CONCEPT

PEACE

2011-12-02T22:09:00.001-05:00

world peace

I am at peace.

Centered and grounded like a tree.

In Honor

2011-10-25T23:02:00.001-04:00

This morning we lost a friend in recovery. I carry forward the lessons learned--his experience, strength, and hope. The humble, honest light of his spirit shines outward and inward.

PRICE LE$$

2011-10-21T10:25:00.001-04:00

From a co-worker to a manager 3 levels up.

Close-Knit Friends

2011-10-10T18:06:00.003-04:00

Some friendships take the work of a creative hand stitching the bonds together. I find myself closer to him everyday, but it's complicated. But what's not complicated in life. So, I look at the big picture: my life is brighter with him in it and it keeps me flexible. And warm this winter.

STEPS FIVE, SIX, & SEVEN

2011-10-10T12:32:00.003-04:00

My spirit leads me on this journey inward to a new landscape. Through my transformation I explore these ringed layers of life, glimpsing into the core of my higher power as though it were the trunk of a tree: utopia. There, the TIMELESS NOW beams light of SERENITY and BALANCE to the far corners of my being. My heart beats ripples of SELF REFLECTION.

My spiritual growth continues its evolution by way of HONESTY and ACCEPTANCE. Working these steps daily, a renewed sense of wellbeing fills me with joy and peace previously unknown. I now see the magnitude of the PERSPECTIVE I am gaining—the possible worlds within reach, the opportunities for growth, the availability of love and boundless hope.

By aligning with my higher power I tune into the true nature of my being. The clarity and strength of my character improves as though a fog of FEARS and DOUBTS lift away into evaporated history. I am learning to be CONTENT with the SIMPLICITY of this view for it holds the keys of UNDERSTANDING the way.

STEP FOUR

2011-10-10T12:17:00.002-04:00

I now enquire into the TRUE NATURE of my being. This inventory is a fact-finding mission both honest and extensive. I do not use my temporal eyes for they see but the fleeting moments passing in the physical world. My five senses act as make-up that create a mask that surfacely enhances my being. This disguise is not exact, so I use my THIRD EYE to transcend.

My mind’s-eye is in a cavern deep within my being capable of examining my life wholly. It is a BALANCED view, seeing all aspects from favorable to less-desirable. My INTENTIONS lead me to focus on developing SPRITUALLY by transforming the unhealthy behavior PATTERNS into positive attributes of the character of my being. Naturally, I am a HUMAN being, NOT PERFECT being and will always have a shadow that eludes the radiant light. As long as I am mindful the shadow cannot control me.

As my CONSCIOUSNESS becomes AWARE of this profound knowledge, I feel my skin as though it were the branches from the TREE OF LIFE extending out from the very depths of my being, muscles flexing as leaves rustle in the wind. As my RECOVERY progresses I feel closer to my HIGHER POWER evermore.

STEP THREE

2011-10-10T12:13:00.004-04:00

My body is my frame, the vehicle for my LIFE. It is strong and masculine. I am a man.

Up ahead are my future windows of OPPORTUNITY. I am no longer tied to specific outcomes and remain flexible with the options present IN THE NOW. The future uncertain, I choose to be open-minded and accepting. Looking ahead, my rear-view reminds me of my ADDICTION. The past reminder of my journey is in my present view. The TREE OF LIFE in fresh, rainbow is the complimentary touchstone to my serenity, my HIGHER POWER.

My journey down the road of RECOVERY, on to STEP THREE, I surrender my being to the universe. I have some tools to gauge my recovery on the dashboard: SERENITY is my fuel. If I am full of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness I can travel far in my recovery. I can also check my STEPS-PER-YEAR to see how fast I’m going. And, of course, my MEETINGS-PER-WEEK gauges how I’m moving through the steps each year. My tracking is complete with my SOBER DAYS.

My recovery dashboard also provides several indicator lights, warning of a RELAPSE. The TRIGGERS are also the things that I can surrender and turn back over to the UNIVERSE. Those things beyond my control and out-of-bounds for the ego light up, then I know to let it go. At any time, I can stop for a trigger and my being stops recovery.

STEP TWO

2011-10-10T12:05:00.003-04:00

From the ROOTS of my heritage a solid foundation of my being took hold, sprawling far and wide in support. After a geographical move, I sprung forth, breaking out of the ground. Each passing year, a new trunk ring, unfurling leaves of SUCCESS. Growth and maturation create branches reaching further. The tree of my being grows evermore deep down into the COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS and upward to a HIGHER STATE OF BEING – INFINITY.

Burning bright, graduating with honors twice, my education provides the energy required for the EVOLUTION OF MY BEING. As all things do, seasons of CHANGE brought twilight. The darkness of my addiction casts long shadows on my being; the sun sets. However, there is beauty in the fall for an end is also a new beginning – INFINITY.

And as my tree of life grows, so does that of the UNIVERSE. All of the subatomic particles have amassed in an array beyond compare. Attuning my being to the UNIVERSAL TREE OF LIFE, my physical, mental, and spiritual health take their rightful, honest location. Living in the NOW, wholly acknowledging how the piece of my being fits into the proverbial puzzle, is the very essence of SERENITY and PEACE. Accepting this SPIRITUAL TRUTH, I do recover.

A New Start. Again.

2011-10-10T09:07:00.003-04:00

Here we go again with maybe writing this thing.

There is too much to catch up on. So much has happened. What I have is now: today. But don't worry, I'm still a crazy dreamer.

The concept has changed, but not the look or the layout. This page was always meant to be a look into my worldview so you my reader can see what I see. Here, let me show you. Let's just say that things got really BAD, but they are getting better. See my step work.

Stay tuned.

ARMS

2010-12-23T23:55:00.001-05:00

Always quick to find a reason not to love...I lay down my arms and surrender...in your arms...

In your arms
a strong embrace
the comfort of home
quiet I rest

For this I long
to lay in peace
in the warmth of breath
from your heart

Whispers of our souls
sparks that ignite
I lose myself
becoming something new

Deeply raw
naturally divine
I belong
in your arms

STEP ONE

2010-07-18T22:29:00.003-04:00

Here is the dilemma. I am shackled to my vice: VODKA. I am POWERLESS, a slave. On top of the mountainous ADDICTION of top shelf bottles are diamonds. USE is POWERFUL, GLAMOROUS, PRESTIGIOUS, SEXY at the surface level. I covet my DRUG of choice and spend top dollar to get HIGH.

Invoking Atlas, I stand at the edge of the world all alone with the burden of my UNMANGEABLE life. This raging maelstrom of EMPLOYMENT, FINANCES, HEALTH PROBLEMS wages war on my LIFE. It is only a matter of TIME until I buckle, falling into a DEATH crevasse not to return.

Under the barrage of stimuli, I can no longer THINK or ACT because I am UNDER THE INFLUENCE. My mood fluctuating rapidly CRANKY, SAD, STRESSED, CALM, ALERT, HAPPY. My SPIRIT, the cat, takes a nap. Brooklyn to China, I cannot ESCAPE. Only a 911 life line can divert CRISIS.

STEP ZERO

2010-07-18T22:25:00.002-04:00

I am driving a car through LIFE. This vehicle created a MASK, both POWERFUL and UNIQUE. It protects my SOUL. My windows filter the BELIEFS through which I see my world…some tinted, some rosey.

As I drive, I follow the ups and downs, twists and turns. To my left, the tree of life: HEALTH, FAMILY, FRIENDS, SPIRITUALITY. It is the color of MONEY, nourished by my CAREER through various JOBS. To my right, boulders fallen: those who lost to ADDICTION. This path I follow guide lines of DENIAL, MANIPULATION, PRIDE that keep me in route to USE, DISILLUSIONS, IGNORANCE.

In the distance a mountain range looms under dusk. My ADDICTION is massive and treacherous. Peaks of PAIN, SUFFERING, DEPRESSION, pitted with INSANITY, ANXIETY, INSOMNIA, are just the tips of my DISEASE. Up there, I am ALONE and HELPLESS. I consider SUICIDE to escape the DEPENDENCE on such a desolate environment.

As the brake lights flash and I round yet another bender, I see the sign: DEATH. Beware of the grim reaper’s future. Light beams of RECOVERY and SOBRIETY illuminate this landscape. As night falls and I can barely see, AA and IOP lead my EDUCATION. I don’t have to follow this path; I now choose ABSTINENCE to make my new STYLE.

Favorites

2010-06-27T22:29:00.003-04:00

1. color to wear: green
2. pet: cat
3. flower: tiger lily
4. number: 69
5. smell: Chanel Allure Homme Sport
6. taste: mint
7. hobby: art
8. city: NYC
9. food: cheese
10. drink: used to be vodka martini, now espresso
11. book: The Lord of the Rings
12. author: Ayn Rand
13. magazine: WAD
14. music: dance/electronic
15. artist: M.I.A.
16. clothing: hoodies
17. time of day: midnight
18. saying: "Style is how you live your whole life."

Cosmic Changes

2010-06-27T22:11:00.003-04:00

It is truly amazing where life can take you--where you take your life, rather. My world has been turned upside down and inside out, but with all of this change I am learning more about myself and how I fit into this existence. I am returning to blogging as a way to enact my intentions and a return to journaling. Somehow, if I put it out here it is more real than sitting in a book on my shelf. It also helps me include artwork and be otherwise creative.

To best set the tone for future entries, I should highlight some of what has brought me here. I suffered greatly during the economic fall out, and still haven't recovered. I took a job in China about 20 months ago, but was deported. With pennies to my name I had to move back in with my parents. Fortunately, I was still able to collect unemployment, but I used that money to party through last summer when all those resources were tapped. I've been through a hodgepodge of jobs since this past fall, but the party continued along with the deterioration of my mental, physical, and spiritual health. On May 5th I dialed 911 while severely intoxicated and contemplating suicide to end all of the madness. After a short stint in the ER (that's another story), I was involuntarily committed to a detox and psych ward for 7 days. Though, I would have gone anyway...that's why I dialed the life line and asked for help! My aftercare includes an IOP for drug/alcohol counseling, AA/NA meetings, a psychiatrist, two counselors, and so forth. I am happy to say that I have been clean and sober for 52 days. Stopping drinking and not picking up has been the surprisingly easy part; the personal growth and facing life has been the hard part. This blog will be a lot of exploration and contemplation of my self filled with musing, discoveries, artwork, and everything else fabulous along the way.

And, as my dad once told me, "You have a choice in the type of man you want to be."

A Conundrum

2009-09-09T11:19:00.003-04:00

The problem is I always think and act as though I'm like everyone else (talk about believing in what you feel)...when in fact the problem is not everyone thinks like me, so they're not the same as me...nobody thinks I could be like them...so can you treat them like you want to be treated...does the golden rule work if they define it differently? Can you really treat all people equally? Sometime you have to tell people what they want to hear versus what they need to hear...and what's really fair about either side of that? Where's the integrity in that flip flop scenario? And who has any jurisdiction to decide what someone else needs or wants to hear? And for that matter, who is an individual to know what they want or need to hear until it has already been said? Otherwise, wouldn't we just be a society of individuals disconnected from each other? Or, aren't we already selfish enough? Then again, I fall back on balance. Find the balance and you land safely in any decision with those around you...those nouns, verbs, and adjectives that define your life. Hence the question: What is the meaning of life? Who am I? What do I want? What do I need? What do I want to need? What is the real question here?

8" - WHITE

2009-03-06T14:01:00.003-05:00

The easy road is not the high road

2009-02-10T21:57:00.002-05:00

I think that creationism is the easy way out. It is a way to describe the phenomenon of life itself, without examining life itself. It is easy to say that there are a set of rules that were prescribed long ago. It is a dedication of tradition to follow these beliefs. Moreso, it is hard to question that everything you thought you knew may not be true. So take the hard road--the road less traveled if you will. The gift bestowed upon mankind is reason; use it. Does it make sense to accept doctrines carte blanche? I cannot believe so, especially when such doctrines have provided the most strife between us. It doesn't make sense that land should be ravaged and people devastated over whether or not Jesus' life dictates which doctrines we follow. But say if it did, what did he say, not in the context of his life, but now. A fine line, fissure even, spreads across humanity in the wake of this approach. Understanding and compassionate thinking remain key. Bring peace into your life. It is better for all of humankind.

Supersize Me

2009-01-09T00:46:00.003-05:00

SO much emotion and no outlets...don't know how to feel...don't know what to think...don't know what to do...I'm lost it seems, without a map and certainly no service station. I'm mad at myself. A very raw anger. At first I want to kill myself, but then it seems a long and slow torture is more apt. Not really...I'm happy to be alive, so then why so hurt? I can't pin-point it. I'm disappointed, angry, sad, vengeful, and it goes on and on...just like the beat...on and on....so, I know that's what I must do, obviously. I had a dream to this effect: it was MC ESCHER's stairs, but escalators instead...on a trip to no where. It did not matter how I went, I was always going up to down, but never with a long term goal. It doesn't seem all that prophetic until the key detail: it was all in the basement of the student center of my Uni. Ever since school I've had lots of ups and downs, but haven't really gotten anywhere. I'm sure that's up for debate, but I do feel like I'm back at square one. Force of habit has me job hunting and going down all of the same routes, but I'm not convinced that's best for me. Bottom line, though, is that I'm good at what I do already, and there are bills to be paid...so, either that or...would you like fries with that? In the mean time, check out my beloved Sherry Vine: SUPERSIZER: Britney Spears Womanizer Parody

Warren's Gay War

2008-12-23T23:48:00.002-05:00

So we all know that Rick Warren has been asked to give prayer at Obama's inauguration...and that Warren does not have a stellar track record with the LGBT community (in fact an overwhelming negative record...he doesn't like 'em)...and that the LGBT community at large is outraged with this invitation after Obama campaigned for presidency with promises of equal rights and ultimately that gender and sexual identity are matters of human rights, not religious speculation nor capitol directives nor any other faction of popular opinion. In defense, Obama says the invitation is an olive branch to never refuse discourse on questionable topics, but even more so saying that they don't have to agree on every detail to work together or even participate in a national event based on a percentile'd match on platform. I have the utmost respect for Obama on this view. He has the opinion of equality for the LGBT community, but much of America does not agree and he would still invite a conservative minister to bless his inauguration. It's smart because he's obviously appealing to heartland America and the ideals of this country, even if he doesn't fully agree...that's big for a man to say we don't even "mostly" agree, but we can shake hands and give best wishes and so forth. I think the real problem is the LGBT community blindly took Obama's beliefs as something that would over rule every other facet of his presidency...that gay marriage was more important than the economy...that a lesbian kiss on prime time should prioritize higher than the failing automotive industry....that a hate crime in the south should be headlined over the failing health insurance policies....I think it is ultimately too easy to hold your values over those of your neighbors or the greater good of those around us. Do I think gay marriage is important? Do I feel that the love I feel for a boyfriend is as valid as my brother's to his wife? Do I think the LGBT community is misunderstood and miscalculated at large? Does my daily confrontation with the real world conflict constantly as a gay man? YES! My caveat is that just as being gay is only part of my life, it is also only part of the rest of the worlds' life. Even if Obama was a gay man himself, he could not and, respectably, would not, only converse with people in favor of the LGBT community (hello, ethnic cleansing, slavery, my in-laws!). The same arguments used in support of LGBT's can be used against them on many levels. He said he supports you, and has showed this many times, not every time, but many. Be thankful.

Cell-Mate

2008-12-19T21:10:00.004-05:00

All of the best made plans completely unfurled. A massive disconnect in language and culture in the midst of possibly the worst news possible on the other side of the planet away from all of my friends and family a head above the rest. Primal. Survival. All under a shroud of secrecy and vagueness. Is this really me? Can I handle the truth? Confirmation. Twice. Thrice. The shred of possibility the size of a grain of sand is now luminous and volatile and I will have to climb this Mt. Everest and live to tell about it. I hope to capture some amazing photographs along the way. It's not cold though. I hope I don't catch a cold. What happens when I catch a cold? It could turn into pneumonia. I could die. I am going to die. I am going to die, eventually. The blatant humility and humanity in the finality of the miracle of life is death's blessing. Here is a list of thousands of other deaths...seeeee? Smoking kills, but that's okay, right? Plus, some people make money off of it. I also don't drive with a seat-belt, drink too much, eat too much, work too much, think too much. Is this really me? Seriously? Seriously. It is serious. I am a Sirius person. A month later and I can write now. I first learned to speak. Before that I got on a merry-go-round like all of the kiddies: I'm lost, confused, sad, defiant, wishful, angry, nauseous, myself again, sarcastic, drunk, healthy, scared, upset, confident, honest, realistic, surprised, horny, positive+

Faggot Fotch

2008-10-08T17:24:00.003-04:00

You may be familiar with the drinking game "Fotch" but at the advent of a threesome some adaptations were made:

2=you [drink]
3=triple kiss
4=whore (you choose who you want to kiss)
5=kiss person on your left
6=dicks (you choose who you want to feel up)
7=hand out 7 "drink" counts
8=kiss person on your right
9=rhyme (e.g. I suck cock, when it's as hard as rock, and never watch the clock....each person adding a phrase)
10=category (e.g. lube brands, sexual positions, etc)
J=rule (e.g. Everytime I drink, you take off an article of clothing)
Q=question (e.q. When was your last hookup?)
K=dare
A=waterfall

My pen's mightier than a sword...ish...

2008-10-03T17:21:00.002-04:00

I know what I like to talk about on here and thought it would be fun to compare that to a word cloud (above). Turns out, my perceptions match to the reality of this blog. If you are unfamiliar with these clouds, the size/scale of the world is relative to the frequency of use.

CLAY = GAY ?!

2008-09-26T10:51:00.004-04:00

PEOPLE: Yes, I'm gay

So he's finally come out. Any self-respecting gay man knew, if not suspicious. I'm very ambivalent towards his situation. I know what it means to be in the closet and cannot really imagine the added stress of public scrutiny at large. I digress my support, though, in how vehemently he denied any/all gay rumors. It's one thing to be in the closet and avoid questioning; it's another thing to flat out deny and act offended that the question exists. I do understand that he was uncomfortable and did not know how to handle the situation. Furthermore, anyone who has ever denied their identity has most certainly lied. I feel that because his story is very much the macrocosm of coming out, it is easy to dissect his interviews. I also feel that it is important to look where he is know in his life and his approach for the future. He certainly came out for the right reason: his newborn son. While we can bicker about couldas and shouldas, we can't change the past. We may not agree with his history, but we can agree that he has a much better, definitely healthier approach to his life. Ultimately, I am happy for him and I am glad that he has accepted, publicly, his life in the hopes of a better life for his spawn. His career and his personal life to date, although impacted by being in the closet, is/was not enough to come out. It is clear that this isn't a move to sell more records. It is a personal choice that *NO ONE* can fully understand, so we much attempt to understand it the best we can. The best I can understand is having a child puts life in a new perspective.

!=

2008-08-07T17:10:00.004-04:00

It is quite apparent that gays and lesbians are not considered equal, often with the defiant caveat that "we were all created equal," but somehow homosexuality has polluted the waters of equality. I hear bitchn' all the time caught in a rip tide of helplessness and exasperation. With the impending presidential election, candidates are perhaps under the greatest scrutiny ever for leading the face of a democratic free world. Anyone who is up on their history knows that homosexuality has been around forever; anyone who is up on their biology and ecology knows that humans are not the only species that can be homosexual. Aside from all of the tired arguments of genetics (I was fucking born with it.), In true American form, we want to have the instant gratification of rectifying the great injustice of prejudice...but other minorities (women, Jews, blacks, and so forth) are still working through it. It cannot happen over night. Accept that. In the mean time, I think it is really important that as a community (LGBT as a whole, really) we do need to put up a unified front. Remember, "United we stand; divided we fall." ???? Let us learn from our past. As a whole, the human race has so much potential. It actually sickens me that as far as we have come with technology to bring our world together, the disconnect still exists if you put two different people in a room together. I truly believe in the possibility of world peace, but not in a idealistic, pure utopian way. I see the real problem with achieving equal rights for homosexuals (if we can't do all LGBT at once, then baby steps are better than nothing) is that we gays cannot agree on what it means to be gay in our culture. The discord pits gay subcultures against each other: the Stepfords, the club kids, the closeted men, etc. Everyone examining the gay subculture sees something totally different. How many times in coming out has the surprised rung out, "Oh! I didn't think you were because X. Y. & Z." It is great to gain acceptance, and I do not mean to undermine these small steps, but if we can't show that the only difference is an attraction to members of same sex than opposite, how can we ever establish equality? Lead by example. Please show that homosexuality is not just seedy clubs and crystal meth. I do party and I have had my fair share of deviant acts that would cause my parents immediate and irreparable harm mentally and physically, but I also strive to demonstrate to them, and everyone, that liking men is no different than liking cheese.

.sirfukdupalot.

2008-07-31T12:44:00.000-04:00

.sirfukdupalot.
!sirfukdupalot.
:sirfukdupalot.
"sirfukdupalot.

when crazy met bitch 2

2008-07-23T02:55:00.006-04:00

crack my right ankle 3 times before going to bed while falling asleep, and 3 times before I'll get out of bed...i must...

When crazy met bitch...

2008-07-23T02:55:00.004-04:00

Everybody has little oddities: slang, mannerisms, beliefs, and so forth. I don't remember when I started to notice mine, but one that strikes me particularly odd is when I have to make a simple, mundane decision: do I drink water or juice? smoke a cigarette or make another drink? chicken or beef? It doesn't really matter what the answer is, but sometimes I find it hard to just pick one...because it doesn't really matter. I have turned to beauty products (shampoo, lotion, toothpaste, etc) for the answers. I remember starting very young...probably 8 or 9 years-old. So to find the answer, I pick up a bottle/tube and look at the ingredient section. Including the header of "ingredients" I start to count the number of times the letter "e" appears. Before I start counting, though, I decide that an odd quantity is option 1 (chicken) and an even quantity is option 2 (beef).........sometimes this step is more complex, such as "chicken" has an odd number of letters so it would be chosen if "e" shows up an odd number of times and "beef" has an even number of letters so it would be chosen if "e" shows up an even number of times. Thus, I count away, sometimes recounting 3 times to make sure it's right, then I go on with my day. CRAZY!

"How many gays could there be in New York City?!" - Eddie, AbFab

2008-06-10T21:24:00.003-04:00

CHIEF

2008-06-10T01:08:00.004-04:00

One of my favorite fashion pieces to rock is the handkerchief. It started when my hair was longer (naturally curly, sometimes unruly) and served as a quick fix when I didn't have time to properly style. Usually a standard blue/white paisley, but sometimes a green camo, the chief soon became part of the bad ass look I edge. Recently, my friends and I came across an extensive list for the hankie-code that has long served as a gay hook-up tool with different color handkerchiefs in different locations denoting sexual preferences and interests. One friend bought me 3 as a joke shortly after: mustard gold (seeking >8" cock), robin egg blue (69), and pink (dildos). Of course I have incorporated these colorful chiefs with my M.I.A. chief to make my own statement instead of wearing in back jean pockets. The easiest way is my traditionally on-top-of-the-head (as shown below), but also tie around my ankle in skinny jeans and converses or folded as band and tied around my bicep or head (as sweat band). It's a great way for guys to add some color and style in a hard tone with some street sensibility.

1. Lay chief in front of you with diamond orientation.
2. Flip over.
3. Fold bottom corner up good 9"-11" (but not all of way in half).
4. Flip right side back.
5. Align with center of forehead just above eye brows.
6. Pull left and right corners tight and tie behind head.
7. Pull top corner all of the way down over first knot (in step 6).
8. Tie left and right corners again over top corner.

Rainbow Geo

2008-06-02T19:21:00.000-04:00

PRICE LE$$

2008-05-26T09:34:00.001-04:00

How do you know the end?

2008-05-26T02:11:00.003-04:00

How do you know when it's the end? Lights on at the club, casket carried to the grave, termination papers served, I thought endings were easy to identify. Friendship is harder. People grow up; people grow apart. One of my best friends for last 6 years and I are currently not speaking. Without belaboring the details, I'll try to hit key points. We took trip together and visited some of his family. He was humiliated by my actions and barely spoke to me during trip. Instead of trying to deal with it then, I chose to wait til after trip to deal in an attempt to minimize negativity while on trip. I really didn't want a full blowout thousands of miles from home. After home, he said he couldn't talk to me about it and needed more time/space. So going on a month now I have given just that. It feels weird not talking for so long when we would talk everyday if not every other day. But over this time I've also had time to reconsider our friendship. It is weird because I don't really feel all that sad...just upset that we never got to talk about it...never really made an attempt to understand each other's feelings. I've lost touch with friends before, even best ones, but never amidst a fight (well if you can say that a mutual decision to not talk a fight...not much action). With this much time gone past, I'm not sure if I ever will hear anything from him. I guess that's okay. I can't sit and wait. My life has already gone on, but I had hoped his friendship would be still be part of it. I'm happy and thankful for all good and bad times. I know I learned a lot, but also know that nothing lasts forever. So here is goodbye....

The days of my life...

2008-05-23T20:41:00.002-04:00

...in a car running down trolls. I'm fucked up and getting fucked. That's the way my cookie crumbles. Homemade my grandmother's recipe...I may get carpel tunnel...or just tunnel deep and dark. Chunnel my way b/t metropoli, Greek slaves naked and fighting. My place is no ring, but bitch can fuck you up. I'm country...squirrely in fact...fermented pumpkin holed up with MAC in the tree...surprised? You don't even know me...say my name, bitch...say it right? You gotta bring better game if u want the title let alone flash ur nipple at the Super Bowl. You don't see my fire crotch blazing blogs and rags...not like u haven't seen it before. I've heard it all before...the record is broken, screeching ur banshee ass too long into the night. Bob White sells my coke all through the night...whooper-will...yes I will. Conviction without being convicted I walk that line. It's the edge...sharp and dangerous, but subtle in choice I drop my blade in the bush.

boy poet speak

2008-05-14T06:08:00.002-04:00

why are people so down right mean ,
say ing low , disgrace ful words
that tears together in to part s .
does it really take so much ?
will joy ful though t s ever be hear d ?
sorry ugly ... you're time is up ;
turn around to live your last death !

Lingo

2008-05-07T21:04:00.001-04:00

Trini. Tranny. Three is the number believe it or not. Not here; nor there; I'm everywhere that's nowhere. Dive bar rockin' Tammy...where is dear brother boy? His calling left him dragging a legacy. Can you hear the calling? Anamoly? Is it just me? My caller ID reads blank. Silence. The eye of the storm is passing...only half way there...the worst has past. Swelling, flooding Iniki ravages without blinking an eye. Passing in a New York minute will you ever be able to catch up? I'm ahead of the curve. Beep. Beep. Zip. Bang. Shots ring echo with echoes of pain. I hear it. You can't listen while you're talking. You register a bleep on my radar, Britney. They don't get you, so they persecute you. Hate you. But why do they hate you? Because they are jealous! They could have it to if only they would reach out and touch it. Say my name, Bastien. Life is within you and without you. It's your drama; you act in it. You're the super star...rock star...G Star...this light of mine I'm gonna let shine. Twinkle. Diamond. Are you fighting, Gladiator? When in Rome, do the Romans. Just do it, Nike...DO...DO...DO...do re me...feel the music. The beat of your heart. The crash of a wave.

PRICE LE$$

2008-05-07T04:19:00.004-04:00

Spotted in the stall today at Borders:

Life as we know it...

2008-05-03T23:51:00.003-04:00

If anyone actually still reads all this shit (as if...) just dropping a line to say, "Hi! I'm alive, and the world is fucked up!" Right? I have many upon many grievances with the world and how as a human race live our lives. The disparity between who we want to be, the ideals we value, and the pretty face painted outward in day-to-day mundane activities is a far cry from the truth and who *WE* actually are. The life I know now is not the life I want. It's time for change. It's time to stand up and represent. As one hot bitch says, "Quiet down now; I need to make a sound!!!" FUCK ALL.

more gay sheep

2008-04-22T22:37:00.002-04:00

I like it hot.

2008-04-20T07:11:00.003-04:00

Now I don't own a TV, but while visiting friends I do catch some good shows. Often the Food Network is great because the food is always so worked out. A real gem was Down Home with the Neely's when they did their fast foods special. Wings are always great, right? Here is the recipe. And as Gina would say, you can add as much hot and spice as you want because she tasted them before and "They weren't hot enough to slap my mama!"

NYC

2008-04-17T23:42:00.001-04:00

New York New York, big city of dreams and everything in New York ain't always what it seems. Thanks, Epiphany! Peace. Love. Unity. Respect.

There is no one right way for people to live.

2008-04-15T15:07:00.003-04:00

The revolution won't take place all at once.
It will be achieved incrementally, by people working off each other's ideas.
It will be led by no one.
It will not be the initiative of any political, governmental, or religious body.
It has no targeted end point.
It will proceed according to no plan.
It will reward those who further the revolution with the coin of the revolution.

my flock of gay sheep

2008-04-12T19:08:00.002-04:00

4 Minutes

2008-04-11T05:24:00.003-04:00

So you've only got four minutes to save the world. You've seen the video and heard the single. Madonna is on top of her world and has obviously worked to use her fame and money to make a positive difference in the world. I get that a standard music video will run about four minutes, so she has that amount of time to get her message across...we have to change if we are going to survive. My problem is that she doesn't really say anything...she is just dancing saying she only has four minutes? She should have gone at least one step further...

Alone...

2008-04-06T19:45:00.003-04:00

Please don't come near
my heart is breaking
It is a place I need to be
alone...
Do not worry, do not fret
I will come back to you
But for now, this place
is for me alone.

Reflection...

2008-04-06T18:39:00.002-04:00

Reflect upon the choice
-Accept yourself...
As I accept you in life
for I am grateful,
you exist...in here & now,
& forever in my thoughts
forever in my heart.

Lost and Found

2008-04-05T21:24:00.002-04:00

You wake up one day and look in the mirror. You are a visitor in your own face. Perceptions reflect reality and the rays of light radiate. You trip and fall losing all sense of sense blinded by the light. Really, what does make sense? I know I have 5, all of which register the pain and suffering of falling. Scrapes and bruises inside and out. That's what I see in the mirror. It is an all out war. Luckily I've come out fighting. In the darkest, deepest days you can have light if you remember to turn it on. Switch. No one said life was easy. No one said life was fair. In fact, as much as one may not say about life, there is much to be said. Contradiction. Change. Cheese. Now take one step forward, even if it means taking two steps back. Go back to before you thought you knew. What do you really know? Who do you really know?

Salaryman

2008-04-05T13:11:00.005-04:00

It started as a joke about my volatile working conditions and the amount of work I was doing compared to my peers, yet I still managed to get the short straw: "Salaryman does your work while you're at the water cooler." I wear him (me) on a chain around my neck to keep it real. No joke. I will do your work for you, right Titicaca?

Bad Dreams

2008-04-01T19:47:00.004-04:00

I'm in a cab with 4 other people plus the driver...all friends. We are on a long cab ride down an interstate from like Florida to NYC. The cab driver keeps getting pulled over for speeding. Part way through our trip we stop at hotel. We go to a Rite Aide. All I remember about the hotel room was the shower. It was a large white room with a glass door and several overhead spouts. I take a shower after everyone else has gone to bed. In morning I walk down the street into a really complex parking lot following signs for C. After seeing long lines for the one entrance, we found out that we could go to a different area to meet my brother. It seemed to be for some kind of outdoor festival. It was a beachy parking lot and extended as far as I could see. By the time we got to him it was time to go as it was getting dark. There were hordes of people leaving I got in a SUV with 3 other people and I remember we had to leave someone behind. I knew these people, but didn't actually know them. So we are finding way out of the crazy parking lot and a truck is coming at us in a 1 lane road the wrong way. The lady driving SUV I'm in is maybe 50's but grey she freaks out and starts twisting the wheel back and forth rapidly. She won't slow down and the truck isn't either, so just before we crash head-on she swerves right rapidly and goes up over a sort of planter about 2ft high and framed out with wood filled will small shrubs. Obviously SUV makes it over eventually but it is really rough. As soon as we are over it all the wheels fall off, doors fall off and we have to jump out. When I look back the SUV is just a frame and oil/gas spilling out everywhere tires rolled off to side still. So I walk away as they freak out and try to find my parents again so I can leave. Meanwhile I'm freaking cause I lost my camera and can't find it. I walk a long time in parking lot again and finally find my parents. We call hotel and they are checking if I lost my camera there. I get in the back seat and my dad starts to tell me what a huge failure I am. He says he can't depend on me and I've just fucked my life up beyond repair. I am crying and my mum just stays out of it. We have to circle through a lot of parking lot still to get out. We cross the bridge that only 1 of the 4 lanes is completed. Not all of pylons are done either. I think they may be making a 2nd story to the bridge. We drive really fast and there are cones to keep us in our lane. We are headed to open beach. Someone is parked right in our path and when we go to go right to get around there are a bunch of police blocking the way. 2 sports cars race around either side of us in front and slam on brakes. We do too to keep from pushing them into police barricade. Finally we get around and I get my little dog out waiting to walk up onto the beach. I'm told I can't stand there for a minute longer with him or I'll be arrested...and I have to pick him up and carry him. He is a puppy and wiggling a lot so I have a hard time picking him up. I get lots of compliments on the dog. So I walk out to the last dune and stand overlooking the beach. There is a helicopter rescue in place. The man that was drowning is close enough to shore I can't figure out why a life guard didn't just swim out. He is hanging onto the string and being brought up into the helicopter. He's not in a basket or anything. About 50ft up he drops suddenly into the water like the wench gave out because the string went down with him. The helicopter keeps trying to pick him up for like 10 minutes but keeps dropping him. It is like dumping him. Then the helicopter crashes into the water a few hundred feet away from the shore. I can see two people swimming away from it. The first guy is still struggling. It looks like as helicopter sinks it will pull him further out and under water. The helicopter doesn't sink though and the blade is still spinning just under the surface of the water. I wake up.

Piercings

2008-03-29T19:55:00.003-04:00

I have my tongue pierced, my left ear twice, my right ear twice (in an orbital), and both nipples. I am currently contemplating a nose ring, but haven't decided if it will look bad ass a la Lenny Kravitz or goober a la Carson Daly. I did find an amusing article about nipple rings. It raises a flag for me because I had to take out all of my jewelry before surgery last year, and although wasn't painful, was a bit difficult to maneuver. It is easier to have a piercer do it for you...think about it: you don't take jewelry in/out every day like they do. Another flag goes up because I'm traveling overseas soon and know what a pain it would be to have to take them out. I, too, would have to use pliers. I can already hear my mum, "Then you shouldn't get any piercings!" Thanks, mum. I still want that tattoo of a heart on my bicep that says, "I love MOM."

The Dark Age

2008-03-28T14:36:00.004-04:00

I have officially entered a Dark Age. Shit is hitting the fan and I don't have hot water to top it all off. Yay.

eggs, baskets, candy & crosses

2008-03-23T19:36:00.003-04:00

I took my rentals to the Cloisters. It was part Easter and part hang out / have a good time. The whole museum is still in Manhattan part of the Metropolitan Museum of Art located 190+ street at Fort Tryon Park. Specializing in Renaissance art, the Cloisters brings something outer inner. Amidst a major city is this throwback that decidedly makes you question Mary, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. Designer sheets just aren't made the same these days.

Shit Speak

2008-03-21T19:28:00.002-04:00

I got out of work early today. Our summer Fridays in the city have been extended year-round. My rebirth is scheduled for this Sunday while my rental units are up. I have a friend coming over now for movie night and sushi. So with all of this company coming I recognize that it is good I get out a little early Friday to hit the grocery and pick up a little something something. Before leaving the Manhattan I thought I could hit up a Duane Reade for some of said something somethings, but hey it's early on a Friday my Keyfood can't be that crazy today. And I was right, easy breezy through the grocery. I did laundry and dishes and all other preparatory bull shits. And here I have found the trifling perpetrator: toilette paper. Sad, but true, I have been out since Wednesday and using tissues. Through all of this I have yet to purchase a roll and I can't quite figure out WHY the Charmin fairies have failed. So now I quit typing to make my special trip to buy *just* TP...when all along I put off buying it so it wouldn't be so trifling to stand at the counter with *just* TP...

boy poet speak

2008-03-18T19:54:00.001-04:00

you just suck
yes <3 every little part
you stink
so mean
no use
do
it under a bus
or
over the bridge
<3
now

Calling It Quits

2008-03-18T16:59:00.001-04:00

Well it is day 4. I have quit smoking cigarettes. At $7.50+ a pack and
just over half a pack a day my wallet was really starting to show wear
and tear. I quit cold turkey over the weekend and the worst part so
far are the headaches. With work and so many other parts of my life in
disarray I realize it may not be best time to quit, but I figure if
it's gonna suck at least get it all over with at once. My afternoons
are hardest right around this time of day. And, can't really say my
mood is that much worse cause I've been in a piss poor mood for a
while.

Alphabet Drugs - Used and Abused

2008-03-16T01:40:00.005-04:00

Alcohol
Amyl nitrate
Benadryl
Cocaine
Ecstasy
G
H
B
Ketamine
Klonopin
Marijuana
Methamphetamine
Percocet
Shrooms
Tobacco
Vicodin
Xanax

If only cereal was this fun, maybe I'd eat Special K and Coco Puffs...magickally delicious! 2 scoops!

About the old header

2008-03-13T03:42:00.005-04:00

Some of my favorite types of photographs are abstracts of shape/form, color, and brightness. This picture started with me sitting at my desk as the sun was setting. The entry way into my kitchen was to my left. Looking up at the ceiling the dining room wall framed the ceiling in the kitchen. The middle grey is the flat side of entry way that is a good 18" from the ceiling parallel. Some quick touches in Photoshop, and header created.

New Do

2008-03-13T03:14:00.003-04:00

I have been wanting to cut my hair shorter for a while. Until college I always had longer hair (past ears but never to chin), and had shorter hair then on, buzzed. I took off the guard and now I can trim my beard and head on same short setting...about once a week is good. It is crazy how fast my hair does grow. Fortunately, as some dear friends have pointed out, I have a nicely shaped skull and never have to worry about when I go bald because I look good without hair. This picture a friend took right after I got it done. I joke that it is my crazy, bald Britney look because I too am going crazy. Not really, but maybe a little. I have a lot of life stressers right now, but not that broken down yet. I like to change my look up and I was getting tired of the faux hawk. So this is where you comment and tell me how wonderful my nearly bald head looks.

Supporting A Good Cause

2008-03-13T03:08:00.001-04:00

West Side Club

2008-03-07T17:35:00.001-05:00

So at some point best friend I decide to go to the bath house circa
4:30 AM on Sunday morning. It cost $69 to get in.

Gay Defined

2008-03-01T19:38:00.002-05:00

Like most people, I have a box where I keep junk. This junk is rubber bands, glue, extra batteries, tape, random screws and wrenches from furniture assembly, string, and tools. Up until now this box was a bag I kept in the closet, but as a homosexual I decided to upgrade. My junk is now kept in a Tiffany & Co. box. During holiday season one of the vendors I buy trims from sent me a very nice Tiffany's carafe and glass from the Atlas collection. I have been enjoying the crystal, but unable to just toss the box. I now have the gayest junk in all the world.

Keeping It Russian

2008-03-01T18:35:00.004-05:00

At my neighborhood liquor store today, I had the pleasant surprise of a vodka tasting. So now I introduce you to ZYR. It's highly rated by a lot of prestigious magazines and people, and is actually really smooth. Other premiums I like are 3 and Ciroc. Cheers.

EclipsE

2008-02-27T19:58:00.003-05:00

As you may or may not know, I was eclipsed last week! MOOOOOOOOON! Things are pretty hectic in my world...drama, drama, drama...I didn't get my promotion at work so I'm in an all-out body/self crisis...I've immersed myself in my art though. It's a good refuge (above).

Re: The night of trifle....

2008-02-20T03:31:00.003-05:00

Well I have done pretty well at not posting much if any of my late night antics....but this was just too good. Here we are midweek out at a bar after hours where the slim pickings would make a Thanksgiving feast for a pack of hyenas... And talking to an older man not particularly ugly but just not my type he explains how he grew up in NYC but lives Roma....my response in classic form: "I always heard that Italy was a boot full of shit." After seeing copious offense snowballing and me pushing small talk further I get, "I don't want to talk to you any more." And that leaves me where I sit on the bar stool...maybe I am an ass...and no one gets it...Italians really are turds confined to a boot, but I'm from Delaware....what do I know Wayne?

Happy V-Day, Bitches!

2008-02-14T21:20:00.001-05:00

MUSE

2008-02-11T02:07:00.000-05:00

You have probably noticed some sketches/ paintings of angels recently. These are a series given to me as a gift by a close friend. She has rediscovered her art because of my adamant persuasions. Well I can't say I did it single-handedly, but I know my encouragement has been a major factor. How? you ask...because she has outright told me that I am her muse. For whatever reason, who I am and/or my life has struck a chord in her. I know that even without me she would have started pursuing her true love again, but equally, I enjoy creative feedback on my projects from her. People without an eye for art simply like or dislike, but it is difficult to hold an intelligent conversation when your audience does not have any practical knowledge of art or little appreciation for art. Well I am honored and flattered to be the source of inspiration for someone else. I hope you are enjoying her angels as much as I am...excuse me while I go be a source of inspiration and a guiding genius...

untitled

2008-02-11T02:02:00.000-05:00

There is no point in being subtle...
I can not reach you in no other way...
My way to you is
Vibrant + In Color

I know no other way...

Forgive me my flood of emotion
For it is all I give you
It is all of me

GUNG HAY FAT CHOY!!!

2008-02-11T01:59:00.001-05:00

Il est moi.

2008-02-11T01:16:00.000-05:00

A stupid survey, but a way to get a glimpse of my world other than my rambling haha...

1. What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
The actual connection is up for debate still...we're dating...so far so good...

2. What is wrong with you right now?
It's not me; it's the rest of the world.

3. Do you miss your girlfriend/boyfriend?
The closest I have to one, yes...

4. When did you last cry?
xmas

5. Who do you hate?
Truly hate...as in I couldn't talk to, <5 probably...hate as in can be in same room but wouldn't talk to unless I had to (cake or death sitch)...same <5 and maybe 5 more

6. What do you want in your life right now?
what I got...to be happy...

7. What did you last eat?
pizza

8. Who last worried you?
my older brother

9. What do you smell like?
my own personal essence...I should bottle this shit...

10. Drinking?
sweet tea

11. What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
down feather pillows

12. When did you last talk to your closest friend of the opposite sex?
few hours

13. What do you wear to bed?
nothing

14. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
no inherently if that make sense...relationships are work...

15. When did you last talk to your closest friend of the same sex?
few hours ago

16. What is stressing your mind?
life

17. Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
no more/less than the same sex

18. Who did you get this survey off of?
ET fingers

19. What is your name?
JAX

20. How tall are you?
5'10"

21. Who was last mean to you?
Titicaca

22. What is your screen name?
psyther

23. How often do you log onto Myspace?
2-3x/wk

24. When were you last confused?
At the beginning of this question

25. Who can you count on to always be there for you?
my family

26. Whose house did you go to today?
the Puerto Rican's

27. How about the night before that?
same

28. Do you like anyone right now?
Yes

29. Are you bored?
No

30. What is the last movie you watched?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

31. Do you say "dawg"?
yes

32. What are you excited about?
this w/e

33. Why do you like who you like?
If you met him you'd understand

34. Who was last to touch your butt?
myself

35. When you sleep do you dream about heroin addicts?
mostly

36. What’s on your mind right now?
the end of this quiz

38. Name someone whose name starts with the letter "A".
Allah

39. Do you care what others think about you?
yes, caring is one thing, but obsessing is another

40. What jewelry do you have on now?
2 rings, body jewelry

41. When is your birthday?
once a year

42. Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
no

43. Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?
fuck, I hope so

44. What do you look forward to in the next 3 months?
warmer weather

45. Who was the last person to call you?
my black friend

46. Who was the last missed call?
same black friend

47. What's your ring tone?
generic ring on iPhone

48. Do you plan on moving out within the next year?
no

49. What were you doing at 9 PM last night?
sleeping

50. What happened at noon today?
still sleeping

STR8-ACTING

2008-02-11T00:30:00.000-05:00

There is a breed of gay men known as "straight-acting." Many argue, and I tend to agree,that "straight-acting" is just that: acting...pretending someone you're not...keeping all of your gay signifiers in the closet...pretending to be butch or masculine (at least more so than you maybe naturally are). I must admit though that there is something attractive about a straight, gay man. I don't think that it is a desire to have someone who doesn't let their homosexuality dictate every facet of their life. I think there are men out there that act more stereotypically "straight" than "gay." I think that as men are in transitioning to living a gay lifestyle and come out of the closet they are comfortable first with gay men who appear otherwise straight so as not to out themselves as far as quick. I don't think that "straight-acting" gay men are self-labeled. I am pretty sure that gay men have created the "straight-acting" box as a meme to the hetero's "metrosexual" box...a sort of half-way house to label the mannerisms and thoughts of those not apparently swinging in either direction. I only find it interesting because of the number of gay men and straight women that think I'm straight acting...against the equal number of gay men and straight men that think I'm metrosexual...guess it just goes to show you how far a label will wear...Right now I can only surmise that my attraction for "straight-acting" is the sense of illusion and the inherent mystery. I like to go out with a guy and it not be obvious that it's a date *or* that we are close friend from college going for a drink to catch up on life. I have always taken pride in being true to myself, but lately my straight friends have noted that I am more gay around my gay friends and more straight around my straight friends and my family in general. Body crisis. Am I really adjusting my behavior and attitude chameleon-like as a way to fit in better? No one has ever said though that I wasn't being myself. I'm leaning towards a conclusion that I have many, many facets to my life and one person will only ever see part of the real me. Take the cave allegory. I am me, casting shadows to all of you such that you only will ever see a shape of who I am. You may see many parts of once, but until I let you on the other side of the fire with me and breathe the fresh air...I remain the dark side of the moon...

EXT-NAY

2008-02-07T13:30:00.001-05:00

O.P. SHIT

TOUCH

2008-02-07T00:34:00.000-05:00

A brush of fingertips
To ease my heavy heart touch...

A subtle heat
To warm and sooth touch...

Stay, lean on me...

Let me, let my skin
Draw from your energy touch...

Quietly, I relax
Quietly I stay
My heartbeat has calmed.

the gay stigma

2008-01-23T19:29:00.000-05:00

I don't have any direct links, but you know by now that a staph infection typically confined to hospital patients has escaped into the gay community and wrecking all kinds of havoc...especially in Boston and San Francisco. In reading blogs (proclaimed gay, proclaimed straight, or just unproclaimed) the consensus is that the gay men are at greatest risk for catching the bacterial infection that will make you go blind, grow hair on the palms of your hands, and wish you had fucked a vagina instead. On one side I'm hearing a resounding rebuttal that it is the 80's AIDS crisis all over again, blaming gay men for all the world's problems (note: it may have gained a notoriety in the 80's, but it's still a crisis...it never left). Other side simply acknowledges that infection rates and other statistics indicate that (at least part of) the gay community scientifically does have higher infection rates, and debatably high-risk behaviors that would foster a pandemic. Again I find myself in a grey area. Yes, if you look at patients being treated for the satanical staph strain, a lot of them are sexually active gay men. Herein lies my qualms. In college I had an intro sociology course SOCI-201 of some sort that was painfully straight-forward, but the professor always found a way to pinpoint relevant and contemporary applications/examples. I now forget technical name, although I know I aced that exam, but you have to be careful in how you interpret data. Her example involved drug use. Interview a random sample of narcotic junkies and the vast majority will admit to having smoked pot, and often it was the first drug they used to get high. Based on this information the only *logical* explanation is that weed is a gateway drug into predestined drug addictions. One toke on good ol' Puff and within months you'll have lost 50lbs selling your ass for a rock. Allow me to stop right here with the full story. Now go interview a random sample of people who have smoked up in their lives. If yes, then you ask what other drugs they have used. The vast majority will not answer heroine, cocaine, crystal meth, GHB, or probably even K. I suppose having actually references would help this argument now, but think about it. How many people do you know have every smoked weed v. how many have detrimental drug dependencies? So back to our incubating, 21st C. apocalypse. To indicate a baseline statistic on gay men v. everyone else and rates of infection is one thing. Stating or even suggestions that based on sexual orientation alone you are at more or less risk is complete and utter bullshit. As the NRA says, "It's not guns that kill people; People kill people." Sexual behaviors would put you at more/less risk. I guess what really upsets me most is that so many people fail to recognize this logic. Especially in the gay community, I find it disconcerting that one could so easily dismiss a serious health concern (for yourself, your friends, your family, for anyone) because you felt it was a personal attack on your sexual identity. I understand being defensive as a minority, but if you succumb to these lewd, outlandish generalizations and can only rant and rave in reactionary manners, then you are keeping the stereotypes and prejudices alive. Being gay doesn't give you AIDS. Being gay doesn't give you Satan Secret Staph #69. Being gay also doesn't give you an excuse not to educate yourself, recognize the currents events of the world, and act as an intelligent and integral human being. Don't bitch and moan about being a scapegoat. If it bothers you that much, then do something to change it.

Riding the roller coaster...

2008-01-23T03:40:00.000-05:00

So inevitably after seeing things get better something to the contrary happens. It's a huge philosophical thorn. How do you explain the evil in the world? Is it the original sin? Is there no god and we're just living Darwinistic? Is it a balance that tilts between good and bad? All I can say for sure is that there is a lot of unnecessary negativity in the world. So you tripped and face-planted in a mud puddle right before the biggest meeting of your career...is it THAT big of a deal? No, I didn't, but this post is just a quick note to self: think and act on what really matters.

5 ALIVE

2008-01-21T19:36:00.000-05:00

I know I've been down in the dumps, but here, here I've got the cure: a five day weekend. It is simple, take advantage of the national holiday and call out sick for two days. Bingo, Bango take your five days. Between below freezing temperatures, 500.00 worth of new clothes, 2 G's, 1/4 green, 100.00 at the ATM, and a good mix of friends I have survived if not endured. Here I am Miss Broadway giving the last rave-up to get it good and lay my sights on the future. I like it. Uh-huh. I know full well it will blow, and suck, seemingly contradictory, but life none-the-less. I want to make sure posts do not occur just after a bad day as I vent because I have good times too. After a ski binge I did some credit card damage and left town to party, but more than that I was able to spend some good time with some close friends. The actual party was not drugs; it was the people in whom I have trusted my heart. Just a notch posting on my blog that amidst all of it, I'm still here.

going the full circle

2008-01-13T19:26:00.000-05:00

You know there are some people that you just click with: you have great conversations, always something meaningful to say and not fluffed small talk. A business associate is one of those people for me. I guess it's now been a year and a half that I started to change the way I ate and lost a good 30-35 pounds. I wasn't fat by any means, but I had to buy up a size or two in jeans depending on cut and my blood pressure was high. Avoiding taking a daily pill and embracing my dislike of running I knew I had to change my diet at the very least. Well this leads up to a year ago. I had jotted this conversation flow and randomly found it while filing, but it was just too cool how full circle we went. We had a meeting and after the business talk she commented on the weight I had lost and how good I looked. Well, it turned into a hour and a half conversation recapped below. I always find the flow of conversation interesting, how bridges are formed through unique, personal experiences.

The biggest component of my weight loss was portion control. Basically don't eat so much all the time. I still don't consider it binge eating, but I could easily put down 2 double cheeseburgers, a McChicken sandwich, a small fry, and a 4 pc chicken nugget as a meal. Portion control helped, along with eating slower to recognize satiety before overeating. Having recently had a 2nd child and wanting to lose the last 15 pounds she was interested and had never really thought that even if eating healthy if it's too much it could still hinder weight loss. Lifestyles are a big part of how we eat (what, when, where, how). As a busy mom of two along with a full time job it's hard to eat right. And that as a family she's left eating what the kids and husband want to eat. Fortunately homemade chicken noodle soup is a favorite, and healthy. Working 11-12 hour days on both sides plus a commute make it hard to cook, which is generally healthier because of ingredient control. Obviously, what's normal? How do most people eat? The majority of Americans considered to be overweight, so what's going on with our eating. Most of us are doing something wrong...it can't be all genetic or glandular. Passing seemingly normal people on the street of all sizes, they may be crazy. They appear normal, but maybe have an eating disorder. You can never know until you live with them. You can learn a lot about someone by the what/when/where/how people eat. What kind of portion is normal anyway? What lifestyle is normal? Normal for us is city life. She's adjusting to suburbia and a commute post birth of her children. The move was mostly financial and so the kids could have a more normal life. People eat differently in suburbia than they do in the country. Fortunately her neighborhood has a good Chinese restaurant. Her favorite was midtown east near her apartment...plus they would deliver for free....15 minutes wait at most. So how crazy is the city? There are so many great restaurants in the city to eat at or even stop for drinks. Heck, you can buy food on almost any street corner. You can't control portions at restaurant, but you can always get the doggie bag. Some of our favorite restaurants only have moderate portions. Some of the best restaurants skimp a little on portion even though you're paying a lot, but we both acknowledged we never left hungry. We just felt the portions were a little small. But isn't NYC amazing in its diversity? So many normal and abnormal people? A multitude of ethnic food options...not only to go out, but also in the grocery stores if your so inclined to cook. I'm trying to diversify my mum's good home-cooked country recipes with new tastes available in the city. With so many people around, you're unable to avoid interacting in the melting pot. The wait-staff at my neighborhood sushi bar is incredibly polite and hospitable now that they know me. She knows my usual, often even recommending a new sake that they have a case of I might like. I like it dry. How big a portion should you be drinking anyway? First rule to lose weight is to cut out alcohol. Sometimes with all of these people and cultures intertwined it feels like you're in another world. Go to the heart of Chinatown on LES and none of the signs are in English. I've been to Europe, but never so submerged into a city alone that I could get lost or communicate. I always seemed to be in tourist-friendly cities. With work a lot of colleagues have to go to the East for short periods. It seems that total submersion is good in small doses...comforting to know you'll be back in NYC soon where you feel at home. Even with all these differences abroad or in the city, you still build relationships people on many levels. So many New Yorkers are transplants, but we still make friends and find lovers. We still have families and careers. She has a family friend that was not happy with public school system, and decided she would home school her children. The catch is they sold their home and with that money and savings, they bought a mobile home so they could drive around the US. Now, when teaching they can actually go firsthand to somewhere of relevance (the government in D.C. is easiest example). They've also been able to see many different parts of the country and many different ways of life. The children have had no problem adapting to the lifestyle. All of their friends are other home-schoolers they see periodically at conventions or other planned meetings with families on the road. Their social interaction is completely different from ours' in the city. Even still we have to find a balance between people. How you interact is really important. You have to learn where they come from, how they live, and so forth. Especially because you're meeting so many different people you have to reach that balance in understanding and respect to make all levels of interaction a positive experience (walking past someone and not punching them because of what they are wearing or because they have kids all the way to marrying and converting religions and living differently). If there isn't harmony then conflict arises. There is so much strife in the world because people cannot coexist peacefully. To reach this balance with other people, though, you really need to find a balance in yourself. You have to balance the different parts of your life: money, love, family, etc. If you're not balanced how can you expect to find balance with other people? In college my Dad advised that my life would have 4 parts: eating, sleeping, studying, and partying. At any one time I would only have the money and physical resources to do 3 at a time...one thing would always be left out. I would have to choose to party or study, eat or sleep, party or sleep, and all permutations therein. The trick he claims was to find the balance in that 4-part life and wisely choose what could not be done when. Even now in the bustle of NYC it's hard to find a good balance. When I'm feeling most balanced my eating healthy and in good portions at proper times is easiest. When my schedule is interrupted or changes, falling off balance, it's when I'm most likely to overeat or eat junk food. Even when stressed from work or very angry and upset (even at states of euphoria and act invincible so yes I'll have seconds and dessert) I've noticed I eat differently. It's not always bad. Sometimes because it is late I won't eat pasta and have a salad or chicken and vegetables instead. Moderation is really key. Control your portions: the amount of food you eat, the people you interact with, your sleep, your life. It's an old adage that everything is good in moderation. So far it's worked for my weight-loss, maybe that is missing component to her diet. She also thinks that you have to place moderation on your portion of work too. I agree...we work too much and don't take enough vacation.

After discussing the balancing of the parts of your life and how it's all about moderation to have just enough of each that I proclaimed, "Portion control!" We both sighed at sat back in our seats at the same time laughing. She said, "We made it full circle." It certainly not the type of conversation I expected to have at work, especially as she only comes in for meetings with me a few times a month. She doesn't even work for the same company. But after 90 minutes we both felt calm, relaxed, and ready to tackle that 2nd half of our days. I'm still amazed at how we moved through that conversation of that long without it feeling so long. The full circle is yet another reminder of the beautiful complexity of humans and the awesome world in which we live.

HUSH

2008-01-12T05:09:00.001-05:00

Look.
Feel.
The wings softly envelope you,
keeping you safe...

Sigh.
Quietly cry.
It's alright, the wings softly envelope you,
keeping you safe...

Always keeping you safe.
Always keeping you safe.

ALBUM COVER

2008-01-12T04:02:00.001-05:00

Here's what you do:

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random 

The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2.http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 

The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ 

The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover

A Treatise on Dykes and Queens

2008-01-12T00:37:00.001-05:00

Early in my studies of Eastern religion I learned the basic symbolism of the Taoist Yin Yang. In case you don't know, and because it is fundamental to this treatise, I'll explain now.

The Yin Yang represents the cyclical nature of life. It is round and curves. It is composed of two polar opposites...traditionally white and black. There is an obvious movement around the symbol as these opposites interact...male/female, light/dark, healthy/sick, fast/slow, exciting/boring, and so forth. So as in life, there is a constant state of flux in the Yin Yang. Furthermore, when either side is at it's greatest, widest, most pure state the seed of it's opposite surfaces...a spot of white at the heart of black; a spot of black at the heart of white.

It should be relatively obvious where I am going now with my treatise. I propose that some homosexual males and females have become an uber sex. A male becomes so male, interested in males, that he has in effect become feminine--queen. Likewise a female becomes so female, interested in females, that she has in effect become masculine--dyke. Gender roles have not only reversed, but also turned inside out. Sure, homosexuality isn't a necessary factor, but it illustrates this point most clearly. First to mind comes Fabio as heterosexual, but so male he starts to present stereotypical feminine characteristics. I'm sure there are other countless examples, even in your close circle of friends...and to many varying degrees.

Bottom line, sexuality and gender are actually very fluid...perfectly illustrated by the Yin Yang. Masculinity and femininity are constantly shifting around and just when one extreme is reached the opposite surfaces, continuing the cycle. It is also worthy to note that even though these opposites are abound amidst constant change, they are still one. The Yin Yang is still one. It is a whole. You could not have male without female. You could not have gay men without lesbian woman. Dykes and queens are one in the same.

Child of the Night

2008-01-03T07:59:00.000-05:00

Another teen preggers...

2008-01-03T00:33:00.000-05:00

I know it seems an odd choice of rant, but Jamie Lynn is still blowing up headlines with her 'underage' pregnancy. Those of you who are fortunate enough to know me also know my utter disdain for trolls. Yes, children/enfants/babies/kids = trolls. As much as you question my desire not to be caught dead within 10 feet of one of these horrible dark creaturous spawns, I equally question why anyone would want to have them or be near them. No, I was not abused or dropped on my head. I may have willingly thrashed my head against pavement and other hard surfaces, but I only see it as logical considering I was a troll. I obviously wasn't ignorant of my putrifying status and tried desparately to eliminate a troll from our magnificent planet. ANYWAY, so we all know now that younger Spears is preggers. She has been lambasted for having unprotected sex, and doing so outside of wedlock. While I know there are statutory rape laws and so forth, she knew what she was doing. And honestly, if your body is physically capable of reproducing why is it so taboo to perpetuate Satan's legion at her age? Nature obviously doesn't approve. Her family, mostly, seems to be supportive. Numerous people got preggers in my highschool at her age, younger, and a few a year or two older. Bill Albert, spokesman for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy: "It's obviously a very sad development for Jamie, but it's really helped to jump start discussion about these issues. That's critical.[source]" Why is it a sad development? Really, it was either her choice or her short-sightedness. It's not like there isn't money to provide. The family structure is questionable, but people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Who of you come from a perfect family? Think about what's wrong with that logic: how good are you of a parent if it took a young celebrity to get pregnant for you to discuss safe sex and family planninng with your trolls? and in the same logic feel your superior wisdom warrants a condemnation of said celebrity because *that* would never happen to your troll? Smells like bullshit to me. Then again she is named after both her mother and father.

Sunset Angel

2007-12-24T17:57:00.001-05:00

Wings expressive of a man,
I gaze out onto the horizon.
A gift of God, but merely human.

Sil-sitting on reflection,
I watch another sun set my life--
Burns a fearless fire deep within.

My wings rest with a fatigued ease.
Blazed kaleidescopic colors fail to ignite.
The lock's still unopened, latched with no keys.

I look back on where I've been:
Choices, emotion marked by talent and dreams.
Under those rays of sun I can't help grin.

The life I see charted by no map,
Forced into finding a way, forging my path.
Just sitting here life won't fall into my lap.

Cycles and orbs spinning, energies that inter-are.
The sun reflects the myraid of my being.
I feel so close that it's so far.

But in the reflection I start to see.
It's not quite clear from rippling waters,
Changing winds of seasonss on the open sea.

I don't know what's possibly beyond,
But a sun shining bright beams from its core:
I can know our meaningful bonds.

So many questions left unasked, still more unanswered.
Hues shift illumination,
But the other side still remains soul-shadowed.

I'm sitting here on a precipice of dark and light,
Time's judged perceptions in the past from the future.
The sun's scales tilting off balance ushering in the night.

It touches the edge of the planet,
Setting the skies a-fire with a minuet of color,
Reminding us to always remember--never forget.

The sun setting sinks like pain in my heart:
saddened sorrow bleeding through my veins.
It's me, an angel from God, my art.

boy poet speak

2007-12-20T03:02:00.000-05:00

beautiful hope

the sound of the world
words of love
just be happy as one people

numb

2007-12-15T08:42:00.000-05:00

So I've come to the realization that the funk I've been in for past few weeks is a result of being numb. I'm desensitized (possibly over stimulated?) and seem to be lacking ambition and motivation on every level. I simply don't care...but I do care...I just can't seem to do anything about it. I know part of the problem is the onset of winter weather, and I just want to curl up in bed to sleep. Another part is that I'm working 50 hour weeks...60 when you include the commute. I am tired. With my iPhone I've done better with keeping up on here with pictures and all, but I even find myself on the metro too tired to even think. I sit there in a daze. I do not want to fall into a rut of living the same week for weeks on end with no discerning events, thoughts, or feelings. I know myself well enough that I have good days and I have bad days, and that I need to take both in stride. Without any negativity, how do we really know what's positive? I have a lot to look forward to and a lot to be thankful for. I have not forgotten. Even with a new friends at work and a socialife on the side, I still will just sit here. I have just purchased a new wide angle lens and a wireless flash for my dSLR, but aside from test shots I haven't been able to work on any real projects. I even have a shoot I did months ago that I've only managed to edit 1/5 of the photos. Granted, the first set is phenomenal, but further gumption escapes me. I am away right now. Detached. A fallen leaf crusted over with the first ice, seemingly devoid of color and life I knew during the summer. I know that I hold high standards for myself, striving to live by my personal philosophies, continuing on through life. I think I just need a break, though...not from life. That's the whole point really. You can't segregate yourself. I am a global citizen and if I don't live my life, then what am I doing? I know I will trudge on, but walking in 2ft of snow is tiresome. Sure a dog sled or snowmobile would be nice, but then I wouldn't have done it myself. This mindset synchs with my philosophy of being self-sufficient and practicing deep introspection. My creativity continues to falter. Sure I can come up with ideas and discuss concepts with friends, but not in the same driving manner that would literally propel me forward through life. The car has stalled on the side of the road. I can turn the lights on, but the engine doesn't fire. I have to walk now. I don't have AAA. So here I am bleary-eyed and tired...resting on a snow bank in the middle of no where. It's not really no where though; I am somewhere. But where? Resting.

3rd Street

2007-12-08T04:38:00.000-05:00

EmbArgO

2007-12-03T21:47:00.000-05:00

It is six months and counting. Like many greats before (Madonna, Paris, etc) I have taken a vow of chastity for one year. Many people, including potential lovers and my close friends, find this bizarre, irrational and upsetting. The whole point of the embargo is that I think young men, hetero and homo, are preoccupied with sex. Plus, I think gay culture in general is over-sexed. So, I have decided for one year (and see from there) that I wouldn't participate in intercourse. I want to see what kind of relationships form and the kind of people I meet when we're not just romping under the sheets in an Ethiopian boredom dance. Does abstaining from intercourse prevent me from dating? No. From going out with my friends? No. From having fun? No. And the one question I'm always asked, "What if you meet *the* one? Easy...if he really is *the* one than he will wait, and moreover if it really is love, then yes sex is important but there are lots of other ways to have fun...and, it'll make for one hot summer! Oh, the pic is a belt buckle given to me in honor of the embargo...

"gUYlInEr"

2007-12-03T20:39:00.001-05:00

In a recent interview on NPR, Pete Wentz: "I started wearing it because I felt like it tested some boundaries. Smear it. Because if you're a guy, you don't want your makeup to look perfect. My whole point is I think there's something in art where you should be making people feel uncomfortable." Aside from the fact that he should stop taking credit for EMO, rock-and-roll, hipster, et al. guys wearing eyeliner, this quote may be the only reason I have an ounce of respect for the kid. I, too, wear eyeliner. It does push a boundary for many people still...even in NYC. Most guys I have dated are surprised that I'm wearing eyeliner, and even more surprised that they are not totally turned off by it. Point is, if you're true to your style and you are confident in it, other people respect you and find you more attractive.

Wake up!

2007-11-30T03:41:00.000-05:00

iPhone

2007-11-30T03:39:00.001-05:00

AMAZING

PRICE LE$$

2007-09-05T20:53:00.000-04:00

Overheard in line at Duane Reade, "No, not Marlboro reds. They'll kill me." Laughing, "I want the lights."

Raid Update

2007-09-02T19:49:00.000-04:00

32 busted

Hands up!

2007-09-02T15:12:00.000-04:00

Friday night just got way out of control. After partying all day, and night in fact. We were at mr black circa 5:00 AM dancing having a good time without being too trifling when all of the sudden the music stops and the cops start filing in. The first one had a sledge (like he had to break down the door???) and yelling for everyone to put their hands above their heads where he can see them. Drug raid. Immediately the entire staff is rounded up and cuffed. They're taking the cash registers and searching the entire place. Then we noticed that there were 3 or 4 undercover cops that we had seen in plain clothes now moving freely about. So they're busting a drug ring led by the people who work there...OK...not so bad. But when can we leave? 5 at a time we are allowed up stairs on the sidewalk where we are questioned and frisked. I did actually have to laugh because, like most nights out, I didn't have a shirt on. The first question, "Where's your shirt?" You just raided a gay club at 5 AM...boys are dancing without shirts on...what did you expect? He didn't get very far because the guy next to me barely spoke English and was giving them a really hard time, so my cop just sort of patted me on the back with a "Get out of here..." We had to wait across the street as rest of our friends came out. I guess I don't have any legal rights at that point even in a public place??? Also comical was the amount of baggies that instantly appeared on the floor...mission accomplished I guess.

Sushi Dreaming

2007-08-25T11:10:00.000-04:00

So I dreamt last night I was at a Madonna concert and she picked me out of the crowd to come on stage. Her people took me backstage while she continued her performance. They put me in an all black leather outfit and hoist me up in the air, and floated me out on stage where Madonna was in a similar black leather outfit with metal studs, and a whip. She was also tethered up. Madonna began to whip me in rhythm to the song. Part way through she asked me if I wanted it harder and I said yes, so she did. After the song was over we floated around front row finger tips just brushing the crowds. Next song Madonna and I sang together arms around eachothers' shoulders. Weird thing is I don't know the songs she/we sang and have never been to a Madonna concert...some dream.

KALA

2007-08-23T20:36:00.000-04:00

M.I.A. dropped "KALA" on Tuesday. I went to Virgin to buy it and got a free poster and banadana. Now I'll fit it with all the other cool kids! She is my favorite artist, though, for those of you who don't know me. I fell in love with Galang before it realeased in the US when I first heard it in a Bugz in the Attic Essential Mix on Radio 1 about 3 years ago. If you haven't heard her, you should at least check out her videos. She is an amazing artist with a lot to say, saying it in a fresh and original way.

www.miauk.com

www.myspace.com/mia

Summer Rain

2007-08-18T13:11:00.000-04:00

I had the most amazing walk home from the train last night. A strong t-storm cell was blowing through with torrential rain...literally curtains of water. I didn't have my umbrella and I wasn't about to congregate with the local riff-raff at the station, so off I went. It is one of the greatest, most refreshing feelings: cool rain drops falling all over you on a warm summer evening. I was soaking wet, all the way through my underwear, wringing out my water-logged jeans and t-shirt when I got back. The looks from passersby and people holed up under awnings were most amusing...like I was completely crazy. It's just rain, people. And if I'm any judge of character most of them could use a good soaking!

Colored Dots

2007-08-05T19:11:00.000-04:00

When you look at the comic page really close...held all the way up to your nose...it's just a bunch of dots. It doesn't make any sense; it doesn't look like anything. Through heartbreak and sorrow, through joy and laughter life looks like a bunch of brightly colored dots--or not. But step back, and see that all those dots are connected. Life is funny that way. We are all connected and makes sense.

randoM

2007-07-31T20:20:00.000-04:00

The weirdest request I ever got after hooking up was for resume paper. Yes, let's blow eachother, and by the way do you have resume paper? Why in fact I do! I have a standard white with watermark and an antiqued white both in heavier stock...which do you prefer? I'm not sure if I am more weak by the request, or that I obliged with an option of resume papers...he took the white watermark...

Gays are evil...didn't you know?

2007-07-28T09:27:00.000-04:00

PRICE LE$$

2007-07-27T20:31:00.000-04:00

Chatting brings all kinds of entertainment. I have a short list of what works and what doesn't on my profile. This recent exchange gave me a good chuckle...shut him right up...

boy: dAM U SOUND LIEK EERYTHING U STATE WHAT DOESN'T. BUT WHO THE FUCK A i & U DNT FUCKIGN CARE.. SRRY.. FOR BEING PRESUMPTIOUS.

me: damn, insulting me and can't even spell your way through it...no need to be sorry you made yourself quite clear...in fact upholding my assumptions about you...but why the fuck do you care?

boy: NAH I CAN SPELL, JUST ON A PDA & MY FINGERS R TOO BIG & I DIDN'T PROOF IT CAUSE IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.. bUT PLS BRING OR SEND ALL THE UNTRIMMED, UN PLUCKED REAL SMELLY , MASC MEN HERE PAPA.. HAVE FIN UN BENSONHURST.. HMM UR ALL MUSCLE, WHAT MUST i BE LOL..

me: no need for excuses dude, and you must be a size queen cause I never said I was all muscle....if I find some unkept men I'll be sure to pass 'em on...you must like sloppy seconds...

boy poet speak

2007-07-23T20:50:00.000-04:00

paradise

like a summer rain storm
fall ing over my tan skin
so full of life
I thought to myself
what if we love ?
every heart never alone

Hide and seek...

2007-07-21T12:49:00.000-04:00

...come out, come out wherever you are!

I find the whole coming out process very cliched. When did it become this obligatory phase to sit down with friends and family and discuss your sexuality? I guess culturally it's always been the large pink elephant in the room (world really) that no one talks about. It's taken the maturity of ourselves to step up to the plate and talk about it. I've come to realize it's not for the one coming out, but for everyone else's benefit because they don't know or don't understand. So this leads me know into the cliched coming out blog post. I think it's best possible scenario, and I really couldn't be happier with how the past 2 months have turned out.

I came out first to my best friends who were very supportive and loving. They're all gay and I'm sure that played a large role in their acceptance, obviously. Actually some are not out, partially out, and out all the way. This first step was the easy part...but how to tell my family. I really got past the cliched obligatory part of telling my family after the recent passing of the 3 remaining grandparents, and my youngest brothers impending college graduation. I realized that part of my family has passed on and they never knew the whole me, and the rest of us were moving on with our lives. I've never been a big family man even though I come from a large family. After moving to NYC and living on my own I really began to know how important close family ties are. At the same time I also accepted that this full disclosure could alienate me from my entire family and I had to be prepared to deal with that. So, with through some very deep heart-to-heart talks with my best friends, I made a conscious decision to make sure I told them 1) in person and 2) before the rest of my friends. I wanted to be sure they heard it from me and not someone else. Then, I also needed to find an appropriate time. I was okay with whenever, but I only see my family on important occaisions and major holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, surgery, funerals, etc.). I did not want my coming out to be a big deal or take away from the few times we are celebrating or mourning as a family. I do not see my sexuality as a big deal and think it's important to convey that to the people I love.

Mum and Dad

I originally wanted to tell my family all at once, but I knew that was very unlikely without other friends or family also present as both my brothers have serious girlfriends and my parents entertain a lot. I knew getting the rentals at once would be easier. I was going home over Memorial Day weekend for my younger brother's graduation, and would have the rest of the weekend to relax at home with my rentals. I really was nervous to be honest. I was certain that mum would be okay because she is so eternally loving and could never disown any of her sons, and believe me we have been putting this theory to the test! I wasn't sure about dad though. I knew he loved me, but he is established as the strong father figure in our family and I often heard him make snide comments about my gay friends. He really follows the middle america, redneck, traditional mentality, although not really conservative or close-minded. That day I talked to one of my best friends who was also home at the beach on vacation and he reminded me that there is never a good time and there will always be a reason not to do it, so just do it! He asked me how I was going to tell them exactly. I knew I couldn't say, "I like boys." or "I prefer guys." or "I think I'm gay." I knew I had to be direct as to avoid any confusion. So as Sunday progressed mum took her nap, and dad was watching the race. After mum woke up we sat in the kitchen with a glass of wine. 4 o'clock is wine time, so we had some cheese and other nibbly things as we began to think about what we wanted to do for supper. I asked if we could eat at the table, to which she agreed. I know that she likes us to sit down and eat together instead of at the counter or living room. I set the table and dad lit the grill. So do it now, during supper, or after? I had put it off this long, but mum was cooking and dad was still tuned into the race. Okay so I put it off a little bit longer. We had cheese burgers, corn, and macaroni and cheese. Our talk was light over dinner. I started to segway talking about my nana who was just passed away, and my youngest brother's graduation the day before. The subject quickly turned. Mum was still so happy that all her boys made it through college in 4 years, etc. My plan wasn't exactly going as I intended. It was still good conversation though. Dad got up and put the milk away. Side note, I grew up drinking milk with supper...and still do. It is a country thing I guess that all of my friends find amusement in that I will drink milk with anything. Anyway, so I knew I had to do it then or else I would have completed defaulted on my extended stay at home...sort of giving myself a guilt trip and a swift kick in the ass. My voiced faultered a bit, but...

"I need to talk to you guys about something."

Dad came and sat back down, rerouting from his short walk to the recliner.

Mum, sounding slightly worried "What is it?"

Me, "Well I tried to bring it up earlier about nana and us all moving out on our own."

Mum, "You can tell us."

Me, "I just want you to know what is going on in my life. I think it's important."

Mum, starting to get more worried and wide-eyed, "It's okay. You can tell us. What is it?"

Me, "I'm gay."

Mum, "Well we were wondering if you were."

Dad, "We still love you. We don't think anything less of you."

Mum, "We just want you to be happy."

Whew. A sense of relief filled the room, and not just for me. We then sat and talked. Well mum and I talked. Dad really didn't say anything else, which I was expecting. We talked about my exgirlfriend, how I knew, how long I knew, who else knows, and so forth. They told me that they don't understand it and didn't want to offend me by asking questions, which caused me to laugh out loud. I reassured them that it would take a lot to offend me and that I wanted them to be comfortable to ask me questions. If I didn't want to or couldn't answer them that I would be honest about it, but that I wanted them to ask me questions and reassured them that I didn't expect them to understand it. Mum also made a comment about my staunch character that she knew I was going to do what I wanted to do anyway, that I always have. It came across slightly insulting, but I knew what she was trying to say. She knew that if they chose not to accept my sexuality that it wouldn't stop me. So the underlying choice that they accepted it before I told them outright really strengthened our relationship, and I love them more now than ever. She did note though that I said I was gay and not that I thought I was. I am the first in my family to be openly gay, but we are pretty sure that her brother who passed away a few years ago was gay. I talked about it with one of my good friends a while ago, but never with my family. I felt slightly miffed that they never talked to me about my uncle in this way, but I still am not sure how exactly they felt about it. I let that one go. I got a big hug from both and we cleaned up dinner. I told them that I was going to tell my brothers, but that they could tell whomever they wanted if they felt comfortable, but I didnt expect them to tell anyone. I made sure they knew I wasn't ashamed and that they were told so they heard it from me first. The next day dad took me to the train to take back to the city. We never talked about it, and still haven't talked about it. However, he gave me a hug and kiss good bye as usual, but this was the longest hug he ever gave me (not the typical macho guy hug that's 10 seconds max with one or two pats on the back...it was a good minute long). And, he told me how much he loved me. I even sensed him getting choked up a bit, but he swallowed hard and let go with a big smile and told me to have safe trip home.

My brothers

I am the middle child, and only since going to college has my relationship with them gotten better. They are both closer with eachother than I am with either of them. I knew they both had friends who were gay and that they didn't have any categorical objections to it. About six weeks after telling my rentals I was going home again for a big family bonfire. I knew I would be able to talk to my brothers then. I pulled them aside individually over the weekend at different times to talk to them. I told them the same way I told my rentals: I wanted them to hear it from me first and that as we are all moving on with our lives I felt it was important they knew what was going on in my life. Both of their first reactions was telling me how happy they were for me followed by a huge bear hug. I found it odd that they both mentioned a trip back during the Christmas holiday they had taken home to visit my uncles (mum's brothers) and they had talked to them both about my uncle (their brother). He told my brothers that the family wanted me to know that it was okay for me to come to them because they were upset that their brother never could or never did tell them. Another side note is that my nana used to always call me by his name by mistake when I was young. My older brother told me though that he wasn't comfortable approaching me about it and felt weird that my uncles had sort of put a resposibility on him to talk to me about it for the whole family. I'm not sure how I feel about my whole family talking about my sexuality when I'm not around given that no one was surprised, but I really do know that it shows how much they love me and really didn't know how to approach it. And as one of my friends jokes with me, "You smell that? *sniff* *sniff* Smells like faggot!" It is something that I've never hidden and I have never tried to act straight...in fact I've never tried to act anything. I am always just me. Both my brothers asked about my exgirlfriend and told me how happy they were for me that I was comfortable talking to them. I sensed a greater mutual respect between us really. And now I know that my family loves me for me.

Taking all of this into consideration I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting on my past. That's a whole other post though. The good news is that I'm out to my closest friends and to my family, and I have their love and support. Cheers to that sweetie, darling.