can divert CRISIS.

STEP ZERO

I am driving a car through LIFE. This vehicle created a MASK, both POWERFUL and UNIQUE. It protects my SOUL. My windows filter the BELIEFS through which I see my world…some tinted, some rosey.

As I drive, I follow the ups and downs, twists and turns. To my left, the tree of life: HEALTH, FAMILY, FRIENDS, SPIRITUALITY. It is the color of MONEY, nourished by my CAREER through various JOBS. To my right, boulders fallen: those who lost to ADDICTION. This path I follow guide lines of DENIAL, MANIPULATION, PRIDE that keep me in route to USE, DISILLUSIONS, IGNORANCE.

In the distance a mountain range looms under dusk. My ADDICTION is massive and treacherous. Peaks of PAIN, SUFFERING, DEPRESSION, pitted with INSANITY, ANXIETY, INSOMNIA, are just the tips of my DISEASE. Up there, I am ALONE and HELPLESS. I consider SUICIDE to escape the DEPENDENCE on such a desolate environment.

As the brake lights flash and I round yet another bender, I see the sign: DEATH. Beware of the grim reaper’s future. Light beams of RECOVERY and SOBRIETY illuminate this landscape. As night falls and I can barely see, AA and IOP lead my EDUCATION. I don’t have to follow this path; I now choose ABSTINENCE to make my new STYLE.

Favorites

1. color to wear: green
2. pet: cat
3. flower: tiger lily
4. number: 69
5. smell: Chanel Allure Homme Sport
6. taste: mint
7. hobby: art
8. city: NYC
9. food: cheese
10. drink: used to be vodka martini, now espresso
11. book: The Lord of the Rings
12. author: Ayn Rand
13. magazine: WAD
14. music: dance/electronic
15. artist: M.I.A.
16. clothing: hoodies
17. time of day: midnight
18. saying: "Style is how you live your whole life."

Cosmic Changes

It is truly amazing where life can take you--where you take your life, rather. My world has been turned upside down and inside out, but with all of this change I am learning more about myself and how I fit into this existence. I am returning to blogging as a way to enact my intentions and a return to journaling. Somehow, if I put it out here it is more real than sitting in a book on my shelf. It also helps me include artwork and be otherwise creative.

To best set the tone for future entries, I should highlight some of what has brought me here. I suffered greatly during the economic fall out, and still haven't recovered. I took a job in China about 20 months ago, but was deported. With pennies to my name I had to move back in with my parents. Fortunately, I was still able to collect unemployment, but I used that money to party through last summer when all those resources were tapped. I've been through a hodgepodge of jobs since this past fall, but the party continued along with the deterioration of my mental, physical, and spiritual health. On May 5th I dialed 911 while severely intoxicated and contemplating suicide to end all of the madness. After a short stint in the ER (that's another story), I was involuntarily committed to a detox and psych ward for 7 days. Though, I would have gone anyway...that's why I dialed the life line and asked for help! My aftercare includes an IOP for drug/alcohol counseling, AA/NA meetings, a psychiatrist, two counselors, and so forth. I am happy to say that I have been clean and sober for 52 days. Stopping drinking and not picking up has been the surprisingly easy part; the personal growth and facing life has been the hard part. This blog will be a lot of exploration and contemplation of my self filled with musing, discoveries, artwork, and everything else fabulous along the way.

And, as my dad once told me, "You have a choice in the type of man you want to be."

A Conundrum

The problem is I always think and act as though I'm like everyone else (talk about believing in what you feel)...when in fact the problem is not everyone thinks like me, so they're not the same as me...nobody thinks I could be like them...so can you treat them like you want to be treated...does the golden rule work if they define it differently? Can you really treat all people equally? Sometime you have to tell people what they want to hear versus what they need to hear...and what's really fair about either side of that? Where's the integrity in that flip flop scenario? And who has any jurisdiction to decide what someone else needs or wants to hear? And for that matter, who is an individual to know what they want or need to hear until it has already been said? Otherwise, wouldn't we just be a society of individuals disconnected from each other? Or, aren't we already selfish enough? Then again, I fall back on balance. Find the balance and you land safely in any decision with those around you...those nouns, verbs, and adjectives that define your life. Hence the question: What is the meaning of life? Who am I? What do I want? What do I need? What do I want to need? What is the real question here?

8" - WHITE

The easy road is not the high road

I think that creationism is the easy way out. It is a way to describe the phenomenon of life itself, without examining life itself. It is easy to say that there are a set of rules that were prescribed long ago. It is a dedication of tradition to follow these beliefs. Moreso, it is hard to question that everything you thought you knew may not be true. So take the hard road--the road less traveled if you will. The gift bestowed upon mankind is reason; use it. Does it make sense to accept doctrines carte blanche? I cannot believe so, especially when such doctrines have provided the most strife between us. It doesn't make sense that land should be ravaged and people devastated over whether or not Jesus' life dictates which doctrines we follow. But say if it did, what did he say, not in the context of his life, but now. A fine line, fissure even, spreads across humanity in the wake of this approach. Understanding and compassionate thinking remain key. Bring peace into your life. It is better for all of humankind.

Supersize Me

SO much emotion and no outlets...don't know how to feel...don't know what to think...don't know what to do...I'm lost it seems, without a map and certainly no service station. I'm mad at myself. A very raw anger. At first I want to kill myself, but then it seems a long and slow torture is more apt. Not really...I'm happy to be alive, so then why so hurt? I can't pin-point it. I'm disappointed, angry, sad, vengeful, and it goes on and on...just like the beat...on and on....so, I know that's what I must do, obviously. I had a dream to this effect: it was MC ESCHER's stairs, but escalators instead...on a trip to no where. It did not matter how I went, I was always going up to down, but never with a long term goal. It doesn't seem all that prophetic until the key detail: it was all in the basement of the student center of my Uni. Ever since school I've had lots of ups and downs, but haven't really gotten anywhere. I'm sure that's up for debate, but I do feel like I'm back at square one. Force of habit has me job hunting and going down all of the same routes, but I'm not convinced that's best for me. Bottom line, though, is that I'm good at what I do already, and there are bills to be paid...so, either that or...would you like fries with that? In the mean time, check out my beloved Sherry Vine: SUPERSIZER: Britney Spears Womanizer Parody

Warren's Gay War

So we all know that Rick Warren has been asked to give prayer at Obama's inauguration...and that Warren does not have a stellar track record with the LGBT community (in fact an overwhelming negative record...he doesn't like 'em)...and that the LGBT community at large is outraged with this invitation after Obama campaigned for presidency with promises of equal rights and ultimately that gender and sexual identity are matters of human rights, not religious speculation nor capitol directives nor any other faction of popular opinion. In defense, Obama says the invitation is an olive branch to never refuse discourse on questionable topics, but even more so saying that they don't have to agree on every detail to work together or even participate in a national event based on a percentile'd match on platform. I have the utmost respect for Obama on this view. He has the opinion of equality for the LGBT community, but much of America does not agree and he would still invite a conservative minister to bless his inauguration. It's smart because he's obviously appealing to heartland America and the ideals of this country, even if he doesn't fully agree...that's big for a man to say we don't even "mostly" agree, but we can shake hands and give best wishes and so forth. I think the real problem is the LGBT community blindly took Obama's beliefs as something that would over rule every other facet of his presidency...that gay marriage was more important than the economy...that a lesbian kiss on prime time should prioritize higher than the failing automotive industry....that a hate crime in the south should be headlined over the failing health insurance policies....I think it is ultimately too easy to hold your values over those of your neighbors or the greater good of those around us. Do I think gay marriage is important? Do I feel that the love I feel for a boyfriend is as valid as my brother's to his wife? Do I think the LGBT community is misunderstood and miscalculated at large? Does my daily confrontation with the real world conflict constantly as a gay man? YES! My caveat is that just as being gay is only part of my life, it is also only part of the rest of the worlds' life. Even if Obama was a gay man himself, he could not and, respectably, would not, only converse with people in favor of the LGBT community (hello, ethnic cleansing, slavery, my in-laws!). The same arguments used in support of LGBT's can be used against them on many levels. He said he supports you, and has showed this many times, not every time, but many. Be thankful.

Cell-Mate

All of the best made plans completely unfurled. A massive disconnect in language and culture in the midst of possibly the worst news possible on the other side of the planet away from all of my friends and family a head above the rest. Primal. Survival. All under a shroud of secrecy and vagueness. Is this really me? Can I handle the truth? Confirmation. Twice. Thrice. The shred of possibility the size of a grain of sand is now luminous and volatile and I will have to climb this Mt. Everest and live to tell about it. I hope to capture some amazing photographs along the way. It's not cold though. I hope I don't catch a cold. What happens when I catch a cold? It could turn into pneumonia. I could die. I am going to die. I am going to die, eventually. The blatant humility and humanity in the finality of the miracle of life is death's blessing. Here is a list of thousands of other deaths...seeeee? Smoking kills, but that's okay, right? Plus, some people make money off of it. I also don't drive with a seat-belt, drink too much, eat too much, work too much, think too much. Is this really me? Seriously? Seriously. It is serious. I am a Sirius person. A month later and I can write now. I first learned to speak. Before that I got on a merry-go-round like all of the kiddies: I'm lost, confused, sad, defiant, wishful, angry, nauseous, myself again, sarcastic, drunk, healthy, scared, upset, confident, honest, realistic, surprised, horny, positive+